no idea what to do
Yesterday:
What the hell do I want to do in life? I want to work in the health field- health promotion/community health/health education- promotes health awareness and healthy living. But how do I get there? I looked into graduate programs around here but my GPA isn’t good enough. And I would need to take the GRE. Which I have the feeling is not meant to be because last time I studied and signed up for it I had a severe kidney infection and could not move for over a week and was at the hospital. Or what if I become a personal trainer? But that’s not a career. Maybe social work? All I know is that I don’t like what I am doing right now. Though I would like to find a career with the degree I have and not have to get another. But I seem to be failing pretty miserably in that regard.
Today before session with Joanna:
My plan of action is:
1) Finish my coaching certifications and continue current jobs and suck it up.
2) Find a different PT job and work on studying to become a personal trainer.
3) Apply and find grad school for MSW, health promotion or dietetics.
I have been completely obsessed with looking up jobs and determining what career I want and grad school. My mind bounces all over and it’s challenging to keep it in one place. I will start off researching jobs for now, and then go to researching and writing things for crew, then what career I want, then personal trainer certification information, then looking at potential houses and apartments, then grad schools then different grad programs and on and on and on.
After session with Joanna:
I explained all of the above to Joanna and said how frustrated, confused, upset I was regarding all this. How I am not good enough for any of these jobs. Now this is all I can focus on. She asked me why I think I can only think about having a career in the health field, I said because that’s all I ever think about is health, food, weight, exercise etc. I was about to say that I have always wanted to be in the health field so it didn’t correlate with my ED…..but then as I was starting to say that I stopped and said ‘well shit…I didn’t start thinking of what I wanted to do until I was in high school which is when my eating disorder started.” FUCK. So we kept talking about the subject and she challenged me to think of what I would enjoy or like to do because many of the things that I say I want to do or should do are not realistic. A) I would have to go back to school which I cannot afford right now, I need to make $$ so that’s not an option, B) the health jobs I mention are one’s that are not good for me with what I am going through, so that is not an option, C) the things that I say I should do/accomplish/succeed in/etc are because I don’t want to disappoint or be looked down upon. I feel as though I should have a high paying high power job. Otherwise I will be failing my parents.
I told her I couldn’t come up with anything else that I would be interested in. No idea. So she finally mentioned some things. Animals. My ability to do 500 things at once and be successful. Joanna said that maybe I could combine the two and find something that I am good at and enjoy. I then realized that on Friday after our really hard session I had emailed her back (she emailed in regards to scheduling) that after walking Charlie (one of my pups) I was in a much better mood! So she said I would probably be really good at having my own business- like my own dog walking business. I was very adamant about saying that having that would not be good enough and that it is not a career etc. She kept reminding me that it is what makes me happy, not just something that is going to make big bucks or meet someone else’s standards. But because meeting my parent’s standards is so engrained in my head, it’s difficult to see what I want, what I am good at and what I would be happy doing.
As we went on some things came into my mind and afterwards I continued to write things down….
What I CAN NOT do:
1) Dietetics
2) Health promotion
3) Social work
4) Personal trainer
Things I LIKE doing and am GOOD at:
1) Animals (dog walking, pet stores, vet tech)
2) Own my own business (dog walking, pet store, doggie day care)
3) Detail oriented, ability to multi task
4) Organize
5) Being on the go
6) Coaching
7) Cooking/cleaning/baking/housework
DO NOT like and DO NOT want to do
1) Nursing
2) Assisted Living Facility
3) Desk Job/sitting all day
I want something that will allow me to be flexible so that I can coach and be a mom. I don’t want to be tied-down. My number one goal is to be a wonderful mother.
I just got off the phone talking to Alyssa (my sister). As we have continued to talk over the past weeks while our parents are gone, I have realized how similar we are. We are both afraid to disappoint our mother... Alyssa sounded very down and had not called me for a few days so I asked her what was going on. She said she has been in a really bad mood because her grades aren’t good enough. She isn’t getting all A’s. German is much harder than she thought and she wants to take it pass/fail now, but is too afraid of what mom will think. Charlie (her boyfriend) barely has to study while Alyssa studies nonstop and he gets really good grades, this upsets her. She said she has lied about her grades to mom and tells mom that they are higher. For example she got an 80 on a test at the beginning of this semester and mom got mad, then Alyssa went back at her to defend herself and it got out of control. Alyssa says that she tells mom every grade she gets, and if she doesn’t mom gets mad. I want to help Alyssa. I don’t want her to keep going like this. Mom doesn’t need to know everything. I want her to know that she does not have to be perfect. She said she feelings guilty that she is going for a career that she wants and does not feel like she will live up to mom’s expectations. I don’t want her to end up like me.
