No one knows..... (wrote this around the end of March)

I wrote this around the end of March and just didn’t post it …. ….    No one knows…. I hide it from everyone...  No one knows the whole story ...  I cried writing most of my journal.....   I was pissed writing most of it,   I was half crazy writing it.. and I usually cant talk to anyone about it…… so I started writing and the words just started flowing..   I can think and actually put my thoughts down... and afterwords I feel better.  I don’t feel so overwhelmed….I don’t feel like pressure in my chest…   I think..I got so used to hiding things, and so used to not saying anything, cause mostly…. I didnt want to piss him off..everytime I would confide in someone and let them know what was going on…he would freak out on me……so I learned to keep it to myself.. to stuff it down deep and to put a smile on my face…   he doesnt know what my journal says.. he would deny it all anyways and somehow…. Someway….he ends up turning it all around to where I am to blame..... which is normal..   Russ is a great guy.. a great friend, he would do anything for anyone….. but he was a asshole for a husband….  I got sick of it… I got to a point… to where I didn’t want to just take it anymore…..it took to much energy, too much out of me…   There are a couple people who know what he has done to me… how he has treated me… not very many…. But a couple.. and even they don’t know it all .. cause I hide it… I put a smile on.. and pretend… it never happened…   No one knows me…  they dont know who I am …   I don’t have a lot of friends… I don’t reach out… to anyone…  I suffered in silence for a long time…  Cause mostly everyone.. knows Russ as the shit… the good guy, the funny guy.. and he has always portrayed me as the bitch.. and u know what … after a while I got tired of fighting that issue, and just didn’t fight it anymore…let people believe it, cause I was sick of fighting it.   He told me all the time.. that his friends, and his friends wives didn’t call us to do anything … to go out or come over.. cause they all hated me and thought I was a bitch… …..   That is partly a reason why I have a hard time talking to women… talking with people… cause what he said to me over and over again.. is always there in the back of my mind…. I am trying to get over that and move on, and trying not to care what people think of me…..   When all I really wanna do .. is stay home and hide.. go back to the place.. where I was before.. and I cant do that… I wont do that  I am sooooo resentful of him, so mad, and seriously the thought and him being nice to me pisses me off...   He is in my face all the time... trying to be affectionate...wanting to be lovey dovey with me.. and it pisses me off..  I want to YELL UR TOO LATE…   I feel like if I let him in again and let that wall down again… I will lose it again.. I will lose me again..... everything I have fought so hard for.....and he will go right back to doing what he was doing..  And I will go right back to taking it… and living it.  And to have to go through this process again would kill me..    How do u get past this stuff?   When it eats u up inside    When its all u think about?    I dont want to be controlled.. I dont want to be his pretty little wife anymore...   I just want me... the old me back..  the one who had friends, who wasnt afraid to talk to people, who went out, who wasnt afraid of what people thought of her, and the person who didnt listen to anyones shit.  He doesnt like me stepping out of their routine and the box he thinks I should be in…  It finally got to the point where I just didnt give a shit anymore what the hell he thought or thinks....   After starting this process and doing what I am doing……  I still cant sleep and still am “numb” Inside…  Will I ever feel again?  Will I ever feel normal?  Will I ever cry again?   But right now I am at the point….. “that I don’t care what he does”   I just don’t… don’t get mad anymore..   Hell....truthfully... I would rather have him gone… than here in this house giving me grief.. or looking at me, watching my every move..   instead of crying and being mad and giving ultimatums…….I just stopped….It was hard.. but I did.. cause I didn’t want to be his mother anymore.. I didn’t want to have to take care of him.. I was exhausted…. emotionally and physically I stopped responding to everything he did or wanted…   I just started caring about ME instead of HIM… and dwelled ON MY problems and not his wants and needs…I didn’t give a fuck anymore what he wanted and needed….   I am also to the point….  Where NOW he IS READY to work on things….  But I am not….   And he is pushing himself on me… to the point I want to run… and the more he pushes me.. the more pissed off I get and feel….  Him trying to be affectionate feels fake to me… it almost feels like I am being violated by someone I don’t know…   I don’t know if I can love him again.. but I know I feel like I am being pressured…. Into it…   I hate it... hate going home… cause he is in MY FACE all damn night.  So where do I go from here?   I dont know...  I ask myself that question every second of everyday... its always there.. it never goes away.. How or what do I do...   It got so bad… that I started having people call me and.. tell me.... HOW WASTED.. Russ was.. to the point he couldnt even walk .. most nights....let alone get in the door, or to the bedroom.   To where they told me they had to walk him home from the bar.. and put his key in the lock, and let him in the house.. to where then he passed out in the entry way…  Asking me what was wrong with him….   I found damage on his truck... where he hit something..... a tree I guess... a $17,000.00 truck that now had damage that we cant turn in.. because he was drunk… and his words” it doesn’t matter, its not a big deal”  Its to the point where our girls don’t/didnt ask where he was anymore... didnt ask to talk to him.. cause he was always gone, or passed out..  they knew to be quiet in the house when he was home, or he would wake up and yell and how the bedroom would stink so bad from him.. cause the alcohol would just come off of him in waves…   so are the girls ok?  hmmm thats a good question.. are they?   or have i ruined them by staying...?  and by putting up with it.. and by fighting in front of them?    I hope to god they are ok.. I would hate myself forever.. if I ruined them .. or ruined their childhood by staying……    am I ok?  no I am not.. really... I admit it.. ..   I am not as strong as I try to make everyone think…  I am broken..  I don’t know which way is up or down.. I don’t know where to go or turn..  Everything I write in my journal the words .. are powerful and throughout all it u can feel what I was going through and what I was feeling....everything in there… is everything I cant say out loud….    thats the real me.   thats the emotion I hide from people ..  that’s the energy, frustration and grief that I try to hide.  I wrote with everything I had in me.. it was my only release.. it still is..   I am getting better.. with some people trying to talk..   I am trying to get better not panicking when i do go out..   Sometimes I freeze.. i dont know what to say.. to people..  I know it seems like I am stuck up and or a bitch.... but its just me panicking.. and freezing up.. and 5 million thoughts and questions running through my mind .  I was soo afraid of letting someone in .. letting them see what was going on..  that I just shut everyone out..  I have done it to most of my friends actually... its the only way I know how to  behave with people..... I am trying to fix that.. trying to branch out a little bit.. little by little..    I am trying with the women/friend issue….  Really really trying.. its hard..its almost harder than dealing with the shit between Russ and I    but.. slowly.. I am getting there…   Its hard jumping the anxiety that has been built for so long… but I get through it.. and once.. I am comfortable with the situation.. I loosen up and have fun…  … Is it working?  Somedays I think so… Somedays not so much…   And… No I am not in a good strong place right now… but I am getting there…  and I am better than what I was…  I am Starting to trust and believe in life again… it’s a freaking process and there are things that try to break u… but I am getting there..  I am trying to fix something that has been broken for a long time… something inside of myself…   am trying… Just trying to keep my head up… above water…