no better

If anything I feel worse today. I wish I could pull off a long, hard, screaming cry, but I don't have it in me. I did take my anger and frustration on a cardboard carton--stabbed it over and over. It helped a little. Punched my pillow...

Sometimes the places my mind goes lately worry me. Like the ever-present "it's a good thing I don't have a gun...". Driving home from the kids the other day, speeding down the highway, thinking if there was a good place I could just floor it and drive off the road. Wondering last night if there was a place in my apt. I could hang myself. Looking at the pills in the cabinet...

Mentally composing suicide notes. One to him, one to my family. One to the world--stupid people--don't think your cheating online doesn't hurt anyone!!! It does, oh god it does!! It tears at me, stabs at my chest, knots my stomach. You may have thought you were just playing around in some fantasy game, but you hurt a real, live person, who loved you dearly. Who was happy in the life we had, in the love we had. Who misses you so much she can barely think straight from the pain. Who is now questioning if she even wants to live anymore. This was someone you loved--maybe even still loved. Why would you want to hurt me so much? Was it worth it to you? Was she really worth it?

Trying to get through another night alone. Binge watching tv, running from place to place online, trying to find answers, solace, comfort. Breaking down in tears in the supermarket, in the dog run, driving down the street. Trying to push memories from my mind--memories that were once precious to me. Panicking when I find a picture of you I forgot to delete from my tablet. Having a breakdown over a pair of ratty slippers of yours I found under the bed. Living in sheer hell. Was it worth it to you? Was she worth it?