no...'way of being'...
I know that title may sound pretty obvious...but it just is ocurring to me again right now in a different form.
I went to work this morning and had a nice day at work, but after work I found myself thinking
about what I thought about while working. I guess it doesn't necessarily have to be a 'but', however
at a certain point I thought about my friend the Abbess and what a life of prayer and contemplation would
mean to me. It was tempting. In a sense or on a level, it occured to me that it would be about relating to an aesthetic of life...and that thought kind of put me into a state of hubris..I felt bad and just shut that all down and went on with work.
And so I came home and got ready to go over to my family's house for Christmas Eve..showered, changed..
went to Starbucks and ran an errand...being out there amongst the public (outside of my comfort circle of family and friends) I found myself going down into depression. The depression actually started while at home and I thought I better shake it off, and what would that take?, I thought. In essence I thought I am probably looking for a way of being, to hold on to, to help me feel good about my choices and my actions while alone. Validation perhaps? Surety? In any event, I went 'out there' and I kind of found through trial and error my grounding again. Sluffing off the idea of a 'way of being' and holding fast to the notion that we need to be dynamic in how we modulate our feelings and emotions. Maybe this sounds too stupid but I just
came home and don't feel so depressed now. I just feel real about what I am doing - and better able to put things - like that bitch at the pharmacy counter - into perspective (haha). I am ready for today's family gathering in an hour or so...and c'est la vie.
Merry Christmas Eve everyone!! xx
Replies
Mark - I think you are looking for absolutes. Something that we can do or become that will protect us from our mental health issues. I know that I have sought for those also, with none to be found. We are at the whim of our illness sometimes and must react to them. No help but just am observation as I am looking for the same thing.
Thanks Thor.
Are you thinking about joining an abbey? I seriously thought and looked into joining the French Foreign Legion. Was too old. I still see suicide as a transformation rather than an end. I long for something to change me from being me and my situation into something new and absolute.
I have thought about the monastic life but I don’t think it’s for me..
Nope, the title isn't at all obvious to me, at all. Isn't choosing a way of being a bit like getting lost in the delusion that I really can be a dog or a hawk or a unicorn. Don't laugh, compadre, I really have been that far down the proverbial rabbit hole. Maybe the journey back to the real world warped my ability to choose rather than *just* work with what is in front of me.
Dunno, but it is an interesting chew. . . Thank you.
Glad ya shook off them blues. Here's a potential assist from my personal favorite blues shakin' preacher. His masses were enough to shake the blues out of the archdiocese.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQOxRDxoJw4
Thanks Arfie, Merry Christmas. Will check out the link later.
Saw the youtube finally - SO cute!