Not As Good As I'd Like
If I'm finally being truthful about my feelings, I am angry, and frustrated. I realize I study and study, all in an attempt to understand what my problem is, and how it works. That concept of "confluence" seems important today, with the understanding that it means an mixture or absence of boundaries. I am isolated and resisting work, I 'think' because of the feelings and fears of confluence in any new work I might get; how much of myself will I have to change again, to not be myself, in order to do the work? The confluence means I do not have my own identity, but change automatically to any new environment. I do not know of my feelings, I intellectualize them as a way to avoid thinking and feeling about them, so I don't know what I want. I have a real difficulty in talking about my feelings; and my feelings about me.
I want to delve deeper into the connection between my feelings and my job (work, career). There are a lot of unexamined feelings there, just like in the first paragraph. I don't feel I have the right to ask for what I want, I don't deserve to ask. I fear the new job, whichever one I get, needs things to be done that I will feel uncomfortable doing, or not want to do, and since they're paying and I need the pay, I must do what I'm asked to do, no matter how much it disturbs my personality's coping behaviors. I am angry, ahead of time, because I'm afraid. Because I deny my feelings, I don't know what I want or need; I don't have boundaries. I don't talk about what I can do; I focus on what is needed and what I must do in spite of what and how I feel. I 'think' [or remember] this is where the confluence comes in, and where I abandon my feelings. Damn!, it still gets back to not being able to say No! or say what I really want.
So how can I feel threatened by invalidation when I don't know who I am? Or how I feel? Part of it may be in my expectations, which are really fairy-tale dreams for avoiding pain, instead of realistic solutions to my sensations and feelings.
Here is where I'm beginning to feel. Until now, I have spent my time avoiding feelings, especially painful ones. I do feel the all my resistances to looking for "work", thought-out my life and not only now, is where some of the most glaring pain lies. I think I'm beginning to touch on it with this Journal entry. Getting myself to talk about what I really want, which involves feeling, really brings ALL my mental defenses to the forefront. I really resist that behavior. So, of course, that's where the problem is, that's where all the unresolved pain and grief is hidden. It's sooooo obvious.
I do see, at this moment, how my explaining is a defense. Even so, I do learn from studying the mechanics of the block and resistance to solve my ego's problem. I have argued several times with my supervisors and counselor lately that there is a 'switch' that I need to find, and they all argue back that no such 'miracle switch' exits that I'm looking for, and I am sure that they do not understand my perception that it is a single irrational belief about myself, my feeling, that once flipped to the other pole, will make an astounding difference. For my sake, I intuit that there is one main 'hinge-pin' belief or feeling, or implicit memory that started all this pain. It is the lack of an ability to see myself as separate from my environment, and I guess that is what co-dependency and any dependency feelings are about, dependence on the external world. The "classic conflict" for all humans is between the individual's needs and their environment's [social] needs. And when I'm confluent with my boundaries between my self and my boundaries, the conflict is upfront and personal. How do I separate my personal needs, feelings, from the social needs I need in order to survive?
I feel my self-imposed isolation is directly related to avoiding contact because I feel an obsession and compulsion to adjust and adapt my feelings and wants to anyone one else in my direct environment. I cannot say NO! to myself.
With that last statement, I'll withdraw to my usual educational analysis. There are three important concepts about unhealthy relationships to my environment that I'm trying to understand and use to analyze my resistances: Introjection, projection, and retroflection.
Introjection is when someone "swallows" something whole, like an idea or belief, without digesting it. Like some religious beliefs, or my identity; where my mom and anyone else told me who I was or should be, or would be; none of which were anything more than their desires to avoid their pains growing up. By protecting me so that I did not learn frustration and patience, they did me a great disservice. [I'll add that "quote" I mentioned in the last journal entry at the end of this one. It relates to some of this and my feelings] Once something is introjected, it is not "digested" and is still foreign to the body and we still reject it. It's like something we were forced to believe, that is not true. An example is when parents rave about our art or abilities or our darling looks and they assume everyone else agrees with their opinion. We get a lot of false admiration, for doing nothing, and then we expect it from everyone as part of our identity. We're "owed" that admiration and attention, because...that's who we are! We swallowed their opinion hook, line, and sinker! as part of our right and identity. Then, when we meet the rest of the real world, we're frustrated and do not no how to deal with the disappointment. Parents are too focused on security for painful feelings and not development for adjusting ourselves to the reality of disappointment. I'm guessing that's where I still am.
