No Cruise
No cruise for me...much to my mother and sister's disappointment, it just wasn't meant to be. As the time got closer, the days ticked by onward to our departure date, both my husband and myself felt our anxiety building to the point of near insanity. We just couldn't imagine being apart for that long, I felt terrorized by the thought of being away from my home, my dogs and husband, my doctor...my husband was making it worse by breaking down before my eyes. Fortunately a good friend of my sister was able to step in and take my place so at least my ticket would not be wasted.
It's sad to miss out, but I am in no place mentally and emotionally to be there. I know mothers several years ahead of me tell me, "It's okay, you are doing the best you can." But it is over 2years now, and it still hurts like hell.
I miss shopping. Shopping isn't shopping without Cassi. We used to spend hours at Books-A-Million drinking coffee drinks and picking out stacks of books I knew I couldn't afford but did anyway. Later, when she was older we had fun at Sephora, getting lost in all the make-up, leaving with bags of goodies. Shopping for clothes was not fun at all however, we usually ended up arguing with her getting her way in the end and just getting clearance tee shirts from Hot Topix, all black.
I was watching an old episode of the Walking Dead that I missed the first time. Morgan is "captured by a psychologist who, in time, teaches him martial arts as well as the precious value of all life. At one point he is explaining PTSD. He said once one experiences something so traumatic he can't accept it, he/she puts it behind a door in his subconscious mind. He knows it's there, and he knows what' behind it, but he can't help opening it again and again, hoping it will b different, but I never is. So, when he tires of the tragedy, he decides to just sit in the door. I feel like I am sitting in that door. I have had many ups and downs in the past 2 years. This is different. I am tired of trying to open the door and find some sunshine and just being terrorized all over again. So I sit in the door, staring into the shadows smelling of sickly sweet funeral flowers. I am scared to try again. I am scared to move away from the door, to get my hopes up.
I wish I could just ask her if it was worth it...if she could have just held on for one more day...maybe it would have been a good day.
I am still not getting e-mails when others post journals, not ignoring them, just wanted everyone to know.
It's sad to miss out, but I am in no place mentally and emotionally to be there. I know mothers several years ahead of me tell me, "It's okay, you are doing the best you can." But it is over 2years now, and it still hurts like hell.
I miss shopping. Shopping isn't shopping without Cassi. We used to spend hours at Books-A-Million drinking coffee drinks and picking out stacks of books I knew I couldn't afford but did anyway. Later, when she was older we had fun at Sephora, getting lost in all the make-up, leaving with bags of goodies. Shopping for clothes was not fun at all however, we usually ended up arguing with her getting her way in the end and just getting clearance tee shirts from Hot Topix, all black.
I was watching an old episode of the Walking Dead that I missed the first time. Morgan is "captured by a psychologist who, in time, teaches him martial arts as well as the precious value of all life. At one point he is explaining PTSD. He said once one experiences something so traumatic he can't accept it, he/she puts it behind a door in his subconscious mind. He knows it's there, and he knows what' behind it, but he can't help opening it again and again, hoping it will b different, but I never is. So, when he tires of the tragedy, he decides to just sit in the door. I feel like I am sitting in that door. I have had many ups and downs in the past 2 years. This is different. I am tired of trying to open the door and find some sunshine and just being terrorized all over again. So I sit in the door, staring into the shadows smelling of sickly sweet funeral flowers. I am scared to try again. I am scared to move away from the door, to get my hopes up.
I wish I could just ask her if it was worth it...if she could have just held on for one more day...maybe it would have been a good day.
I am still not getting e-mails when others post journals, not ignoring them, just wanted everyone to know.
Replies
(((HUGS)))
Understand how it feels to have plans, yet the anxiety of leaving our safe place is overwhelming. Thinking of you and your sweet Cassie.
Gentle hugs, Debbie
I am so sorry you were unable to go on the cruise. However I can understand the fear of being separated from your husband and all that is familiar.
Wishing you peace.
Love and tight hugs, M
totally understand... I\'m not sure your mom and sister will be we do... sigh... love ya!