What the hell do I want to do in life? I want to work in the health field- health promotion/community health/health education- promotes health awareness and healthy living. But how do I get there? I looked into graduate programs around here but my GPA isn’t good enough. And I would need to take the GRE. Which I have the feeling is not meant to be because last time I studied and signed up for it I had a severe kidney infection and could not move for over a week and was at the hospital. Or what if I become a personal trainer? But that’s not a career. Maybe social work? All I know is that I don’t like what I am doing right now. Though I would like to find a career with the degree I have and not have to get another. But I seem to be failing pretty miserably in that regard.
Today before session with Joanna:
My plan of action is:
1) Finish my coaching certifications and continue current jobs and suck it up.
2) Find a different PT job and work on studying to become a personal trainer.
3) Apply and find grad school for MSW, health promotion or dietetics.
I have been completely obsessed with looking up jobs and determining what career I want and grad school. My mind bounces all over and it’s challenging to keep it in one place. I will start off researching jobs for now, and then go to researching and writing things for crew, then what career I want, then personal trainer certification information, then looking at potential houses and apartments, then grad schools then different grad programs and on and on and on.
After session with Joanna:
I explained all of the above to Joanna and said how frustrated, confused, upset I was regarding all this. How I am not good enough for any of these jobs. Now this is all I can focus on. She asked me why I think I can only think about having a career in the health field, I said because that’s all I ever think about is health, food, weight, exercise etc. I was about to say that I have always wanted to be in the health field so it didn’t correlate with my ED…..but then as I was starting to say that I stopped and said ‘well shit…I didn’t start thinking of what I wanted to do until I was in high school which is when my eating disorder started.” FUCK. So we kept talking about the subject and she challenged me to think of what I would enjoy or like to do because many of the things that I say I want to do or should do are not realistic. A) I would have to go back to school which I cannot afford right now, I need to make $$ so that’s not an option, B) the health jobs I mention are one’s that are not good for me with what I am going through, so that is not an option, C) the things that I say I should do/accomplish/succeed in/etc are because I don’t want to disappoint or be looked down upon. I feel as though I should have a high paying high power job. Otherwise I will be failing my parents.
I told her I couldn’t come up with anything else that I would be interested in. No idea. So she finally mentioned some things. Animals. My ability to do 500 things at once and be successful. Joanna said that maybe I could combine the two and find something that I am good at and enjoy. I then realized that on Friday after our really hard session I had emailed her back (she emailed in regards to scheduling) that after walking Charlie (one of my pups) I was in a much better mood! So she said I would probably be really good at having my own business- like my own dog walking business. I was very adamant about saying that having that would not be good enough and that it is not a career etc. She kept reminding me that it is what makes me happy, not just something that is going to make big bucks or meet someone else’s standards. But because meeting my parent’s standards is so engrained in my head, it’s difficult to see what I want, what I am good at and what I would be happy doing.
As we went on some things came into my mind and afterwards I continued to write things down….
What I CAN NOT do:
1) Dietetics
2) Health promotion
3) Social work
4) Personal trainer
Things I LIKE doing and am GOOD at:
1) Animals (dog walking, pet stores, vet tech)
2) Own my own business (dog walking, pet store, doggie day care)
3) Detail oriented, ability to multi task
4) Organize
5) Being on the go
6) Coaching
7) Cooking/cleaning/baking/housework
DO NOT like and DO NOT want to do
1) Nursing
2) Assisted Living Facility
3) Desk Job/sitting all day
I want something that will allow me to be flexible so that I can coach and be a mom. I don’t want to be tied-down. My number one goal is to be a wonderful mother.
I just got off the phone talking to Alyssa (my sister). As we have continued to talk over the past weeks while our parents are gone, I have realized how similar we are. We are both afraid to disappoint our mother... Alyssa sounded very down and had not called me for a few days so I asked her what was going on. She said she has been in a really bad mood because her grades aren’t good enough. She isn’t getting all A’s. German is much harder than she thought and she wants to take it pass/fail now, but is too afraid of what mom will think. Charlie (her boyfriend) barely has to study while Alyssa studies nonstop and he gets really good grades, this upsets her. She said she has lied about her grades to mom and tells mom that they are higher. For example she got an 80 on a test at the beginning of this semester and mom got mad, then Alyssa went back at her to defend herself and it got out of control. Alyssa says that she tells mom every grade she gets, and if she doesn’t mom gets mad. I want to help Alyssa. I don’t want her to keep going like this. Mom doesn’t need to know everything. I want her to know that she does not have to be perfect. She said she feelings guilty that she is going for a career that she wants and does not feel like she will live up to mom’s expectations. I don’t want her to end up like me.
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