Not Feeling Okay

I don't feel so good. I'm nauseaus and sick to my stomach. I want to get out of the house but it's after one in the morning. I'm shaky and my nerves are on edge. I know this feeling and haven't felt it in a while, but I know it brings nothing good. I'm irritable and snappy and I want to fight.

I watched a show earlier today that I think was a trigger for me. It was on human trafficking. I didn't realize it was so rampid and Ontario was a hub. They went into detail. It was horrible. Young girls being treated like cattle. It wasn't just a documentary to me. When they described the men and how they lured some of these girls in it made me remember things about my past that I always knew were there but had always brushed off.

My mother's reaction when she found out about what her ex was doing I don't think I could ever forgive her for. I was 12 and she called me a whore. I didn't dress like a whore or behave like a whore. I was a tomboy and dressed as such. I didn't know anything about sex at that age. He crawled into bed with me. She knew about it. She knew he used to watch me in the shower. Instead of doing anything about it she drank more and worked more hours. She didn't protect me. After that, I felt dirty and ashamed. That's when I began to feel depressed. She didn't seek out help for me. She watched me drown. I wasn't interested in school or hanging out with my friends anymore. I started getting panic attacks when I would leave the house. Time stands still for you and the world keeps moving without you. Time is merciless.

We're Mennonite. We don't get depressed. There's no sickdays until the day you're on your deathbed. You do not stop going. Put your shoulders back and your chin up and keep on going. It still stings like hell. That's when I lost all respect for authority and was called out as being attention seeking and defiant partly because of my mouth but mainly for my abesenteism. 

I still made the honour roll. They can all suck it.