No More (Warning Graphic)
Rape Never Again:
To this day when it comes to showing full love and being comfortable within my skin with my boyfriend has been very hard. Heres where the most damage was done
I was in a situation where my ex's new sex fling was sending me life threats. She contacted me to stay away from this guy because they where having sex and he was hers. It was valentines day. I confronted him and he confessed to cheating on me with two differnt girls on several different occasons. Why? I don't really care anymore. I just know I was kicked out in the night in a neigborhood I wasn't fimilar with so that he could smoke his weed. Least to say my dad was livid and so was my mom.
The next day the girls threats got so bad that I couldnt even stay home. I went to one of my foster sisters apartment and tried to get relief there. Well on a bitter note we got him fired from his job by altering his company that they needed to do a drug test. He got what was comming. I'm over it pretty much!
While at my sisters I met her boyfriend but also her boyfriends brother. The brother was just comming home from Iraq and my sister was throwing a welcome back party for him. It was the first time I had drank liquor and let me tell you I didnt hold it well. No I never threw up nor had a hangover but I was wasted flipping over my own head backwards. Barely in reality I started crying when the cops came over because I was under the drinking age. The brother took care of me and held me the whole time. When I had soberd up a little bit I was on the bed that my sister put me on and I broke down again to this guy. I'll call him M (for monster). Anyway I broke down to him telling him my life was in danger and the situation I had just gone threw. He just held me through the night. In the morning I broke down again saying he would leave like the rest but he took his dog tags off and put them around my neck and said he would be back for me. I was hooked at this point. Things were good for a while. It was when he had my full trust that he betrayed me in the worst way. Rape, violence, threats, lies!
The first time I saw who he was was at his house. There was a pool table upstairs and three rooms that surrounded the area. He started a conversation with (when are you going to suck my c**k) I told him I wasnt because I didnt know him that well yet. Thats when it became a battle. He struck me down saying and demanding that I would do it at that very moment. I fought as hard as I ever had to and told him no but he did everything from kicking kneeing, twisting my wrists, pulling my hair hard. When he was where he wanted to be he ended up peeing in my mouth and telling me he didnt want to see one drop come out. I spit it out and threw up right there and he got livid! He started beating me with a closed fist on my neck and back of my head saying I'd never disoby him again or it would get worse.
Well it got worse! He ended up using bike chains to hit me and hold my wrists. He'd punch my face and hold the chains in my mouth pushing with both hands while his knee was pushing into my stomach. My lips became numb and my teeth felt like they were breaking. With every thrust I grew weaker and weaker and my body bagan to shut down and become numb. When I had to urinate he forced it out where I lay by pushing hard on my lower abdomen. Then wiped it on my body saying I was a disgrace and it's people like me who make it not worth fighting for this country.
Since I was of legal age I stayed at his house for days because I was too scared to go home. I knew I had not been supported before, so why would I be now? Even though the marks were worse I felt like I could do nothing.
There was a day when I tried to stand up to him. I told him he couldnt do this and he would lose everything but he brought up the one weakness I had. My sister. He tackled me to the ground tore my pants and put his cig. out inside my v-spot the burn was the worst feeling in the worl I lost my breathe and almost fainted. But he said if I did tell anyone that he would make sure his brother broke her heart. That was one thing that I could not mess with. My sister was my world and I couldnt dare mess with her happiness after all she did to help me. The violence became extreem after that when he mixed weapons into his sick obsession. Every time he came at me I fought. Everytime I fought before my body shut down.
He drug his penis balls and ass across my face several times rubbing it in my face. He spit on my face stomp on my ribs while he was standing. Pushed kicked. He'd punch my v-spot straight on so that it felt like every bone down there was broken. He'd laugh and keep repeating (youre a whore, youre a disgrace, your dirty, no ones going to want you dead or alive , etc. it went on) There were times he would cut my skin with anything he had, forks siscors, knives.
The day he left back for Iraq, he had one of his guns all the way in my mouth and his finger heavy on the trigger. My body was cut, bruised, and weak. He said (one move I will blow your brains and keep f**king your dead body until I say I'm completely done and your bodys coverd with your babys c*m you filthy c*nt) .......
By the time he was done I could not even think straight. I couldnt think life I couldnt think death. I was dead and numb.
Once the marks on my body disapeard I started to be okay. But why? Why did I still speak to him on the phone? Fear? Stupidity? He had his plan well covered. He demanded we would write love letters and all of that bs. Yet he honestly had the nerve to say he loved me, he just couldnt control hiself sometimes. So thats what we did so that he could cover his tracks.
