No plan

So, I am feeling a bit bad about myself today.  I really didn't want to wake up.  Eventually I did, and made myself take my meds and have some cereal.  I think I brushed my teeth today.  I am feeling an overall lack of motivation.  I wouldn't say I am anxious exactly, more like I am trying to keep myself from getting down about how I didn't accomplish anything today. I managed to make dinner yesterday.  I tried not to beat on myself for messing up part of one recipe.   It's weird how as I move through the depression, and I start trying to do the things I've done a million times before, I notice how perceptions about myself run to such a basic level.  I really have to catch myself and stop the auto playback of negative messages all of the time.  They're built in.  My head constantly rings with all of the things I haven't done, should do, and when I haven't done something right or as well as I think I should. Right now, I feel bad because I think I'm whining/complaining.  It's ok to let it out.... right?  This is my journal.  If I can't let it out here, where should I? I know on some level that I am getting better slowly.  I don't feel as constantly bad about myself or paralyzed as I did a few weeks ago.  It's less of a thought process to get myself some water or go to the bathroom.  It just seems like every step feels bad in a different way.  And there's a large part of my brain that quietly berates me for being lazy and unmotivated. Even though I know depression is real, I have to remember that I'm still getting through it.  Just because my body is functioning better, doesn't mean my mind is quite there yet.  I guess.   I feel bad that I am just "wasting" time.  I feel like I should be more productive.  I guess I have these unspoken goals for myself every day, and when I don't meet them, they go on the list of things I feel bad about.   But I am lucky.  I have good friends, great actually.  And they are part of the family I choose.  And my fiance is so supportive.  I know I am lucky.  But the clock is ticking in my head - time is going by.  Shouldn't I be better by now?  When I've come out of depression in the past, I've always felt like I wasted so much time sleeping.  I regret the time I can't get back.  And somehow, I'm here again. Someone told me recently they  noticed how I'm very focused on the outcome of things, which makes the here and now of it all less important.  Which accounts for anxiety and my feelings of not being good enough all the time.  I am still getting experience and better at things that take time.  Yet I judge myself for all of it now, rather than seeing how things will change and I should enjoy what I can while I'm going through it.   I don't know.  Everywhere and nowhere all at once.