No More (Warning Graphic)
Rape Never Again:
To this day when it comes to showing full love and being comfortable within my skin with my boyfriend has been very hard. Heres where the most damage was done
I was in a situation where my ex's new sex fling was sending me life threats. She contacted me to stay away from this guy because they where having sex and he was hers. It was valentines day. I confronted him and he confessed to cheating on me with two differnt girls on several different occasons. Why? I don't really care anymore. I just know I was kicked out in the night in a neigborhood I wasn't fimilar with so that he could smoke his weed. Least to say my dad was livid and so was my mom.
The next day the girls threats got so bad that I couldnt even stay home. I went to one of my foster sisters apartment and tried to get relief there. Well on a bitter note we got him fired from his job by altering his company that they needed to do a drug test. He got what was comming. I'm over it pretty much!
While at my sisters I met her boyfriend but also her boyfriends brother. The brother was just comming home from Iraq and my sister was throwing a welcome back party for him. It was the first time I had drank liquor and let me tell you I didnt hold it well. No I never threw up nor had a hangover but I was wasted flipping over my own head backwards. Barely in reality I started crying when the cops came over because I was under the drinking age. The brother took care of me and held me the whole time. When I had soberd up a little bit I was on the bed that my sister put me on and I broke down again to this guy. I'll call him M (for monster). Anyway I broke down to him telling him my life was in danger and the situation I had just gone threw. He just held me through the night. In the morning I broke down again saying he would leave like the rest but he took his dog tags off and put them around my neck and said he would be back for me. I was hooked at this point. Things were good for a while. It was when he had my full trust that he betrayed me in the worst way. Rape, violence, threats, lies!
The first time I saw who he was was at his house. There was a pool table upstairs and three rooms that surrounded the area. He started a conversation with (when are you going to suck my c**k) I told him I wasnt because I didnt know him that well yet. Thats when it became a battle. He struck me down saying and demanding that I would do it at that very moment. I fought as hard as I ever had to and told him no but he did everything from kicking kneeing, twisting my wrists, pulling my hair hard. When he was where he wanted to be he ended up peeing in my mouth and telling me he didnt want to see one drop come out. I spit it out and threw up right there and he got livid! He started beating me with a closed fist on my neck and back of my head saying I'd never disoby him again or it would get worse.
Well it got worse! He ended up using bike chains to hit me and hold my wrists. He'd punch my face and hold the chains in my mouth pushing with both hands while his knee was pushing into my stomach. My lips became numb and my teeth felt like they were breaking. With every thrust I grew weaker and weaker and my body bagan to shut down and become numb. When I had to urinate he forced it out where I lay by pushing hard on my lower abdomen. Then wiped it on my body saying I was a disgrace and it's people like me who make it not worth fighting for this country.
Since I was of legal age I stayed at his house for days because I was too scared to go home. I knew I had not been supported before, so why would I be now? Even though the marks were worse I felt like I could do nothing.
There was a day when I tried to stand up to him. I told him he couldnt do this and he would lose everything but he brought up the one weakness I had. My sister. He tackled me to the ground tore my pants and put his cig. out inside my v-spot the burn was the worst feeling in the worl I lost my breathe and almost fainted. But he said if I did tell anyone that he would make sure his brother broke her heart. That was one thing that I could not mess with. My sister was my world and I couldnt dare mess with her happiness after all she did to help me. The violence became extreem after that when he mixed weapons into his sick obsession. Every time he came at me I fought. Everytime I fought before my body shut down.
He drug his penis balls and ass across my face several times rubbing it in my face. He spit on my face stomp on my ribs while he was standing. Pushed kicked. He'd punch my v-spot straight on so that it felt like every bone down there was broken. He'd laugh and keep repeating (youre a whore, youre a disgrace, your dirty, no ones going to want you dead or alive , etc. it went on) There were times he would cut my skin with anything he had, forks siscors, knives.
The day he left back for Iraq, he had one of his guns all the way in my mouth and his finger heavy on the trigger. My body was cut, bruised, and weak. He said (one move I will blow your brains and keep f**king your dead body until I say I'm completely done and your bodys coverd with your babys c*m you filthy c*nt) .......
By the time he was done I could not even think straight. I couldnt think life I couldnt think death. I was dead and numb.
Once the marks on my body disapeard I started to be okay. But why? Why did I still speak to him on the phone? Fear? Stupidity? He had his plan well covered. He demanded we would write love letters and all of that bs. Yet he honestly had the nerve to say he loved me, he just couldnt control hiself sometimes. So thats what we did so that he could cover his tracks.
I did. His words ate me up and consumed me. I felt like he was right and feared that I was so dirty that no one could ever love me. Not after this. When I did finaly find someone who treated me right I dated him and was happy some what but this guy wasnt over his ex. Sweet guy but just wasnt ready to move on after being cheated on. When "M" found out he told me to break it off with him or my sisters who was engaged at that point would be broken up with nd he would make sure it was misreable. Knowing what he was capable of I refused to let that happen. Unfortunatly the guy and I split on mutual terms.
Soon I found myself on a family va-ca. I got a call from "M" and he told me that I was no longer usful to him because I was too dirty even for him and that no man would ever even look at me again. He made up a story for me to tell people. That he had broken up with me for cheating on the vacation. It was bs. But I went with it hoping he'd never come after me again. He was corupt and ended up marring his BLOOD sister and aparently now he's married to his BLOOD aunt. It's sick. I'm alive and I don't know how.
What I struggle with: Nigth terrors, flashbacks, my relationship, trust, emotions, cleanliness and sex.
