Not Good At This

Hi Fred:
I told you when I first started this, I am NOT good at journaling.  Never have been. Probably never will be.  I thought if I named the journal ("Fred")  it would be more like talking with a friend.  Hasn't seemed to help much.
This week hasn't felt as bad as other weeks.  I think this is because I just don't allow myself to think about Nick being gone.  I am dodging reality but it is getting me by.   I cannot bear to think about what the reality really means to me.  If I allow myself to do so I do a lot of "ugly crying".  What's worse, is that I can cry for hours and it doesnt bring him back.  
Today I had lunch with Lyn Alderson.  She was our veterinarian for many years until she let me down while C Cat was so sick.  I haven't talked to her since 2006.  She is going through a divorce at this time.  About 12 years ago her 1st husband was killed when a car struck his snowmobile.  Lyn was right there.  She tried giving him CPR but he died upon impact.  When I think of the mental pictures that haunt me about Nick's death I know she has fought horrific mental images.  She tells me it takes years (not months) but the intensity will get less hurtful. 
This evening Molly waited for me to finish dinner and then we walked her little dogs.  It was a really nice walk.  Weather was perfect.  I appreciate her so much for being such a good friend.
Well, it is now officially 7/14/2011.  (12:28 AM).  I am now 63 years old.  Wow, that sounds so ancient.  I didn't feel old until Nick died.  I thought I could live to be 100 and  love it.  Now, I don't even know how to make it from one day to the next.  Some days I would just as soon not have to.  The future just looks empty    & blank.  
It's time for bed now.  So I'll say good night.
Good night, "Fred".
Darlene 7/14/2011