Not Good Enough!
I'm really feeling shitty right now.
I work for a company that runs a course called The Living Course (TLC) as I mentioned in a previous journal. The courses last all weekend long, 30 hours of intense personal growth work. There is usually about 6 weeks in between each course. There is a great deal of responsibility on my shoulders on how the course is run. There are many parts of the course that depends on me to work properly.
I have had a hard time not making mistakes since I started working here a year ago. In fact there has only been one course so far where I did not make any mistakes. This weekend seemed to be particularly bad:
I fucked up with the registration, causing others more work than necessary.
Some students had name tags that were not like the others.
Some of the registration forms were not filled out properly because of me, even after being filled in manually.
It is normal for a student to register very late so that all their information has to be hand written, thats fine, but I missed a student that did not register late.
I also fucked up at graduation, putting the wrong instructor name on 4 of the graduation certificates. They had to cross out the name and write in the correct name.
I am sure to hear about this in a week at the meeting we always have after each course. The last time I fucked up the graduation certificates all of the certs had the wrong instructor name, so they didn't give any out and mailed them out instead. At the meeting afterwards my boss told me that at any other company I would have been fired for that. And here I did it again. Fuck me.
I am very scared, and very very ashamed.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I shouldn't have this job, like I can't do it, like I can't handle the responsibility. I feel like it is beyond my capabilities.
I feel that I am not good enough.
Not Good Enough
I am crying as I type this. To make everything worse my car is in the shop. I have two classes tomorrow that I won't be able to make it to. I have an appointment in the morning that I can possibly bike to, but I'm not sure.
I'm scared.
Its 1:30 in the morning, after I finish this I'm going to go see what I can do to get my bike that I haven't ridden in months back into shape so that I can ride it again tomorrow morning. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so overwhelmed. So much I need to take care of and now no ability to do anything.
If I'm lucky I'll be able to use my brother's car. If I'm lucky.
I work for a company that runs a course called The Living Course (TLC) as I mentioned in a previous journal. The courses last all weekend long, 30 hours of intense personal growth work. There is usually about 6 weeks in between each course. There is a great deal of responsibility on my shoulders on how the course is run. There are many parts of the course that depends on me to work properly.
I have had a hard time not making mistakes since I started working here a year ago. In fact there has only been one course so far where I did not make any mistakes. This weekend seemed to be particularly bad:
I fucked up with the registration, causing others more work than necessary.
Some students had name tags that were not like the others.
Some of the registration forms were not filled out properly because of me, even after being filled in manually.
It is normal for a student to register very late so that all their information has to be hand written, thats fine, but I missed a student that did not register late.
I also fucked up at graduation, putting the wrong instructor name on 4 of the graduation certificates. They had to cross out the name and write in the correct name.
I am sure to hear about this in a week at the meeting we always have after each course. The last time I fucked up the graduation certificates all of the certs had the wrong instructor name, so they didn't give any out and mailed them out instead. At the meeting afterwards my boss told me that at any other company I would have been fired for that. And here I did it again. Fuck me.
I am very scared, and very very ashamed.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I shouldn't have this job, like I can't do it, like I can't handle the responsibility. I feel like it is beyond my capabilities.
I feel that I am not good enough.
Not Good Enough
I am crying as I type this. To make everything worse my car is in the shop. I have two classes tomorrow that I won't be able to make it to. I have an appointment in the morning that I can possibly bike to, but I'm not sure.
I'm scared.
Its 1:30 in the morning, after I finish this I'm going to go see what I can do to get my bike that I haven't ridden in months back into shape so that I can ride it again tomorrow morning. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so overwhelmed. So much I need to take care of and now no ability to do anything.
If I'm lucky I'll be able to use my brother's car. If I'm lucky.
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