I'm still dying inside
To this day when it comes to showing full love and being comfortable within my skin with my boyfriend has been very hard. Heres where the most damage was done
I was in a situation where my ex's new sex fling was sending me life threats. She contacted me to stay away from this guy because they where having sex and he was hers. It was valentines day. I confronted him and he confessed to cheating on me with two differnt girls on several different occasons. Why? I don't really care anymore. I just know I was kicked out in the night in a neigborhood I wasn't fimilar with so that he could smoke his weed. Least to say my dad was livid and so was my mom.
The next day the girls threats got so bad that I couldnt even stay home. I went to one of my foster sisters apartment and tried to get relief there. Well on a bitter note we got him fired from his job by altering his company that they needed to do a drug test. He got what was comming. I'm over it pretty much!
While at my sisters I met her boyfriend but also her boyfriends brother. The brother was just comming home from Iraq and my sister was throwing a welcome back party for him. It was the first time I had drank liquor and let me tell you I didnt hold it well. No I never threw up nor had a hangover but I was wasted flipping over my own head backwards. Barely in reality I started crying when the cops came over because I was under the drinking age. The brother took care of me and held me the whole time. When I had soberd up a little bit I was on the bed that my sister put me on and I broke down again to this guy. I'll call him M (for monster). Anyway I broke down to him telling him my life was in danger and the situation I had just gone threw. He just held me through the night. In the morning I broke down again saying he would leave like the rest but he took his dog tags off and put them around my neck and said he would be back for me. I was hooked at this point. Things were good for a while. It was when he had my full trust that he betrayed me in the worst way. Rape, violence, threats, lies!
The first time I saw who he was was at his house. There was a pool table upstairs and three rooms that surrounded the area. He started a conversation with (when are you going to suck my c**k) I told him I wasnt because I didnt know him that well yet. Thats when it became a battle. He struck me down saying and demanding that I would do it at that very moment. I fought as hard as I ever had to and told him no but he did everything from kicking kneeing, twisting my wrists, pulling my hair hard. When he was where he wanted to be he ended up peeing in my mouth and telling me he didnt want to see one drop come out. I spit it out and threw up right there and he got livid! He started beating me with a closed fist on my neck and back of my head saying I'd never disoby him again or it would get worse.
Well it got worse! He ended up using bike chains to hit me and hold my wrists. He'd punch my face and hold the chains in my mouth pushing with both hands while his knee was pushing into my stomach. My lips became numb and my teeth felt like they were breaking. With every thrust I grew weaker and weaker and my body bagan to shut down and become numb. When I had to urinate he forced it out where I lay by pushing hard on my lower abdomen. Then wiped it on my body saying I was a disgrace and it's people like me who make it not worth fighting for this country.
Since I was of legal age I stayed at his house for days because I was too scared to go home. I knew I had not been supported before, so why would I be now? Even though the marks were worse I felt like I could do nothing.
There was a day when I tried to stand up to him. I told him he couldnt do this and he would lose everything but he brought up the one weakness I had. My sister. He tackled me to the ground tore my pants and put his cig. out inside my v-spot the burn was the worst feeling in the worl I lost my breathe and almost fainted. But he said if I did tell anyone that he would make sure his brother broke her heart. That was one thing that I could not mess with. My sister was my world and I couldnt dare mess with her happiness after all she did to help me. The violence became extreem after that when he mixed weapons into his sick obsession. Every time he came at me I fought. Everytime I fought before my body shut down.
He drug his penis balls and ass across my face several times rubbing it in my face. He spit on my face stomp on my ribs while he was standing. Pushed kicked. He'd punch my v-spot straight on so that it felt like every bone down there was broken. He'd laugh and keep repeating (youre a whore, youre a disgrace, your dirty, no ones going to want you dead or alive , etc. it went on) There were times he would cut my skin with anything he had, forks siscors, knives.
The day he left back for Iraq, he had one of his guns all the way in my mouth and his finger heavy on the trigger. My body was cut, bruised, and weak. He said (one move I will blow your brains and keep f**king your dead body until I say I'm completely done and your bodys coverd with your babys c*m you filthy c*nt) .......
By the time he was done I could not even think straight. I couldnt think life I couldnt think death. I was dead and numb.
Once the marks on my body disapeard I started to be okay. But why? Why did I still speak to him on the phone? Fear? Stupidity? He had his plan well covered. He demanded we would write love letters and all of that bs. Yet he honestly had the nerve to say he loved me, he just couldnt control hiself sometimes. So thats what we did so that he could cover his tracks.
I did. His words ate me up and consumed me. I felt like he was right and feared that I was so dirty that no one could ever love me. Not after this. When I did finaly find someone who treated me right I dated him and was happy some what but this guy wasnt over his ex. Sweet guy but just wasnt ready to move on after being cheated on. When "M" found out he told me to break it off with him or my sisters who was engaged at that point would be broken up with nd he would make sure it was misreable. Knowing what he was capable of I refused to let that happen. Unfortunatly the guy and I split on mutual terms.
Soon I found myself on a family va-ca. I got a call from "M" and he told me that I was no longer usful to him because I was too dirty even for him and that no man would ever even look at me again. He made up a story for me to tell people. That he had broken up with me for cheating on the vacation. It was bs. But I went with it hoping he'd never come after me again. He was corupt and ended up marring his BLOOD sister and aparently now he's married to his BLOOD aunt. It's sick. I'm alive and I don't know how.
What I struggle with: Nigth terrors, flashbacks, my relationship, trust, emotions, cleanliness and sex.
I'm still dying inside
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