No strength.

I can barely bring myself to even type this right now. I am at a complete loss of strength. I feel powerless and absolutely devasted. There is nothing i can do to change my partner. I knew this i guess i wasnt ready truly for the idea that he wasnt ready to change for himself. The feelings coming up are so heavy. This is definetly my lowest. Usually I am posting from a place of clarity for the most part but not today. Today im not good. I don't feel i have any hope at all. My efforts to refocus have brought me to a place where i don't know if i can accept. Refocusing on myself means i truly may have to accept that my partner wont give up his sexual addiction for himself. I think he is for sure doing it for me, because of the relationship but if I was gone he wwould be acting out.  When i try to have boundaries -- or when im am at a loss with him and get very frustrated to the point i think I might have to leave sometimes instead of fighting to get me to stay --- he lets me go. He plans to act out as soon as I leave. It's like im nothing to him. He wants other people but doesn't have the balls to break up? It feels that im in a living nightmare.Being nothing to someone is a familiar feelings. Its strange because i will bring up breaking up and he will fight me sometimes... but then when i can see he is going to let me go. That he doesn't care i am afraid, neglect, feelings of dispair and not good enough flood through me, it feels as though i can't go on alone. All to familiar feelings i've had as a child. And then i start fighting him trying to manipulate him to stay, to not be in his addiction. I try to control his mindset. I try to get him out of a bad place so i can feel that he care again. Now I have no idea if he cares, if he feels pressured to be with me, if he only wants this for me, and if im capable of being alone. Gosh this relationship brings back so many memories. Feelings stuck. I don't know if i am even capable of leaving it.Facing the abandonment again. I  dont know if i can bring myself to voluntarily feel that again. It's the worst feeling in the whole world. Loving someone and then realizing they dont love you back although you are better off for it. It's even worse of a feeling loosing someone to an addiction. To watch them slink down the sewer hole knowing they are in danger knowing you can't follow or protect them. Seeing that they aren't capable of protecting you. Being dissapointed one more time by god because he hasn't helped them or changed them. I thought maybe journaling would help lift this feeling of total weakness and depression but to be honest. It hasn't not today. Im just trying to accept these feelings. They are happening.