night out and no tears til I got home

I went out tonight with my best friend who I haven't seen in ages as she lives about 4 hours drive from me so we had a girly night out. I have been out a few times since Matt died, his memorial night,  his friends wedding and my own friends birthday but every time I have been out I've ended up running away to the toilet at some point and sobbing just hiding in a corner somewhere to cry. Nothing tonight. I did get very close when the song 'love reality hurts without you' came on but I fought off the tears. Im now sat in bed after my night out feelings really guilty that I didn't cry and I am crying now. I hope he doesn't think I've forgotten him because he was on my mind all night. I cant even look at another man coz the only man I want is him. Any man that approaches me gets a look of death off me. I know he'd probably be made up I've finally gone out and enjoyed myself with no emotional breakdowns so why do I feel so guilty for just going out with my friends ans not crying for once? My head is so screwed up! I just want him back!