I did. His words ate me up and consumed me. I felt like he was right and feared that I was so dirty that no one could ever love me. Not after this. When I did finaly find someone who treated me right I dated him and was happy some what but this guy wasnt over his ex. Sweet guy but just wasnt ready to move on after being cheated on. When "M" found out he told me to break it off with him or my sisters who was engaged at that point would be broken up with nd he would make sure it was misreable. Knowing what he was capable of I refused to let that happen. Unfortunatly the guy and I split on mutual terms.
Soon I found myself on a family va-ca. I got a call from "M" and he told me that I was no longer usful to him because I was too dirty even for him and that no man would ever even look at me again. He made up a story for me to tell people. That he had broken up with me for cheating on the vacation. It was bs. But I went with it hoping he'd never come after me again. He was corupt and ended up marring his BLOOD sister and aparently now he's married to his BLOOD aunt. It's sick. I'm alive and I don't know how.
What I struggle with: Nigth terrors, flashbacks, my relationship, trust, emotions, cleanliness and sex.
I'm still dying inside
To this day when it comes to showing full love and being comfortable within my skin with my boyfriend has been very hard. Heres where the most damage was done
I was in a situation where my ex's new sex fling was sending me life threats. She contacted me to stay away from this guy because they where having sex and he was hers. It was valentines day. I confronted him and he confessed to cheating on me with two differnt girls on several different occasons. Why? I don't really care anymore. I just know I was kicked out in the night in a neigborhood I wasn't fimilar with so that he could smoke his weed. Least to say my dad was livid and so was my mom.
The next day the girls threats got so bad that I couldnt even stay home. I went to one of my foster sisters apartment and tried to get relief there. Well on a bitter note we got him fired from his job by altering his company that they needed to do a drug test. He got what was comming. I'm over it pretty much!
While at my sisters I met her boyfriend but also her boyfriends brother. The brother was just comming home from Iraq and my sister was throwing a welcome back party for him. It was the first time I had drank liquor and let me tell you I didnt hold it well. No I never threw up nor had a hangover but I was wasted flipping over my own head backwards. Barely in reality I started crying when the cops came over because I was under the drinking age. The brother took care of me and held me the whole time. When I had soberd up a little bit I was on the bed that my sister put me on and I broke down again to this guy. I'll call him M (for monster). Anyway I broke down to him telling him my life was in danger and the situation I had just gone threw. He just held me through the night. In the morning I broke down again saying he would leave like the rest but he took his dog tags off and put them around my neck and said he would be back for me. I was hooked at this point. Things were good for a while. It was when he had my full trust that he betrayed me in the worst way. Rape, violence, threats, lies!
The first time I saw who he was was at his house. There was a pool table upstairs and three rooms that surrounded the area. He started a conversation with (when are you going to suck my c**k) I told him I wasnt because I didnt know him that well yet. Thats when it became a battle. He struck me down saying and demanding that I would do it at that very moment. I fought as hard as I ever had to and told him no but he did everything from kicking kneeing, twisting my wrists, pulling my hair hard. When he was where he wanted to be he ended up peeing in my mouth and telling me he didnt want to see one drop come out. I spit it out and threw up right there and he got livid! He started beating me with a closed fist on my neck and back of my head saying I'd never disoby him again or it would get worse.
Well it got worse! He ended up using bike chains to hit me and hold my wrists. He'd punch my face and hold the chains in my mouth pushing with both hands while his knee was pushing into my stomach. My lips became numb and my teeth felt like they were breaking. With every thrust I grew weaker and weaker and my body bagan to shut down and become numb. When I had to urinate he forced it out where I lay by pushing hard on my lower abdomen. Then wiped it on my body saying I was a disgrace and it's people like me who make it not worth fighting for this country.
Since I was of legal age I stayed at his house for days because I was too scared to go home. I knew I had not been supported before, so why would I be now? Even though the marks were worse I felt like I could do nothing.
There was a day when I tried to stand up to him. I told him he couldnt do this and he would lose everything but he brought up the one weakness I had. My sister. He tackled me to the ground tore my pants and put his cig. out inside my v-spot the burn was the worst feeling in the worl I lost my breathe and almost fainted. But he said if I did tell anyone that he would make sure his brother broke her heart. That was one thing that I could not mess with. My sister was my world and I couldnt dare mess with her happiness after all she did to help me. The violence became extreem after that when he mixed weapons into his sick obsession. Every time he came at me I fought. Everytime I fought before my body shut down.
He drug his penis balls and ass across my face several times rubbing it in my face. He spit on my face stomp on my ribs while he was standing. Pushed kicked. He'd punch my v-spot straight on so that it felt like every bone down there was broken. He'd laugh and keep repeating (youre a whore, youre a disgrace, your dirty, no ones going to want you dead or alive , etc. it went on) There were times he would cut my skin with anything he had, forks siscors, knives.
