Not how things are supposed to be
I realized last night that in order to take care of what I need to take care of about my person, I need to listen to my inner voice, not constructed wisdoms and or imagining following a vision that can be my creative inclination at times but simply listening to that small voice within like Arfie said. I also realized in the same tolken that I may not be covering all bases responsibly in the grand scheme of things. I have to listen to my immediate desires and feelings, in the context of grounded life here snd now. I have to have faith that it is enough. All the while this little voice also tells me what I am feeling and all those ugly and uncomfortable feelings happen and I feel like I can't be the person I thought I was or hope to be.It's as though I hear myself saying about myself that this is not how things or I am supposed to be. It's a weird mix. But keep on keeping on. I'll get to work! Service time!
xx
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covering all bases responsibly?
is it weird that, in the twisted hallways of my broken brain, this statement merged with my departed son's high school fantasy of starting, "the church of baseball?" he wanted to pave the world with baseball fields. in the windmills of my mind, the two of you are now skipping merrily from base to base across the globe.
don't mind me. . . just dementing. . .
a great freedom i find in listening in trust for that quiet voice (god) is that i don;t even need to know where the bases are. just listen and respond to the best of my response-ability. K.I.S.S. K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple, Shithead.
thanks arfe - "shit head'? I thought it was keep it simple stupid!
I have my bad sides for sure. I wish I could escape them - I feel like a grumpy bitter petty twisted dark mofo
sometimes like today. It is exacerbated by me feeling I have to measure up to myself and others.
I am trying to deal with the darkness- taking the stress off of myself saying that I can be however I want to be in
the world - as long as I take care of myself and responsibilities, including caring for my relationships.
That last thought opens my heart for love and compassion. I try to be a force for good. I think I'll just
be a force for peace love and understanding for all my loved ones.
Sending hugs.
You definitely are a force for peace, love, and understanding of others. I wonder if you extend that same peace, love, and understanding to yourself.
"This is not how things or I am supposed to be."
What does "supposed to be" mean to you? Does it reflect your deepest values, or does it echo expectations you've absorbed from others?
I know from my own experience how persistent the internalized voices of others can be. Learning to distinguish between these different voices may help you develop greater trust in yourself. When I start ruminating on the "shoulds" and "supposed-to-be's," I ask myself, "Whose voice is this?" (Hi, Mom!) Maybe you could try that?
I hope you come to discover and trust your own answers -- not the ones handed to you by family, friends, or society, but the ones that reflect who you genuinely are and what matters the most to *you*. It can be harder to do this while battling a mental illness, when the darkness creeps in. It's difficult to fight. But, you can do it. I believe in you. Hugs.
thanks Nikki! Thanks Judy! I hear you! I am finding some answers today! In terms of how I can honestly deal with my feelings (rather than the shoulds)
and how I actually feel, and then give an honest pep talk to myself in order to get through that rough patch and give a solution to a task
or myself in the form of an the answer I am happy with. Everyone can't feel happy all the time and likewise I have a kind of Ogre in me at times
that I am starting to get a distance from in the sense that I see it really the relationship I have with how I am feeling at the moment.
It's not one amorphous blob but it's me - 'talking' to my feelings inside in a way that might not be giving them in the moment
consideration. I am happy with the work I did here at the monastery today. It's wicked hot - but I just took a cool shower
and I am hanging out in a tshirt and boxers in the AC with Blue listening to Opera LOL.
You're right -- no one is happy all of the time. We all have an inner Ogre. : ) I'm glad you're finding some answers that work for you!
It's crazy hot here too, and the air quality is still poor. I'm glad you're able to stay inside with Blue. Which opera are you enjoying?
Thanks Judy!
It was on the radio, I’m not sure which one:-)
No worries. : )
Good advise given sweetie!!
Big squishy hug...xo
a quality of acronyms is that they are transmutable. i first learned the second "s" in an engineering design room. it was, "shithead." to pass it on to my kids, i parsed it to, "sweetie." in my therapy support circles, i used, "silly." the possibilities are endless. the important part is, "keep it simple."
i suspect that what you are calling, "your dark side" is what i call, "the grumpy lumps." the grumpy lumps are treasure troves of humor potential. laughter really is the best medicine.
Thanks Arfie (((()hug))))
Thanks Jan!! xx