Projection is when a disowned, or maybe a previously introjected, part of ourselves. A part we want to deny we are or have, is projected onto someone or something else. Once again, a confluent person who can't distinguish between the outside and inside worlds, sees the parts of their personality that they refuse to identify with as a part of themselves but can readily identify and resist in someone else or their behavior. For example: attention. If you want attention and admiration for yourself, and you were taught that gettijng too much attention was "bad" and you then reject that feeling as unworthy of yourself, you will be angry and jealous, if not envious, of anyone who IS getting attention. You projection is that attention and admiration is bad and hurts others.
Retroflection is when the projected attack on the other person cannot be made without feeling guilt and is instead turned back onto the self. Like a narcissist, who instead of directing his love outward to an object, falls in love with himself; or whenever there is a reflexive pronoun used like "talking to himself" instead of talking to someone else; and where suicide is a substitute for homicide. Anytime I am "beating myself up" [myself being a reflexive pronoun], I am really angry and wanting to beat the crap out of someone else, who I may believe hurt me or at least my narcissistic ideal-identity; and since beating someone else up just happens to be against the law and begets punishment, our/my anger expression is frustrated so I turn it against myself. And anger at the self I always define as depression. In fact, we "depress" our anger, when we "should" be letting the out, expressing it, in order to dissipate it. as we commented in the last entry, getting to not only recognize, acknowledge, and feel our real sensations [body feelings], but expressing them to ourselves even, relieves the conflict between feeling at rest and disturbed about the "unwanted" or "bad" feelings.
We all do these things, so it's not so unusual. Our society helps create these behaviors instead of being healthy mentally. Society promotes the repression of feelings, and inhibits the teaching of satisfactory ways of relieving them.
********************************************
Here is the quote, From F. S. Perl's book, "Ego, Hunger, and Aggression-a Revision of Freud's Theory and Method", (Pages 329-330):
"We realize that a house cannot be built without the materials required; we understand that the organism [human] in its striving for gratification develops the "instruments whereby" the satisfaction can be achieved; in all these cases we accept easily that the "means whereby" and the endgain [desired outcome] are parts of the whole. But to this rule there is at least one exception, where the "means whereby" are either neglected or applied in an "anti-biological" [anti-physical, anti-sensation] manner: Idealism; which is an attitude apparently concentrated entirely on the endgain [reward, outcome, end satisfaction]. I say apparently, because as soon as one examines more closely the individual cases of idealism, one finds the ideals themselves to be "means whereby" the need for affection, appreciation, and admiration is being gratified. Even if the bearer of high ideals maintains that he [she/they] is striving for perfection for its own sake, he is usually mistaken; he wants to be in God's good books, or he gratifies his vanity by picturing himself as perfect.
He is incapable of accepting himself as he is, because he has lost the "feel of himself" and with that the drive for [purely natural] biological endgains. Having lost the awareness of his biological being he must invent a "meaning of life" to justify his existence. These "invented aims", called ideals, unconnected with his biological reality, float in the air, and any endeavor to realize them will leave him with a feeling of inferiority, impotency, and even despair. [Since the ideals are fabricated in the imagination as wishful dreams, they can never be achieved as real, since they are not; so he cannot "live up" to them, so he feels inferior, is not powerful enough to achieve an unreal possibility and feels impotent, and then despairs of not ever being able to accomplish the impossible, and un-needed. The whole creation of the Ideal is an attempt at escaping from reality: a projected conflict.] Those biological aims which either are not yet or cannot be repressed are, at the same time, experienced as interfering with his ideals and are fought to the point of exhaustion. Result: nervous breakdowns and impulsive explosions.
Parents, by their upholding impossible standards of behavior, turn the life of their children into hell. They make the fundamental mistake of striving for perfection instead of development. With their idealistic, ambitious attitude they achieve the opposite of their intentions: they arrest the development, spread confusion and promote inferiority feelings.
