No Going Back
I've been through so much with my father. He was abusive when I was growing up. Not to me, but my mother, grandmothers, all where physically abused by him. He even threatened to kill my husband. Yet, I stuck by him. Knowing that he had a mental illness not his fault, I stuck by him. I've given him thousands of dollars. I've taken care of him when he was sick. I even moved in with him to make sure he was okay. I've stuck by him even when he called my relatives and told them lies about me. I stuck by him.
So, how do you know when there is no going back? That no matter how hard it is to move forward, you have no choice and you know it. Well, I'm at that point now.
All because he finally found something that made me walk away--he grabbed me. He cursed me out. And yes that was bad and still I was willing to stick by him because he's almost 86 and because he has a mental condition and because yes, I love him and because he has no one else. But here's the thing. A day after he became physically abusive with me. He called my relatives and told them that I was the one who had attacked him.
Yes. My daddy. The one I've stuck by, threw me to the wolves like I was nothing. And still I wanted to go back and take care of him and make sure he's okay. but not this time. Because no matter how many times I've forgiven him and gone back. I can't this time. I know because I tried. I went to God. I prayed. I asked for more strength so I could go back. But I can't get the image of me being abused. I saw my mother being hit by him. I saw him take a gun to my grandmother's head and do the same thing to my mother. He's admitted to hitting his mother. But in all those years he had one rule and that is never to touch me. Yes, he'd say things that were hurtful and evil and somehow I could put that behind me and keep going forward. He never used profanity either. Not even with my mother. But now that's all changed. All changed.
So, I sit here knowing that there is no going back. Because I can't. It's not in my heart. Now there is a closed door that I can't open. I know. I've tried. I've tried so hard that I could just scream. Because I want to forgive him. Need to forgive him.
But this time it's just too much. I'm numb with pain. But there's no going back.
So, how do you know when there is no going back? That no matter how hard it is to move forward, you have no choice and you know it. Well, I'm at that point now.
All because he finally found something that made me walk away--he grabbed me. He cursed me out. And yes that was bad and still I was willing to stick by him because he's almost 86 and because he has a mental condition and because yes, I love him and because he has no one else. But here's the thing. A day after he became physically abusive with me. He called my relatives and told them that I was the one who had attacked him.
Yes. My daddy. The one I've stuck by, threw me to the wolves like I was nothing. And still I wanted to go back and take care of him and make sure he's okay. but not this time. Because no matter how many times I've forgiven him and gone back. I can't this time. I know because I tried. I went to God. I prayed. I asked for more strength so I could go back. But I can't get the image of me being abused. I saw my mother being hit by him. I saw him take a gun to my grandmother's head and do the same thing to my mother. He's admitted to hitting his mother. But in all those years he had one rule and that is never to touch me. Yes, he'd say things that were hurtful and evil and somehow I could put that behind me and keep going forward. He never used profanity either. Not even with my mother. But now that's all changed. All changed.
So, I sit here knowing that there is no going back. Because I can't. It's not in my heart. Now there is a closed door that I can't open. I know. I've tried. I've tried so hard that I could just scream. Because I want to forgive him. Need to forgive him.
But this time it's just too much. I'm numb with pain. But there's no going back.
Replies
There is no going back. He grabbed you and that is the final straw. He broke the one rule that is not to touch you. He did it despite his mental illness. You stood behind him where other people would have given up especially with all the lies about you. Do your relatives believe him when he lies to them? Do your relatives believe you? Who do they believe? If they believe him, then they are not good relatives to have in your life either. You are doing the right thing. All the best as I could not have done it at all from Diane