Not doing good
Yesterday was pretty rough. ESPECIALLY last night. Boy was last night hard to get through.
Yesterday my face started doing this weird thing where it felt numb and slightly twitchy. Similar to when I have panic attacks and I had a bad one the day before. So i kept trying to tell myself it was just anxiety but seeing as how I'm constantly scared I'm dying, I convinced myself I was having a stroke.
It didn't helo like I was constantly touching my face all day long and poking at my neck messing with my skin bc that's what I do when something feels weird. I try to figure out why it's hurting or why it feels not right.
So by night time it was pretty bad I finally gave in and texted my mom. She never replied. I came so close to puking multiple times last night my stomach has been hurting so bad the oast few days and the constant anxiety is making it worse.
Every time I tried to sleep my face would twitch and id be in so much pain from my stomach. I finally got to sleep though and today hasn't been so bad. Rigjt from when I woke up I tried to not focus too much on my face and try to feel the other parts of my body. I feel like the more I focus on a specific body part the more I will feel whatever is scaring me about it.
I've tried to just leave my face and neck alone all day and it's helped a little bit. My stomach has still been hurting quite a bit but it's definitely not as bad as yesterday. I crapped like over 10 times yesterday it was awful.
Earlier I told my sister thar my face has been going numb and she was like "are you having a stroke bc that's what happens when you have a stroke" she was joking but she doesn't realize that I have been convincing myself I am having a stroke for weeks. After she said that I got very anxious and my face got really numb.
Anxiety has been affecting me physically much more than it ever has. At least I'm assuming that's what this is because nothing else is really out of the ordinary with my body. And my face does get numb and twitch when my anxiety spikes.
I think it's so bad lately because the weather has drastically changed. I love that it is cooler but fall is hard for me. Last year I don't think it was too bad but for some reason this year sucks. Years ago around fall is when my mental health reslly started to decline and eventually lead me to where I am today. I also was in my first ever relationship that ended terribly probably due to the fact that I was acting crazy.
That relationship has been the only one I've had so far and I don't know if I'll ever have another. So many feelings I'm scared I'll have again. I ended up getting incredibly jealous and angry and eventually suicidal (the person I was with was also suicidal and going through hard things so I think that didn't help very much)
So yeah this time of year is hard and I felt very sad and empty today. Trying to be positive and happy that the bees and wasps are slowly going away. Idk I think being on my phone is making anxiety bad again so I'm gonna end this journal. I'm hoping tomorrow I feel better enough to maybe bake something.
Replies
Could this be "Back-to-school" anxiety? It remains yours to sort, but I have noted a similar pattern among the various drop-outs in my life, myself included. It has been half a century since my first drop-out experience and I still feel ^it^ every year. The good new is that with much help from my psychotherapy network, ^it^ no longer shocks me and I can treat ^it^ alongside my seasonal allergies.
Just wondering. . . It remains yours to sort.
Continued support while you sort.
For what its worth
I believe anxiety is an attack on the entire nervous system. Physical symptoms can manifest in any and all of the places my central nervous system goes. I am pretty sure my central nervous system goes everywhere I go.
I was never too anxious about going back to school. In fact i usuall liked the first days because I got to wear my new school clothes and show everyone my new supplies. Also school has been on for over a month here.
I am hoping this is all just anxiety. Last night my left arm and leg kept feeling slightly crampy and weak and that really freaked me out seeing as how that's the side your heart is on. All my symptoms always get worse at night though.
Calendars get more than a bit skewed with drop out anxiety. Deep isolation and denial can play extra tricks on the mind.
Or. . . The list of possibilities is quite literally endless.
Continued support while you sort.
to check for a stroke--look at yourself and smile--is one side drooping? stick your tongue out--is one side crooked? lift up both arms in front of you (like a zombie) hold them straight---does one sink down? say a sentence to someone...do they detect any slurring?
if none of those things is happening--get to the doc pronto---if not, consider that you have been so stressed that you might be clenching--neck, teeth, jaws, etc so hard that you have affected some nerves--seriously=-I tend to clench my left side really badly and that side of my neck and jaw up to my ear can feel numb. try a heating pad and--relax? so easy to say--not so easy to do...but you can do some neck stretches---open your mouth as wide as possible--etc. to stretch out those muscles. feel better!
To hyperpgal, I do those things constantly. I literally check myself like 50 times a day. Honestly with all the hard smiling I do I think it makes my face muscles hurt worse.
Today I had no numbness at all til I got a headache a little bit ago and then had to take medicine. I'm scared of taking meds so it made anxiety bad and now here I am weakness in my arm and leg and my face feels weird. I'm trying to relax my muscles and not tense up too much. But the damage is probably already done. Hopefully I'll just fall asleep soon and won't feel this tomorrow.
oh yeah--I used to do the "chronic smile" that can play havoc as much as clenching---and also if you lift your eyebrows while you do it! you could also be sleeping funny---I sleep like a pretzel because of the anxiety and pretty much always wake up with something weird going on--this morning my hip and knee are off and I can walk on and off....anxiety--its a trip!