There is a famous book which shows the catastrophic resultsof idealism clearly enough, if you only understand it correctly: the story ofDr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyll represents the ideal, not a human being. Heis an unselfish benefactor of mankind, loyal in spite of frustrations, andchaste in the face of strong instincts. To materialize his ideal he uses the “meanswhereby” of repression; he represses his animalistic existence; he hides in Mr.Hyde the jackal (Jekyll). The human being has been differentiated intoopposites “angel” and “devil”, the one praised and welcome, the other detestedand repulsed; but the one can as little exist without the other as can lightwithout its shadow.
Isolationist!; wishful thinking does not like such truth. Yet idealism and religion --- by trying to achieve the impossible, to produce Dr. Jekylls from human organisms--- simultaneously create their opposites: millions of Mr. Hydes. Withoutaccepting their biological “reality, “Idealistic” Dr. Jekyll and “materialistic”Mr. Hyde will go on existing till mankind has finally destroyed itself.
An individual might be cured of opium addiction, he might even be cured of his mental opium, of idealism. However, will mankind ever realize that the ideal is only a beautiful mirage, but incapable of providing the real camel with the real water for the real march through the real desert?"
******************************
I hope this helps all of us. Now back to my learning to express my feelings...
I want to delve deeper into the connection between my feelings and my job (work, career). There are a lot of unexamined feelings there, just like in the first paragraph. I don't feel I have the right to ask for what I want, I don't deserve to ask. I fear the new job, whichever one I get, needs things to be done that I will feel uncomfortable doing, or not want to do, and since they're paying and I need the pay, I must do what I'm asked to do, no matter how much it disturbs my personality's coping behaviors. I am angry, ahead of time, because I'm afraid. Because I deny my feelings, I don't know what I want or need; I don't have boundaries. I don't talk about what I can do; I focus on what is needed and what I must do in spite of what and how I feel. I 'think' [or remember] this is where the confluence comes in, and where I abandon my feelings. Damn!, it still gets back to not being able to say No! or say what I really want.
So how can I feel threatened by invalidation when I don't know who I am? Or how I feel? Part of it may be in my expectations, which are really fairy-tale dreams for avoiding pain, instead of realistic solutions to my sensations and feelings.
Here is where I'm beginning to feel. Until now, I have spent my time avoiding feelings, especially painful ones. I do feel the all my resistances to looking for "work", thought-out my life and not only now, is where some of the most glaring pain lies. I think I'm beginning to touch on it with this Journal entry. Getting myself to talk about what I really want, which involves feeling, really brings ALL my mental defenses to the forefront. I really resist that behavior. So, of course, that's where the problem is, that's where all the unresolved pain and grief is hidden. It's sooooo obvious.
I do see, at this moment, how my explaining is a defense. Even so, I do learn from studying the mechanics of the block and resistance to solve my ego's problem. I have argued several times with my supervisors and counselor lately that there is a 'switch' that I need to find, and they all argue back that no such 'miracle switch' exits that I'm looking for, and I am sure that they do not understand my perception that it is a single irrational belief about myself, my feeling, that once flipped to the other pole, will make an astounding difference. For my sake, I intuit that there is one main 'hinge-pin' belief or feeling, or implicit memory that started all this pain. It is the lack of an ability to see myself as separate from my environment, and I guess that is what co-dependency and any dependency feelings are about, dependence on the external world. The "classic conflict" for all humans is between the individual's needs and their environment's [social] needs. And when I'm confluent with my boundaries between my self and my boundaries, the conflict is upfront and personal. How do I separate my personal needs, feelings, from the social needs I need in order to survive?
I feel my self-imposed isolation is directly related to avoiding contact because I feel an obsession and compulsion to adjust and adapt my feelings and wants to anyone one else in my direct environment. I cannot say NO! to myself.
With that last statement, I'll withdraw to my usual educational analysis. There are three important concepts about unhealthy relationships to my environment that I'm trying to understand and use to analyze my resistances: Introjection, projection, and retroflection.
