Normal?????

Okay so I went with my daughter to her highschool's football game friday night and had a blast! we sat in front of the band and her school was whoopin booty and we were all jammin to band music which I love (I could watch Drumline everyday and never get bored!) and then I took her and her friends to play pool. Of course I've slept all weekend and my side hurts and I don't know what's gonna happen with that but I am having those "I wanna go back to work" feelings again....bad. I have a feeling I am gonna need another surgery or something cause I know something in there is not right. so wtf? I was talking to my best friend in the world the other night and thank god she understands me and me her. I was telling her I am fine as long as I do NOTHING. well not fine ya know, but when I am home and I rest all the time and basically transport my butt from one sitting position to another and then to a laying and then maybe to another sitting etc... I do okay. But then every once in awhile I go out and do something and I get this wild hair that says "you can be normal" "you can go back to work" " you can do a little" and you know what...it's crap. I know it, I know it as surely as I sit here but I sooooo badl want it to be so. I just want to go back to work and be normal and be out in public with people and feel the air and socialize and do the job that I think I was really good at and it all makes me so mad cause I can do it and I know I can......once. it's that second and third time that's the problem.  What did I do to deserve this shit? It's great that I can go to an occasional outing and have a good time but life doesn't allow you a week recovery between days. I CONSIDER WORKING A GOOD TIME!!!!!!!!! HOW MESSED UP IS THAT! I miss my job and the people and the work I do so bad I feel empty and like I have no purpose sometimes. I worked so hard to get where I was! now I'm a lump. It's a good day if I leave the house. How pathetic am I