Hugs. You can only do what you feel comfortable with. Some do not understand but we do. So sorry you had to miss the cruise.
You must do what is right and comfortable for you. Sorry you had to miss the cruise, but I am sure there will be more opportunities in the future. This journey we are on is not an easy one. Love, Katrina
It\'s been over 2 years for me, too, Gina, & you\'re right- it still hurts like hell...
Hugs,
Donna
I\'m so sorry. I pray for your continued comfort. Much love. Robin
I love you, and I\'m so very sorry for your pain. I pray Peace finds you in that doorway, and Strength and Courage enable you to venture just one step into the sunshine at a time.
I am so sorry the cruise didn\'t work out. You are doing the best you can and that is all you can do. I wouldn\'t have wanted to leave my husband either. It\'s bad enough when he has to travel for work. Tight hugs.
This society seems to have a time limit on grieving but I don\'t think it works that way when it is someone we love so dearly and so much. Two years is a short time to grieve for our children who we have had in our lives so many more years than that. I will always miss my son, it is less intense now but I will always miss him. Anxiety seems to be a component of grief and is hard to overcome - at least it is hard at times for me, now that I know how much our lives can be destroyed by grief. I do know I would not have wanted to go on a cruise two years after my son had died.
Sending love,
Leda
Actually, it was so very courageous of you to hope that you could go, make some plans around it and then have the deep knowing that it was not what what would be best for you. All of those moving parts takes such energy to discern and you are listening to your inner voice and taking care of yourself.
There will be other opportunities along the way and I know that I have said this to you before that quite truthfully, much of my first three years was a blur and still is. I only have touch points along the way that I can remember as I think my entire system knew that I had to take it down to the very basics and trust that I was following what was most healing for me.
Gentle care and I was wondering so am grateful to know what you decided, Gina.
With SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
Gina,
Sit in the door but realize that you do have a little ray of sunshine, you have your safe place, your husband! I totally understand not wanting to leave your comfort zone right now when you are so uncomfortable. At two years I felt that I needed to get back into living and I tried and even fooled myself into believing that I was, for a while. There is no time limit on grieving over a lost child, so often it feels like taking one step forward and two steps back but know this, you are still stepping! I see that in the fact that you made plans and actually tried to go on the cruise and one day maybe you and your husband can take one together. Don\'t push yourself, not only did you lose your daughter Cassi but you also lost your best friend. Allow yourself the time that you need, it also sounds like your husband needs you just as much right now, I believe that you are where you need to be. You are finding comfort in your husband, your home and your dear furbabies, that is a big step in itself! Do not allow others to question yourself on your progress only your heart can set the pace. No matter how many times we open that door it won\'t change the fact that we were forced upon this damned journey that none of us wanted, but please believe that one day a little ray of sunshine will find you, I believe that it already has, sometimes it is just so hard to see thru the pain but you will, I know it! Big gentle hugs, dear Gina.....Kathy
I am sad you are not going on a cruise. Your hubby and yourself should plan a cruise, start small. I leave everything behind when I cruise. No one knows me or knows my grief. If I met someone and become friends I will share depending on my vibe I get. I can pretend anything do anything it is all about me and my escape from the real world.
As soon as YOU feel comfortable book your own vacation try to enjoy it. This is a goal for you and hubby. I do hope it will work for you. My hubby and I have a cruise booked for the 1st week of Nov. I am looking forward to it. Now that the retreat is in Oct. I will have back to back vacations.
Sending tight hugs to you
Penny
Gina
You will have the opportunity to go on a cruise someday, when you are ready. My precious son Michael has been gone almost 4.5yrs and I still find it hard to be in a setting where there are lots of people and lots of laughter. I have my days still that I just sleep on my days off from work just because I am feeling down. I am just coming out of that down that I was in for a few weeks. Expect the ups and downs. Try not to be hard on yourself. You will not always feel this way. My heart goes out to you for I remember, at least I think I remember my first 2.yrs were excruciating pain but know I am able to feel some joy.
I wish I could hug you.
Laura