Introjection is when someone "swallows" something whole, like an idea or belief, without digesting it. Like some religious beliefs, or my identity; where my mom and anyone else told me who I was or should be, or would be; none of which were anything more than their desires to avoid their pains growing up. By protecting me so that I did not learn frustration and patience, they did me a great disservice. [I'll add that "quote" I mentioned in the last journal entry at the end of this one. It relates to some of this and my feelings] Once something is introjected, it is not "digested" and is still foreign to the body and we still reject it. It's like something we were forced to believe, that is not true. An example is when parents rave about our art or abilities or our darling looks and they assume everyone else agrees with their opinion. We get a lot of false admiration, for doing nothing, and then we expect it from everyone as part of our identity. We're "owed" that admiration and attention, because...that's who we are! We swallowed their opinion hook, line, and sinker! as part of our right and identity. Then, when we meet the rest of the real world, we're frustrated and do not no how to deal with the disappointment. Parents are too focused on security for painful feelings and not development for adjusting ourselves to the reality of disappointment. I'm guessing that's where I still am.
Projection is when a disowned, or maybe a previously introjected, part of ourselves. A part we want to deny we are or have, is projected onto someone or something else. Once again, a confluent person who can't distinguish between the outside and inside worlds, sees the parts of their personality that they refuse to identify with as a part of themselves but can readily identify and resist in someone else or their behavior. For example: attention. If you want attention and admiration for yourself, and you were taught that gettijng too much attention was "bad" and you then reject that feeling as unworthy of yourself, you will be angry and jealous, if not envious, of anyone who IS getting attention. You projection is that attention and admiration is bad and hurts others.
Retroflection is when the projected attack on the other person cannot be made without feeling guilt and is instead turned back onto the self. Like a narcissist, who instead of directing his love outward to an object, falls in love with himself; or whenever there is a reflexive pronoun used like "talking to himself" instead of talking to someone else; and where suicide is a substitute for homicide. Anytime I am "beating myself up" [myself being a reflexive pronoun], I am really angry and wanting to beat the crap out of someone else, who I may believe hurt me or at least my narcissistic ideal-identity; and since beating someone else up just happens to be against the law and begets punishment, our/my anger expression is frustrated so I turn it against myself. And anger at the self I always define as depression. In fact, we "depress" our anger, when we "should" be letting the out, expressing it, in order to dissipate it. as we commented in the last entry, getting to not only recognize, acknowledge, and feel our real sensations [body feelings], but expressing them to ourselves even, relieves the conflict between feeling at rest and disturbed about the "unwanted" or "bad" feelings.
We all do these things, so it's not so unusual. Our society helps create these behaviors instead of being healthy mentally. Society promotes the repression of feelings, and inhibits the teaching of satisfactory ways of relieving them.
********************************************
Here is the quote, From F. S. Perl's book, "Ego, Hunger, and Aggression-a Revision of Freud's Theory and Method", (Pages 329-330):
"We realize that a house cannot be built without the materials required; we understand that the organism [human] in its striving for gratification develops the "instruments whereby" the satisfaction can be achieved; in all these cases we accept easily that the "means whereby" and the endgain [desired outcome] are parts of the whole. But to this rule there is at least one exception, where the "means whereby" are either neglected or applied in an "anti-biological" [anti-physical, anti-sensation] manner: Idealism; which is an attitude apparently concentrated entirely on the endgain [reward, outcome, end satisfaction]. I say apparently, because as soon as one examines more closely the individual cases of idealism, one finds the ideals themselves to be "means whereby" the need for affection, appreciation, and admiration is being gratified. Even if the bearer of high ideals maintains that he [she/they] is striving for perfection for its own sake, he is usually mistaken; he wants to be in God's good books, or he gratifies his vanity by picturing himself as perfect.
He is incapable of accepting himself as he is, because he has lost the "feel of himself" and with that the drive for [purely natural] biological endgains. Having lost the awareness of his biological being he must invent a "meaning of life" to justify his existence. These "invented aims", called ideals, unconnected with his biological reality, float in the air, and any endeavor to realize them will leave him with a feeling of inferiority, impotency, and even despair. [Since the ideals are fabricated in the imagination as wishful dreams, they can never be achieved as real, since they are not; so he cannot "live up" to them, so he feels inferior, is not powerful enough to achieve an unreal possibility and feels impotent, and then despairs of not ever being able to accomplish the impossible, and un-needed. The whole creation of the Ideal is an attempt at escaping from reality: a projected conflict.] Those biological aims which either are not yet or cannot be repressed are, at the same time, experienced as interfering with his ideals and are fought to the point of exhaustion. Result: nervous breakdowns and impulsive explosions.
