No Longer a Slave
I caught myself having several "pity pooh" parties last week. I was feeling sorry for myself, wanting attention, why did this wreck happen to me, why did I have to experience the serverity of rheumatoid arthritis, why was I born to abusive parents, why molestation, why do I experience not having enough money...woe is me BIG TIME. I let it be in my meditation and I just obsereved it. During this observation, I thought of the Isralites and what some of them experienced after they were freed and were no longer slaves. Some of them were angry when they were in the wilderness because they had to hunt there own food, build a place to live in, etc. In other words there freedom meant be responsible for themselves. BUT, SOME OF THEM WANTED TO GO BACK TO WHERE THINGS WERE "KNOWN"...A place to live, three meals a day and NO responsbility or accountability for themselves. Even though they were slaves, at least they knew the routine...Thirty-two yrs. on this Spiritual Journey and I caught myself wanting to go back...go back to "what I knew." even if that place was filled with abuse and pain...I didn't want to be accountable and responsible for things right now. But, an epiphany came as I thought of the pain rom RA that laid me flat for five years and gifted me with the opportunity begin the path of "feeling my feelings." The deep connection I made with Spirit because I had no choice but to turn INWARD...couldn't do anything outward.I thought of the deep forgiveness I have found for myself..in turn, have been able to forgive others. I thought of how my connection with my children has gone full circle. I thought of the 97cards I received after my wreck; the help from people, etc.
I find it odd how I still wanted to get caught up in this "woe is me" when blessing after blessing has been bestowed upon me...Maybe I will never forget the pain of my past. Maybe I will remember my parents were filled with pain and were slaves themselves and could never be free...Maybe I will forgive my step-brother because he was given up by his biological parents and lived with severe pain despite the fact that he was so intelligent and so good looking...
Maybe I needed to visit my past this past week and see how far I have come from being a slave...I don't know why I went back there for a bit, but I did...Maybe I will look deep and relish some of the good memories that were made...there were good memories.
I have no idea what I have shared...but I truly am grateful for remembering to turn within every day and become still and listen to that "still small voice" that has gifted me with so many healings.
Hugszzzz, Vicki
I find it odd how I still wanted to get caught up in this "woe is me" when blessing after blessing has been bestowed upon me...Maybe I will never forget the pain of my past. Maybe I will remember my parents were filled with pain and were slaves themselves and could never be free...Maybe I will forgive my step-brother because he was given up by his biological parents and lived with severe pain despite the fact that he was so intelligent and so good looking...
Maybe I needed to visit my past this past week and see how far I have come from being a slave...I don't know why I went back there for a bit, but I did...Maybe I will look deep and relish some of the good memories that were made...there were good memories.
I have no idea what I have shared...but I truly am grateful for remembering to turn within every day and become still and listen to that "still small voice" that has gifted me with so many healings.
Hugszzzz, Vicki
Replies
Vicki it is hard isn\'t it? Therapist say abuse victims often never leave the place of abuse because it is familiar to them. I\'ve stayed far too close to my family for 36 years....it\'s only in the last 2 years I\'ve fought harder to put up fences between us emotionally. The familiar is somehow comforting, especially when making a go of it ourselves is so much hard work.
I love the example you gave.....and it\'s very true.
I guess it\'s important to recognise \'all\' of the needs we have and understand them. It\'s important to recognise the \'patterns\' of thought we need to break.
Love and support xxxx
I think of that saying: \"Better the Devil you ken than the Devil you don\'t.\" That\'s been a driving force in much of my life.
Ironically, I just set up a \"DS Goal\" -- on following through with a Goal (LOL) -- which is all about personal responsibility for me.
I like this line a lot (it really speaks to me): \"Maybe I needed to visit my past this past week and see how far I have come from being a slave...\"
And so \"we celebrate our successes, we learn from our failures, and move on.\" I put that in quotes because it was exactly what I was thinking, but then realized it is an affirmation from a book (Louise Hay?) that I\'ve written on my wall (yep, you read that right -- my walls have affirmations written all over them from books I liked !) ....
And so, moving out of the familiar and into the unknown, to quote Helen Keller: \"Life is a daring adventure or nothing.\"
I\'m learning to dare. Slowly. And forgiveness is a big part of daring, to me. Daring to let go of those who have defined me, who represent part of who I am.
I hope you\'re continuing to mend and feel better each day?
((Hugs))
All, who court awareness, are learning--both survivors and otherwise.
And contrast is helper to awareness. There are times I must be in darkness to see the light. Pity parties are on that learning curve showing, as you\'ve said, how far you\'ve come in your healing.
The challenge for me when I fall into dysfunctional thought-behaviors is to make a choice. Where will I focus my attention? Acknowledge the dysfunction and switch focus; move on--as you have.
It\'s the paradox of moving while standing still that grows me. What grows you?
Be well. Good holidays. Fast mending.
xx
SizA66: I think allowing myself to \"feel\" has been one of the most painful yet healing things I have done for myself. I\'ve pretty much come to believe everything is a paradox.
One of the other things that was major in my healing was \"killing\" my parents. Killing everything they taught and told me; then, raising myself. Over the past years, I have spent hours with \"Little Vicki\" validating her, forgiving her,supporting her, nurturing her, allowing her to speak out and feel, etc. I sat with her daily; I cried with her I have held her, I let her be vulnerable and supported her, I was always there for her. Always! I still am. However, she doesn\'t need me as much now because she has pretty much become an adult.
The first half of my Spiritual Journey I spent unlearning e\'thing I had been taught my whole life; the second half, I have been putting my new belief\'s into practice..
Me, too.
Suz
You are a blessing. You remind me of what to do next. Take responsibility for myself; act, don\'t just \"think\" and \"feel\".
Hugzzz...