Nickolus\'s Birthday

It's been two years since I gave birth to the most wonderful little boy.. Everything seems so surreal to me right now. I was at my best friends house the other day. I've been friends with her since I was like 4 or 5... I was sitting there reflecting on how shitty my life is and asked her how in the hell did I get here? I'm stuck in such an awful place right now. Nickolus's birthday, what happened with Michael.. it just makes me want to say forget everything and just numb my pain with whatever I can find. And then I have Jaycie, who is so happy and so dependent on me and I have to keep going for her when all I want is for life to just stop for a minute so I can catch my breath. My friend told me how strong I am and that she doesn't know anyone else that could deal with all this like I have but I'm not. I want to break so badly right now and I just don't understand why everything is going the way it is. I just want life to be enjoyable again and it's not.