Parents, by their upholding impossible standards of behavior, turn the life of their children into hell. They make the fundamental mistake of striving for perfection instead of development. With their idealistic, ambitious attitude they achieve the opposite of their intentions: they arrest the development, spread confusion and promote inferiority feelings.
There is a famous book which shows the catastrophic resultsof idealism clearly enough, if you only understand it correctly: the story ofDr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyll represents the ideal, not a human being. Heis an unselfish benefactor of mankind, loyal in spite of frustrations, andchaste in the face of strong instincts. To materialize his ideal he uses the “meanswhereby” of repression; he represses his animalistic existence; he hides in Mr.Hyde the jackal (Jekyll). The human being has been differentiated intoopposites “angel” and “devil”, the one praised and welcome, the other detestedand repulsed; but the one can as little exist without the other as can lightwithout its shadow.
Isolationist!; wishful thinking does not like such truth. Yet idealism and religion --- by trying to achieve the impossible, to produce Dr. Jekylls from human organisms--- simultaneously create their opposites: millions of Mr. Hydes. Withoutaccepting their biological “reality, “Idealistic” Dr. Jekyll and “materialistic”Mr. Hyde will go on existing till mankind has finally destroyed itself.
An individual might be cured of opium addiction, he might even be cured of his mental opium, of idealism. However, will mankind ever realize that the ideal is only a beautiful mirage, but incapable of providing the real camel with the real water for the real march through the real desert?"
******************************
I hope this helps all of us. Now back to my learning to express my feelings...
Replies
I have had to \"kill\" my parents in order to heal (mentally and emotionally that is) OVER AND OVER AND OVER....I have reached a place of forgiveness after all these yrs. as I continue to raise myself. It is a challeging experience; but worth it...I have learned to love Vicki (not easy at times as I continually wanted to return to the PAIN) thru infancy to adult. That\'s where \"honoring\" the \"good, the bad and the ugly\" came in...And, as I have done and continue to do this over the past 32yrs.,it allows me to \"honor\" my biological parents on their journey. It has also allowed me to go to my children and share with them why \"my actions\" raising them were as such...I am not totally \"clear of my childhood wounds\" but, I am so much better...Hopefully, I have broken the cycle some; and I realize my parents broke it some from how they were raised...For me, it all takes time and I am a little better about letting it unfold as it should...I am much more \"peace-filled\" than i used to be and that has always been my prayer; just to be at-ease and at-peace within this body!
Baby-steps, baby-steps! As you know and just experienced with me, there is always going to be \"triggers!\" Hugs, Vicki
Well, I are hearing, rather strongly from you and textbooks, that atentions to feelings is the way to recovery. \"Killing\" your parents would indicate anger! ;-), and you probably mean killing the pain you blame them for; except \'blame\' here means identifying where you got your unhealthy beliefs about yourself. I can see where I can \'blame\' my mom, or dad, and in the end it\'s still about me and now. I can\'t heal if I accept I cannot change because what happened in the past. The whole reason we are here is to change or feelings about ourselves in order to recover from our unknown motivations. Blaming does not relieve us from our dependency and claining we are helpless.
And to me I still have to admit and express my feelings and not just talk about them; the pain, anger, and grief, which, as you know, are feelings we\'re told not to have and to \"split-off\" from ourselves as unworthy feelings. Kid\'s brains cannot rationalize, other wise they\'d explain to their parents what their errors are in parenting.
Thanks again for your continued comments, and for the hugs; I\'ll need them instead of comments like \"get over youyrself\".
;-)
I hate platitudes..it\'s always been a \"pet-peeve\" of mine! Especially, \"let go and let God!\" I always wanted to say, \" If I could let go and let God, don\'t you think I would fuckin\' do it!\"
Anyway, there is one platitude (oh my goodness, I can\'t believe I\'m going to express one) that rings true for me today: \"Feel the feeling and get the healing!\" There, I said it...Celebrate you today and how far you have come and the feelings you have allowed to this point!
