Not doing well
Just not doing well. Reminders, reminders. all just seems fresh again. Guess I held up for others. Dont know'
Almost 15 months of this. I found a pencil box with labels she must have made at the eating disorder rehab. One hit me between the eyes, It said "LIFE IS SHORT" I never noticed before that it was something she had made,
Such as her dry humor one of the labels said "I hate labels" I rarely go in that room, but sometimes have to. I look at some things we saved. Yes, my sweet child , you made your life short, but WHY could you not have persevered like you did with your education. I just wish so much that this were a nightmare. I dreamed for the first time last week. I dreamed that I went to the cemetery and she was alive.' This is soooo hard.
Almost 15 months of this. I found a pencil box with labels she must have made at the eating disorder rehab. One hit me between the eyes, It said "LIFE IS SHORT" I never noticed before that it was something she had made,
Such as her dry humor one of the labels said "I hate labels" I rarely go in that room, but sometimes have to. I look at some things we saved. Yes, my sweet child , you made your life short, but WHY could you not have persevered like you did with your education. I just wish so much that this were a nightmare. I dreamed for the first time last week. I dreamed that I went to the cemetery and she was alive.' This is soooo hard.
Replies
All of a sudden there is something there that Morgan made or did,,,sometimes it breaks my heart,,other times I can smile. Our girls,,too young...love ya!!
It is hard. I think the reminders begin to punch us in the gut a bit more as we begin to emerge from the intense pain and darkness of the first months. The more you are able to tend to matters that you just haven\'t been able to face, the more meltdowns you may face. But I have always embraced those meltdowns, thinking, \"well, let me look this in the eye, cry, and walk through it\". And the next time the same trigger attacks it\'s a bit easier to walk through it.
Hang in there ~ the path is rough and rocky but you are making meaningful progress and we are here to listen and help you pick up the pieces. Perhaps your dream was a message that she is alive, just not physical or visible to our senses.
Sending love and big tight hugs of comfort and peace ~ Debbie
Brandon\'s writings are under my bed, in my closet, and next to my bed in his book bag....I dare to read them some times....but then again, I am crushed because there they sit...unpublished....and then there is the one that was in his car that is unfinished....we will always be devastated by what has been left behind to remind us of their unfinished lives. I am a firm believer that their lives were timed by God no matter how it looks to the world...or us. Even though, it looks like they left here on their terms....I do not believe it for a minute. It was never a choice. And that is how I live with my son\'s leaving. It does not make it easier but acceptable. If that makes sense.
Your daughter persevered with her education much like Brandon did. He had his AA degree and nursing degree and was working on his BS and RN degree. He was brilliant and scholarly...a deep thinker. I get the same feeling that Karina was that way. She never really gave up....and your dream is just an indication that she IS alive!! Just hold onto that dream....remember she is not having to deal with anymore fleshly earth problems ever again....no eating disorders....no depression...not one single negative.
It is very hard.....the hardest thing we will ever do in our lifetime...God bless you and give you strength....but mostly peace...beautiful peace, dear friend....Love, dale..brandon\'s mom
My God Yes this is so hard! I\'m right there with you Cheryl, I ask \'why\' almost every day. I have bad days still, I think we always will.
Sending love, Terry
Reminders and memories can really be painful, I hope that in time they will become like little treasures. I think we all wish that this was just a nightmare that we could wake up from. I haven\'t had a dream about Wes yet but I remember after I lost mom the nurse brought me all of her meds (she had taken them to the hospital with her) and asked if I wanted them. I looked at her dumbfounded and asked her why I would need them now. Then I had a dreamj that she was alive but needed her meds in order to stay that way and since we had closed all of her bank accounts and I didn\'t have the money to buy them I knew that I couldn\'t get them for her but I also knew what would happen if I didn\'t. I don\'t know why our dreams are what they are. I am sure that it was like finding out all over again after you woke up from that dream. I am hoping that tomorrow brings you some peace and that you will start on the many upward swings that come along with this journey. At least at our very lowest of times we know pretty much for a certainty that it will swing the other way. Hugs...Kathy
Second year is worse than the first. Horrifying reality.
I feel as you do at 17 months, now. I feel like I\'ve gone backward, fast. Sorting through the same old feelings, still unable and unwilling to put pictures back or look at anything that was hers. So glad I moved out of that house last August. Looks like it might sell soon, buyers want another look. It\'s very hard to go there to clean. I can\'t imagine how hard it will be to empty that house. I went back to my mid-afteroon Xanax. No choice. I find myself overcome by grief at unexpected moments. It\'s a new phase of grief, different from the first but just as bad. Good moments? Yes but the thought of her, the loss of her, is there always. I think this is it, for the rest of my life. I so understand your pain. But our daughters are not in pain. There\'s something about that - it\'s comforting in a bizarre way. And we will see them again. Can\'t happen fast enough to suit me. Much love,
jill
Yes it is hard, so hard that sometimes we can\'t breath and my heart physically aches, but we go on. Why, I don\'t know. Everyday is a struggle. It was 15 months for me also on August 10th. There is always a reminder of my precious Jackie, we will always have these days, but, I know now that some days are easier than others when I thought I would never feel that way. So cry, scream, anything that helps you through this. I just got a tattoo. I do anything I can to get through this. All my love to you, Gail
This spiraling of ups, downs and in-between moments is our life now. It takes SO much energy to navigate it.
Understanding the sorrow that is felt that comes in so very strongly that second year for most of us as the numbness has worn off and the harsh reality is there. Our beloved children are not \"coming home\" to us.
I use the box image where I take down a \"box\" and sort through it for only as long as I\'m able, put the lid on it and place it back upon the shelf. Only so much grief can be allowed in at a time I have discovered for me.
Gentle care as you remember, heal and try to live this moment as best as you are able. This is what you are doing and it takes courage to face the day. You are where you need to be for this moment and are healing even on the days you doubt you could ever be... You are... This has been the glue that has held me together on the days I feel as fragmented as scattered as could be.
Thank goodness for companions on this path.
Love and hugs, Joanie
Tight hugs,
Joanie