no no no no no

I am going to blow right about now. I cannot contain my feelings/emotions anymore today. Maybe I should have not written what I did yesterday about changing. When I feel the way I do right now, I lose all hope and just don’t care.
This morning I was all ready to start my day. While driving to my 9 hour CPR/AED Professional Rescuer class, Carlos and I decided to see a movie tonight (FINALLY!) and to ask our friends Max & Karen to join. Once I got things set up with Max & Karen, Carlos text me and said he was going to have to work later and we could not do the movie. Great, just super. I then had to tell the Fowle’s that we could not do the movie (after I set it up). I was very upset because whenever we try to see a movie, something happens and we don’t, but I did not voice my frustrations/anger to Carlos. Yet I did cry (#1 to make me freak).
Upon arriving at the CPR class I was very excited to see that it was the same man who taught it last year who was funny and cut straight to the chase. At the end when we have to take the certification test (same as every year) I got anxious. To begin with I was antsy from sitting down for so long and lightheaded from getting up and down so many times practicing. As I took the test (just like with any other test) I freaked…I overanalyzed everything. When done I passed and got certified but was so pissed at myself for getting a few wrong. Upset again (#2 to make me freak).
Joanna has not responded to my email from yesterday. Does that mean that she doesn’t believe me? That she thinks I’m full of crap? That I am just saying this because I feel that’s what I should say? Or if she just wants to wait (which is plain torture) until Monday to see my weight? I fucking hate this shit. And I cried (#3 to make me freak).
While driving a little bit ago one of the lights on my dashboard went on. It was the Emissions Malfunction Indicator light. Just fantastic. I looked things up and realized that in the worst case scenario I would need a new catalytic converter, and for 2000 more miles my car is under warranty for that. Even though that should be a relief, I still cried. (#4 to make me freak).
Yesterday I got really nervous in the afternoon when I weighed in on my gym scale at 99 again. Fuck, how the hell did I go down 2 pounds? DUH I was excited- but then nervous as well. THEN…today I just weighed myself on my scale at home and it said 100.1. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!? My scale is always lower than Jill’s or the Gym’s so that means I AM A FUCKING WHALE! No problem in getting to 100 by fucking Monday. I’ll be at god damn 105 by the time Monday comes. I cannot do this. No mother fucking way (#5 to make freak).
Carlos called me to say hi on the phone and so I swallowed my tears and answered. No matter how hard I try to hide shit he still knows something is not right. We didn’t talk long as I couldn’t talk without being close to bursting into tears. He now text me and said “what’s wrong with you now” I decided to just respond with ‘a bunch of little things- but mainly because xxx with my car went on and I have to take it in now’. His response… ‘Only one little thing and you throw your day away. You need to learn to happy. And it’s getting to the point where it’s making me mad and frustrated.” Do you think I cried? Like no fucking other and I can’t stop. I responded with, “ There were a few other little things that made me freak. I know it makes you mad which is why I try to hide it. You don’t see half the times I cry or get upset because I don’t want to hurt you even more. I don’t want to live like this. I am tired of crying all the time. I don’t want to and every time I do I tell myself that there is nothing to cry about and I’ll get over it. Yet it doesn’t seem to change or make a difference” (#6 to make me freak). I probably shouldn’t have said what is in italic’s. It sounds like one of my sneaky ways to make someone feel bad…but fuck I don’t realize this shit until after I send it. GOD DAMNIT.
I have been crying nonstop for approximately 2 hours. Why do I get upset when something so simple goes wrong? Normal people might get frustrated/a little upset- but I blow it completely out of proportion. WHY!!??!?!?!?!
I want to call/write to my daddy but I don’t want to look needy to him. I feel like Joanna would say that I ran to him for attention because I’m not getting it from the above sources/things listed that made me freak.
 
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?