Hugs, Vicki
YIKES!!! She said the \"F\"-word!!! Eiyeeeeeeeeee!!! Hahaha! Glad to hear you express how you really feel about stupid insipid innane platutides. Although I must admit I understand the purpose, which relates to the Serenity Prayer and knowing when you really don\'t have any \"magic\" or \"godly\" powers to control anything. It\'s a good thing to know, when your frustrations are about expectations and not reality about when we don\'t get \"our way\". Still, we, as Co\'s, may just pout instead of expressing our painful feelings and disappointments anyway, like you just quoted. And you forgot to add \"you stupid dumb-ass!\" to that first quote. Oh! And it implies the magical powers of an imaginary being to resolve issues instead of learning how to resolve and calm our disappointments ourselves: \"let someone else like a magical mommy or daddy do it, I can\'t and I\'m not able enough, and I could never learn to do such a difficult thing...I\'m helpless, weak, and stupid.\" Yeah, Right!
And that\'s exactly the baby steps I want to start taking; simply stop avoiding what I\'m feeling. I don;t want to go too far overboard in expressing myself like going from daylight to dark in one afternoon, but my anger is starting to make itself known this week. I\'m starting to admit to myself the crap that really DOES piss me off, and not try to subvert it, or \"make nice\". I\'m tired of lying to others about how I really feel. I AM depressed, like Dave; I\'m finacially depressed. I am limited by a meager income at the moment. And I\'m angry about how much difficulty I have in expressing myself or describing myself, or stating what I really want, without avoiding the reprecussions of \"correctness\" and \"appropriateness\". I\'m tired of \"understanding\" everyone else\'s feelings and protecting THEIR delicate feelings, while I agree to lie about protecting mine from me. The lying about my feelings is really about self-abuse.
I \'think\' the mechanism goes like this: something \"makes me angry\", or someone, and I know will be punished for hurting someone else\'s feelings if I express mine, so I automaticall feel I can\'t do that, so I punish myself for my \"evil\" thoughts AND for the frustration of believing and behaving as though I cannot defend myself. From my counselor, it is a competence issue. I\'m not competent at defending myself; somehow it\'s not \"allowed\". MY feelings don\'t matter. I am feeling frustrated and I need to feel free to express it. The only co-dependent problem is in the \"I need to feel free\" comment as though it requires someone else\'s permission. the only one censoring me is my self-consciousness about how I will be perceived if I express myself. I guess the restricitng question is \"how will I be judged if I suddenly stop lying about how I feel?\" and, even a better one: \"why do I still give a crap if it still hurts to still agree to be doing that to myself?\"
Is it possible that it is a projection of how I would feel if I was on the receiving end of a tirade? Tirades and overt expressions seem so stupid, like a failure to communicate or the stupidity and embarrassment of misunderstanding: ignorance. I\'ve always thought of angry expressions as a lack of understanding something; implying ignorance or stupidity. Maybe it\'s NOT. I\'m the one hung-up on \"understanding\" and rational explanations; making excuses for angry reactions to behaviors. Maybe like in that \"Intamacy\" book, the indoctrination that the person was drunk and really didn\'t mean what they said was someone else making an excuse to help some emotional-cripple avoid taking responsibility for their behavior --- for whatever reason, and I\'M the one that\'s supposed to be understanding instead of the stupid son-of-a-bitch who mis-behaved, as an adult no less, and is relieved of understanding what they\'ve done. I can feel where I get that crazy reacton to being falsely accused for anything now, and being completely defensive everytime I turn around; I\'m the one who was punished for not \"understanding\" better, instead of my perpetrator! I had to protect THEIR FUCKING feelings, oh poor them, instead of mine. MY feelings were invalidated! That\'s what pisses me OFF!!! I felt punished for feeling my justifed feelings from some stupid asshole, who was out of his or her mind, and maybe just because they were \"the adult\", and I was an ignorant child!! Talk about WHO was misbehaving. No WONDER I\'m so offended by stupid people who do stupid things. I\'m always (okay, not ALWAYS, it just feels that way writing this; and don\'t interrupt my tirade! I\'m on an emotional roll for Crist\'s sake!!! A very rare for me.) get punished for someone else\'s fuck-ups and I\'m tired of not expressing my feelings in defense of myself. I really am intolerant [I normally and really FEEL intolerant], of stupid people who insist on doing stupid things, that hurt me or cause me extra problems (which may come back to haunt me as hating myself for not being IDEAL or PERFECT, therefore it seems I am stupid and ignorant in comparison to ideal and perfect.) MAYBE that\'s where the intolerance come from: being \"ideally understanding\" of all things at all times for everyone,... but ME!!!
