No new Journal.

I went out and bought a real journal the other day and started to write in it, but I just feel safer and more comfortable writing here, where you all can read and comment and I can save forever. Last night my step mom tried to blame me for something that I didn't do. My dad defended me, She wont even talk to me no one knows why. She says she just doesn't like me and therefore she doesn't want to talk to me. I had to take so much xanax to get to sleep last night and then this morning I woke up hard like with a hang over. I want to annoy her by being at the house all the time and making things difficult for here, but really I want to be around people who care about me and want to be around me. I have no friends here so that leaves me with my mom and dad. My mom wants me to come up for the fourth of July and I think that is what I am going to do, I'll have more fun that way.
 
I have a midterm on Thursday and then I am done for the week. I don't want to take this midterm because it is most of my grade and that really fucking sucks! At lease I should get some good marks in lab because I work hard on my labs there.
 
There is a swimming class here at the school and I don't know if I want to sign up because I am fat. It says it is for all levels of swimmers so there have to be people like me there right? I wish I knew before I sign up.
 
I think that I am going to stick with this type of journal, I just like it better and it seem safer than having a journal laying around. I like the interaction I can get in the support groups ad well.
 
Recently I have been feeling so suicidal. Every day I think about it, all day long. I cant shake it from my head. I don't want to go to the doctor because I think that she might put a 72 hour hold on me and I just can't go into the hospital anymore. Dad wont pay for it and I hate psych units, they're scary. I have to get to class.
 
Goodnight moon!