The day he left back for Iraq, he had one of his guns all the way in my mouth and his finger heavy on the trigger. My body was cut, bruised, and weak. He said (one move I will blow your brains and keep f**king your dead body until I say I'm completely done and your bodys coverd with your babys c*m you filthy c*nt) .......
By the time he was done I could not even think straight. I couldnt think life I couldnt think death. I was dead and numb.
Once the marks on my body disapeard I started to be okay. But why? Why did I still speak to him on the phone? Fear? Stupidity? He had his plan well covered. He demanded we would write love letters and all of that bs. Yet he honestly had the nerve to say he loved me, he just couldnt control hiself sometimes. So thats what we did so that he could cover his tracks.
I did. His words ate me up and consumed me. I felt like he was right and feared that I was so dirty that no one could ever love me. Not after this. When I did finaly find someone who treated me right I dated him and was happy some what but this guy wasnt over his ex. Sweet guy but just wasnt ready to move on after being cheated on. When "M" found out he told me to break it off with him or my sisters who was engaged at that point would be broken up with nd he would make sure it was misreable. Knowing what he was capable of I refused to let that happen. Unfortunatly the guy and I split on mutual terms.
Soon I found myself on a family va-ca. I got a call from "M" and he told me that I was no longer usful to him because I was too dirty even for him and that no man would ever even look at me again. He made up a story for me to tell people. That he had broken up with me for cheating on the vacation. It was bs. But I went with it hoping he'd never come after me again. He was corupt and ended up marring his BLOOD sister and aparently now he's married to his BLOOD aunt. It's sick. I'm alive and I don't know how.
What I struggle with: Nigth terrors, flashbacks, my relationship, trust, emotions, cleanliness and sex.
I'm still dying inside
Replies
OH HEAVEN,YOUR STORY WAS SO AWFUL AND UNFAIR.NEVER LISTEN TO A SCUMBAG LIKE THAT.HE WANTS YOU TO FEEL SMALL.THE THINGS HE DID TO YOU SHOULD BE DONE TO HIM X-10.THAT INHUMAN FUCK.HE WAS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.WHO KNOWS WHY.THIS FUCK DESERVES TO HAVE HIS PRIVATES ROPED TO THE BACK OF A PICK-UP TRUCK BUMPER AND BE DRUG FOR SLOWLY FOR MILES AND MILES PRIVATES AND RAGGED SLOWLY TILL HE CAN\'T RUN TO KEEP UP.BUT DON\'T LET HIM DIE .SMASH HIS FACE SO HE IS PERMANENTLY DAMAGED AND BREAK BOTH KNEES SO HE CAN LIVE WITH WHAT HE DID TO YOU BUT HE CAN NEVER HURT ANYONE AGAIN.I HAD TO WRITE THE WAY I FEEL , AND I HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS WITH MALES.HEAVEN ARE YOU SAYING HE GOT AWAY WITH THIS HUNNY??MY FATHER BEAT MY MOM UNTIL SHE WAS JUST A BROKEN ALCOHOLIC , HE BEAT US KIDS AND SOME OF US TURNED TO DRUGS.MY DREAM HAD ALWAYS BEEN TO BEAT HIM TO DEATH.UNFORTIONATELY I DIDN\'T GET BIGGER TILL ,I TOLD HIM ON THE PHONE HE IS LUCKY I DON\'T LIVE CLOSE TO HIM AND THAT HE WASN\'T WORTH MY LIFE TO TAKE HIS.I HAVE BEEN VERY PROTECTIVE OF FEMALES AND KIDS SINCE I WAS 10.YOU WHERE SO HONEST AND I AM BEING HONEST TO.I HAVE A WIFE AND TWO DAUGHTERS.IF ANYONE EVER HURTS THEM,I WILL MAKE HIM WISH HE WASN\'T BORN BEFORE MY LIFE IS OVER.HUNNY THIS GUY WILL CONTINUE TO HURT OTHERS HE NEEDS TO BE IN A BOX 6 FEET IN THE GROUND.I AM 6\' AND WIEGHT 230 POUNDS.I ALSO ATTEND ANGER MANAGEMENT.EVEN THOUGH I THINK IF I GET ANGRY IT\'S FOR THE RIGHT JUSTIFIED REASON.AFTER LIVING IN SUCH A VIOLENT CHILDHOOD.I PROMISED MYSELF NEVER TO MISTREAT KIDS OR WOMEN.I MADE KNOW SUCH PROMISE ABOUT MEN.MY BLOOD BOILS RIGHT NOW.IF I TOLD MY THERAPIST THIS STORY (I WONT) SHE WOULD SAY \" WE ALL HAVE TO LET THE PAST GO \"I WONDER IF SHE COULD LET IT GO SO EASY.HEAVEN , PLEASE DON\'T LET THIS BASTARD THAT DID THESE HORRIBLE THINGS TO YOU DESTROY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.I WAS BORN IN NYC AND ALWAYS WAS TAUGHT TO BE CAREFUL WHO YOU LET INTO YOUR LIFE.I SO TRULY WISH I WAS THERE TO PROTECT YOU BUT YOU PROBABLY WOULDN\'T HAVE UNDERSTOOD.THE ONE REASON I TRY TO KEEP GOING TO THE GYM A TIME OR TWO A WEEK IS SO THAT IF TROUBLE, LIKE THE VIOLENCE YOU WENT THROUGH EFFECTS SOMEONE I LOVE.I WILL BE ABLE TO DO THE JOB I THINK GOD PUT ME HERE FOR BECAUSE AFTER THAT ALL GLOVES ARE OFF AND I DON\'T CARE.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND SMART BUT TRY TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE.YOU CAN NEVER TELL A BOOK BY IT\'S COVER OR PEOPLE BY THERE WORDS.BELIEVE ME ,I\'M NOT PERFECT.AS A MATTER OF FACT I\' M ANGRY THAT THE MEN WHO HURT ME GOT AWAY WITH IT AND DIED OR GOT TO OLD FOR ME TO GET MY REVENGE.BUT THAT\'S ME.I WANT TO THINK OF YOU SMILING IN THE SUNSHINE.