In any case, your platitude is a useful tool for us, and me. The more I feel the feelings, the more healing I can do. The repressed feelings about mourning and grief over all the times I felt hurt and angry that I couldn\'t express may eventually heal as I let them go. I\'m not sure right now that if I just rationaize their lack of importance, NOW, that letting them go will work. I think the ones I remember are not the ones that are causing the main problem with recovery, it\'s the unknown ones. Still it\'s learning to grow big enough \"Balls\" to face those repressed painful feelings and sensations that count. In truth, they\'re not that powerfull, they just haven\'t been let go. I still \"hang on\" to their importance for when they happened, and what they meant to me then. It\'s what they mean to me now that is important. I need to respect the pain, feel it, and let it go by itself. I don\'t need to force it. It\'s caged, by me, and it wants to be free to go. It\'s letting go that is the \"relief\"; letting go of the feeling\'s importance. It\'s just a feeling, that I\'m creating the importance of. No one else.
\"Feel the feeling and get the healing!\" Good One. It may turn out that the raging tiger is actually a pet mouse, that I created a perception of as a tiger in order ot make it important. [WOW! I\'ve really go that intellectualizing to avoid feeling down, don\'t I?]
Thanks for the comment, and the platitude, and the hugs. Hugs to you too.
Rich
One more insight tonight: No matter how much I blame anything or anyone in my past, it doesn\'t change anything now. Blaming doesn\'t change anything that needs changing now. They are two separate things. Blaming isn\'t changing.
I feel that helps me wake up a little more. I\'ve been dreaming, in the past, and now I\'m trying to wake up; the dreaming is a repetition of the past, feelings of the past that I keep repeating now. If I don\'t feel them now, I keep repeating them until I do.
Interesting. \"Feel the feelings now, and get the healing now\". I feel I need to say I can\'t heal the feelings of the past, I can only heal them now. Probably a good process to remember to do from now on.
Rich
I can remember as a teenager opening my mouth to defend myself and I got shut down immediately with physical exertion; but secondly, with verbal. Mom: Tthere goes Vicki again opening her big mouth when she needs to keep it shut! Can\'t keep that mouth shut! Keep your mouth shut; you don\'t know anything you slut, etc.\" This is just one miniscule ingrained memory; as with you, it really creates a mind-fuck for us...Undoing all of this takes time and the strength to feel all of those feelings..I am surprised we survived. I am surprised I literally did not kill my parents..And, isn\'t that amazing, I never even thought about it...All I could think about was pleasing, pleasing, pleasing, and what was I doing wrong to deserve this...We really should be proud of ourselves and give ourselves kudos everyday!
Good day to ya!
Yes! We tend to overlook the fact while sitting here at our age we did survive our \"ordeal of false and irrational indoctrination\". I\'m feeling this morning that as we continue to feel freer to express our anger at past events, more of them will begin to appear to be let out and healed. They were so painful about our thoughts about ourselves that we simply denied them, and the pain.
I fully understand my own version of the \"please, please, please\" co-dependent obsessional feeling. My inner vocie hears the quote: \"They know better, they are parents and they know everything correctly.\"
And people wonder why we have \"trust issues\" and an \"approach/flee\" conflict phobias. It\'s safer to shutup than be attacked and feel verbally brutalized. I don\'t know about you, but most of the time I do not speak up freely, and your memory may be why for me too. It may be why I fear \"saying something stupid\" so I \"better\" have ALL my facts right BEFORE I say anything. [You know, Vicki; some people feel absolutely no shame or guilt for saying anything stupid. They seem to me to believe their opinion is reality, and everyone \"should\" agree. I feel these are the types that taught and scarred us! No wonder I hate the bastards, but don\'t say anything either. I\'m so fucking disgusted with them, due to my pain, I can\'t stand to feel anything. I just shut up. Like you, I\'m afraid to say anything out of painful habits.]
