no contact
No contact is a gift I am going to give myself from here on in. Its gonna be my merry christmas, happy birthday to me. I let WAY too many people drain my energy and it stops now. There's this dude that I went on 1 date with a long time ago. He fucking tricked me to driving and hour to bethel to see his bum ass. Before we even saw each other he was texting me pictures of his cocknballs. That's right- his cocknballs. I don't know why I let that happen- but that's in the past. Every once and a while he texts me some lovey dovey shit like- hey sweety what's up or hey beautiful- bullshit. When we met he couldn't be bothered to come to middletown to see me. Once or twice he did come there to pick up something for work and called me while he was on his way. Like I should just drop everything for his dumb ass. Fuck him. Yuck. He was unattractive, racist, small penis, lives in god's country, takes my energy and the only thing he ever did for me was buy me a salad at a fucking diner after he duped me into driving a whole fucking hour to see him. Wow. After seeing that written out- fuck him. He texted me yesterday and I didn't respond. I don't like him and I don't care to have him in my life. He uses me to feel a little high every once and a while and then forgets all about me. He's a fucking loser. But I felt bad. Not anymore. He doesn't deserve to speak to me. He doesn't deserve to be a part of my life. I'm a good person. I deserve good things. I'm gonna delete him from my bb list.
Fuck it. No more contact w assholes from here on out.
I deserve better.
Fuck it. No more contact w assholes from here on out.
I deserve better.
Replies
I was happy last night. I went to a meeting- which is a hard thing for me to do- so I was really proud of myself. So my ma comes home and I am excited to tell her- like a child. I guess on some level I still want her approval. And she says to me \"that\'s great- so maybe you can let it go now.\" She was drinking of course- I didn\'t notice that when I fist came downstairs to talk to her. And that is something she\'s said my whole fuicking life- every time I read a self help book or talked to a friend or therapist about a problem. She would always talk to me later and say things like \"did ... Give you some tips on how to cope with that?\". Like she\'s saying- \"there\'s a way to fix your life- and your too stupid to figure it out so that\'s why you struggle.\". Its really hurtful. My dad does the same shit. Both of them just look at me like all of my emotions are a figment of my imagination.
I am disappointed 9 out of 10 times when I speak to her about problems and emotions. She\'ll sit there and blankly stare at me like I\'m speaking a foreign language. My father used to do the blank stare- but he just didn\'t give a shit and didn\'t want to be bothered. My ma tries to help and just makes it worse 9 out of 10 times. We used to be best friends me and my ma. Then she hooked up w her ex husband, went into a deep depression when he wouldn\'t leave his current wife for her, and now she drinks every night bc she can\'t handle reality. It breaks my heart. On a daily basis it breaks my heart. But that\'s just her. I have to accept that.
I had a potential DWI client come in last week. He wanted to hire me- I think I fucked up the intake interview. He hasn\'t called. I went off about how I would go to trial if he wanted. I said \"I will stand in front of that jury and lose if that\'s what you tell me to do.\" That\'s not something you say to a potential client. He was supposed to call me monday with the money and he didn\'t. I forgive myself. If I don\'t get this client its because I\'m not meant to have him.
Journaling is the shit! I woke up feeling broken and depressed and now I feel 100% better. Hate, anger, negative energy- its all poison. If someone told you thanbt you ingested poison- you\'d try to get it out asap. You\'d get your stomach pumped. Its the same with emotion. It all makes sense when you get it out of you.
Unfortunately I have to add my ma to the no contact list. During the week from now on I\'m not going to speak to her about my life. She doesn\'t mean to- but she knocks me down every time and it takes way to long to get back up again.
I think I know why I\'m scared of success and happiness. My father always used to say to me \"when your on top the world goes out of their way to knock you down and when you\'re down the world does everything they can to pick you up- its just human nature\". He equated success w money- the way he saw it there were 2 types of people in this world- the ones that have money and the ones that don\'t. The ones that have money are happy, successful, and wouldn\'t cross the street to help someone bc they don\'t need to- they\'re rich. They are thin and beautiful and all is well in their lives- but they\'re also horrible people who screw everyone around them. He had a sick version of the rich. I\'m never going to be what he described. I have to let his opinion of me go. There are great people who have money. Money doesn\'t change people.
I have to say yes to my life. Whether or not its ideal that I have this issue w going to work everyday- I have it. That\'s just me right now. All of the energy that I take wishing I didn\'t have this problem takes away from my ability to see it for what it is and where it comes from and eventually change it. I accept that its hard for me to go to work everyday. Procrastination is a big problem of mine. I accept that. I still have a lot of good- but that\'s one of my issues and that\'s okay. Why is procrastination so alluring? Something to think about.
The previous comment was supposed to be a journal entry for 12/1/11. Thank you Blackberry :)