Not Good

Update 

This is an update from my last journal entry. I was finally scheduled for my mri biopsy for the 2/21 it was an uncomfortable experience although everyone was really nice.  They were able to get biopsy's of the both spots and said it would be 2-5 business days.  I work at a library which is my dream job.  I am very thankful to God for the blessing that has been working at the library. That's not the Not Good part. The Not Good part is while I was at work trying to find books for patrons my phone rings.  I thought it was about my son because I had called about an appointment for him earlier in the day.  It was not about him.  It was my doctor (who is very good at her job and very sweet) she called me after hours because she wanted to be able to tell me right away.  I apparently have Lobular breast cancer.  It is the second most diagnosised breast cancer.  She is going to send an urgent referral to onocology they will hopefully contact me soon if they haven't contacted me by Thursday evening then I should call her back. Now I wait.  I am worried that in the first mri there was one biopsy they wanted to look at but by time I got to the appointment there were two they wanted biopsies of. I am trying to keep my faith and not to think about the worse case scenario.  I know God is with me always.  I am trying not to dispair.  Plus I have to keep my tears and worry bottled up for now because we are not going to tell the kids until I know more.  Once we know what stage and prognosis and what the treatment plan is then we will tell them.  I mostly worried about how much this will hurt and worry my kids and my loved ones.  My maternal grandmother died of breast cancer after she battled it twice so I am really worried about how my mom will take it. She took care of her mom during it and has always been very sensitive and upset by the whole topic. I keep praying for a good outcome but I also prayed for nothing to be wrong in the first place and God said no.  I am worried He will say no again for about what happens next.  Please God let my cancer be very treatable that I get quick appointments with knowledgeable doctors. Please grant me a miracle healing Lord you are the ultimate Physican give the doctors the wisdom they need to heal me. 

(I tried to update via my phone but the website really didn't like that so I copied what I said in my notes and decided to write it out later when I had access to my laptop.)

Update 2/25:

I recieved a call from a nurse coordinator this morning and now I have an appointment tomorrow with a surgeon. I was surprised at how quickly they were able to see me. I am grateful but my treacherous little brain whispers it is because my case is so dire.  I am trying to stay calm. Other than the words Lobular breast cancer.  I don't really know anything. My thoughts have been running wild. I keep worrying about what stage I am and having panic-y thoughts about it having spread. My brain will start worrying that since I have had some slight congestion this week that it is in my lungs or because my low back as pain sometimes that it is in my kidney. I hate this. I pray the Lord for your healing and guidance and for a good pronosis.

Update 2/27: 

I had my appointment yesterday and met my health cordinator Camille who seems to know what she is doing and is very nice.  She helped to walk me through my diagnosis and what the next steps were.  She gave me a binder where I can keep all of my stuff and information I receive. Then the doctor came in and explained the diagnosis as well and said that my surgery would be the first step.  He talked about doing a lumpectomy although he wasn't sure that was viable considering where the two tumors were. So I think he was already leading towards mastectomy.  I was pretty sure if we were already thinking a mastectomy then I wanted a double mastectomy. I expressed this and he did say it was my call and I do think that is what I want.  Then he mentioned reconstruction but there to I think that I don't want plastic surgery afterwards. I will just wear a mastectomy bra if I want boobs for the day. But I agreed to met with the consultant anyway just so I know all my options. I have already heard from the plastic surgeon's office and have an appointment for next week.  I am also waiting for an appointment with oncology but the doctor said I might meet with them before or after the surgery.  They will decide if I need chemo, radiation, or hormonal therapy.  It sounds like hormonal therapy is a given because the cancer I have feeds on hormones so the the medicine will block that so they have nothing to feed on. Since I am getting a double mastectomy then I think that rules out radiation.  Chemo is scary and they are only considering it if the cancer has traveled to the lymph nodes. So I am praying that it has not and the cancer is only local but I won't know until after the surgery when they can take out a few lymph nodes and test them. Of course this is all dependent on what tests the oncologist does and what those findings are.  They were real cautious with their words probably because the situation is still very fluid and they don't have all the information yet. They also said that it may take up to two weeks for them to call me about scheduling the operation.  So we have waited to tell the kids until we have a date.  No need to worry them until we have to. I do wonder if the slight congestion and scratchy throat and nasel passages is allergies?  I think I remember this from last year but I am not 100% so my mind continues to torment be about the What ifs?.  

It definately helps me when I journal so I will try to keep updating as I can.