I WISH I COULD HAVE PROTECTED YOU .I JUST DON\'T UNDERSTAND WHY THINGS HAPPEN.I JUST KNOW YOU HAVE TO TRY TO ENJOY THE PRESENT AND BE CAREFUL.I HOPE YOU ARE ABLE TO HEAL A LITTLE FROM THE INSIDE OUT.YOUR SO YOUNG,THERE ARE SOME GOOD THINGS IN LIFE.THEY ARE JUST HARD TO FIND (GENTLE HUGS).
HEAVEN EXCUSE MY WRITING MISTAKES , I CAN\'T CONCENTRATE WHEN MY EMMOTIONS GET GOING. BE SAFE DEAR GIRL.
Sweetie this is such a horrifying and sad story. I\'m so sorry you had to go through so much torture! You are not dirty you are a beautiful young woman and deserve to be treated like an angel. It\'s not your fault that ANY of this happened hun. You can\'t expect something like that to happen and when you feel completely helpless and scared and you don\'t know what to do...you can\'t change it when it\'s happening. You are not to blame! Always remember that. I know it\'s really really hard, damn near close to impossible, but try to keep saying it when you start to think that it\'s your fault. People like him should be locked up in a room forever and tortured the entire time! You are such a sweet girl and one day the pain will lessen and you will be able to try and work on feeling better about yourself and life. Stand up tall pretty girl and love yourself! I\'m here for you when you want to talk. ~Ashley
22 and you have gone through unfathomable things in your life. You are so young and to many encounters with evil has seem to come into your life. None of these times were ever your fault. Demons who live among us take advantage of those who are the most innocent of them all. They try to break spirits and take your soul. Don\'t let them win! Don\'t let them take your dreams. This one thing is yours and is untouchable.
You are a very strong woman, because you have had to learn it. You are deserving of Love like no other. The suffering will always haunt you, I know. I commend you for being able to share your story. Now you need to help others to be aware, those who maybe in harms danger like you were. Be a beacon of light and hope.
I\'m sorry all of this happened to you. You deserved none of it! Don\'t listen to his lies. They are as much a part of his abuse against you as everything else he did. I\'m praying for God to heal you from all of this and to bless you.
Heaven ~ I am concerned if this guy is still in your life. If your sister is engaged to his brother.. then is he still a threat to you? You must say away from him at all costs. If his brother truly loves your sister then this guy should not be able to have influence on his brother\'s choice of your sister for a wife. If he were able to sway your sister\'s fiance away then the love he feels for her is not true anyways. You wouldn\'t want your sister marrying someone who is that easily persuaded against her would you? If he calls you - Hang up immediately! If he emails you - block him. Anyone who has ever gone through the type of experience that you have ( remember our talk?) Knows that the physical stuff heals. It is the verbal and mental abuse that stays in the back of your head. Understand this: You don\'t have to OWN what he has said to you. Those are his SICK thoughts. Just bec he said them means nothing. DON\'T accept them as part of your identity. YOU didn\'t say them. You don\'t HAVE to claim them. Just don\'t repeat YOUR mistake of letting him manipulate you again! You weren\'t thinking clearly then. This is NOW. Listen to this song and consider it instead (and if you see me on Chat even if it reads \"busy\" cut in & talk to me AGAIN - OK?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLPC_Cs4Gtk&feature=related
NDY
Good job sharing with us. Thanks for talking about it. I\'m so proud of you. Knowing that you have night terrors and trust issues etc... is amazing progress. Try not to rush ahead too fast. Look how far you\'ve come already!