I don\'t feel my learning experience was nearly as overtly cruel and physical as your experience; although it is not a contest for \"who deserves most pity betwen us either. I do feel the \"living up to an ideal\" is burried in your experience\'s meaning too. Mine seems more insidious and accidently covert: I was told I was so smart and so cute and that I am \"as good as anyone and better than most\". It set me up to believe I was ideal, and when that continued to not happen, due to reality, I felt I was doing and being me wrong and if I were just more pleasing, pleasing, pleasing... my \"true identity\" (according to mom) would be recognized! I feel that seldom happened. The explanation of the cause of my dysfunction is that I didn\'t feel I had to do anything to get admiration (Damn! I hate how that sounds and it feels so narcissitically sick. Although I didn\'t form that identity myself, it was introjected, forced on me. That\'s my defense for feeling ashamed for writing this explanation) ... I felt I deserved.
I was introjected to feeling superior, and felt I was \"naturally\' important, and by last night I realized during meditation that the feeling of importance, superiority, is the problem as far as work goes. (I\'m still speculating here and I may be wrong, but it does \"feel right\" as a symptom description and analysis.) I then split off any failing sides of me, disowned them, and then projected them out onto anyone else that I needed to in order to feel better about \"mom\'s identity of me\" (I\'m still avoiding responsibility here while I let it out. Shame, embarrassment, and disgust are extremely difficult feelings for any of us to feel, especially if we\'re \"self-conscious\" of our \"ideal\".) The next thing is that out of my habit of projecting that feeling out to others, I retroflected it back onto myself; the feeling that that\'s what everyone else was thinking of me too, so I kept trying [developed the habit] to please everyone so I wouldn\'t feel inferior. I felt guilty for feeling superior, or should I say \"needing\" to feel superior, in order to live up to mom\'s idealization of me. Once I retroflected my lack of superiority back I felt \"not good enough\" about anything. And I\'m NOT, since no one can live up to an imaginary \"IDEAL\". It would explain my fear of looking for work for two reasons: 1) Any position I ask for MUST be important and superior, and 2) I feel worthless, compared to an ideal importance, to do anything! So it ends up that I \'attack myself\' [feel depressed and angry] constantly for not being \"who I should be\": Ideal.
It surely does explain my isolation beliefs and needs. AND, it does explain my anger at everyone, including myself, for not playing along with \"mom\'s belief\". Just like your mom\'s and dad\'s beliefs of you.
So I agree with you Vicki: the more we heal ourselves, the more we should be proud of who we really are, and not just as survivors until now. However we are, as we really are, is the respect we need to give our whole selves; as you say: \"the good, the bad,and the ugly\". We are not inherently bad,... nor inherently good. We are not a label at all. A pencil, of itself, is neither good or bad; it depends on its environment and purpose. It\'s not meant to be used for anything and everything. It has limitations to its use and purpose. I guess I\'m saying it\'s not \"ideal\" for all situations, and was never meant to be; just like us!
All you wanted (I\'m mind-reading) to do was to belong, and be heard, for who you were. To have your feelings validated, to be validated as special with your own opinions and beliefs and viewpoint; and you got just the opposite. No wonder we feel so disgusted with people (Or should I say \"I\"?), and afraid of them. I\'m afraid I\'ll be seen the way I see them, I feel sorry for them, I reject them; so I feel I\'m being judged the same way.
I feel that the \"urge\" to feel that everyone feels the same way I do comes from the same experiences you had; where your parents, and mine, wanted us to adopt their views as ours: introject their beliefs without discussion or argument. That we \"should\" all share the same view as I do or you do; and it throws us when they don\'t. Disagreeing [boundary] is \"bad and wrong\", since the lesson is: we\'re all \"supposed to\" agree in order to support the family and society\'s beleifs.
I\'m glad I got that feeling out. Thanks for your conversation, the reality of it. I hope you have a good day too. BIG HUG
Sometimes I envy how you can get your point across in so few words, whereas I am excessivley detailed in my response. You write 12 lines, I respond with 93.
I guess there is something in my past about not being understood or interpreted correctly or accurately, so the logic of what I say I feel is so important, that I try to make sure it is EXACT! Or...oh no! IDEAL!!!
;-)