Stayed up a bit too late last night on the computer. they are really strange divices and are amzing the changes that they creat in your life. They can be good, or they can be a headack. I find them good because they keep my mind ocupied, and I don't sit around just thinking negative about my life. As far as the content of what I do on them, doesn't necessarily have a lot of importance. I journal, go on D.S. and try to be involved, I read the paper, and I can look up anything that seems of interest to me. It is a way for me to have contact with others in a way that I find better than actual meetings that I have gone to. I haven't been that interested in meetings lately. I find they can be frustrating, and just don't have a lot of impact on me. I'm not against meetings. They can be of much help in recovery, as it gets you out of the house, and around real people. The part I find where I lose interest is, I think I just want more out of them. You get up and go to one, that last about an hour. Sometimes people say hello, and sometimes they might not. You talk in the discusion meetings, at first they can seem great, but the tpoics can become far too repetitive. First step, powerlessness, gratitude, higher power, are some of the usual topics. It starts to get a litle robotic to me after awhile. Your not supposed to cross talk, so each person just says what they want. a lot of it can have nothing at all to do with recovery, and I have often come out of the meeting still feeling lonlely, or frustrated because the problems that I may have mentioned are just my own talking of them. I often think there should be some feedback allowed. If someone is really going through something, or you hear something that tells you the person is of track, it frustrates me that your not supposed to say anything. And always as soon as the meeting finishes, everyone disapears so fast. Someone could be feeling terible about something, but it's like, "Oh well, hope you feel better later. Gotta go. Have a nice day." I do like seeing familiar faces tho. The smiles can be good, and the hand shakes are nice. i wish there were groups where people really get involved with each other, and sincerly try to help. often people are just too wrapped up in their own problems, or lives that they don't have time to sincerly care. Perhaps one day that will happen. I would love to try and start a group like that. I think it would be great for recovery groups to be more like a family, and care for one another in that way. After all, I believe that it's love that we all need. When we have that we can overcome so much. Love is really the only cure for anything. I believe that God, foremost is love. with God in our lives we can learn to be loving towards others. Our nature is basically selfishness on our own. With God, and putting him first we are able to be more loving towards others. We can reflect Gods love that he gives us towards others, and overcome the selfishness that hurts us so much. I started doing a study again that I started years ago when I first came to D.S. Just going back to it made me feel so good. I know that having a relationship with God is just so right. Every time I wonder away from God, all the emotions I don't like come back. Depression, fear, anger, resentments...and on and on. With God I don't have those things. I feel good. I have peace, joy, happiness and eventually contentment. The course I'm doing is called setting the captives free. They have a few differant courses, but the one I'm doing is called, "New Wine." It has to do with addictions, and developing a relationship with God. It's easy, and takes about sixty days. One lesson a day. Their short, but very affective and direct, and it does work when you fully apply what it teaches to your daily life. anyway, I'm spending too much time here. I have to go and do some work. Thank you, Lord for this day, and for knowing you. Well, I'm back from work, and I still have some stuff I want to journal about. It was a nice night out yesterday, and the guys downstairs were out front just shooting the shit, so I thought I would join them. They were having some beers, but that didn't bother me. I found that being with them for a little while actually reminds me of why I don't want to drink. I just sat listening to them, and it just seemed fucked up. All three were on differant mind sets, and none seemed to be hearing the other. Scot was talking of his birthday comming up. He was saying that he was renting a bar or something for a party. He was saying the Mayor was comming to make a speech, and there would be a band there. I had to bite my tongue because I wanted to laugh. Scot is always talking as if he has all these important things going on. Bussiness deals, apointments with famous people, and blah, blah, blah. All his talking is all about him. Anytime anyone else starts to talk about something, he redirects the conversation back on him. I think he is just a nut living in fantasy land. He's a drunk and pot head. He doesn't have anything, lives in a room, but boy does he try to create something differant about himself. He does seem to be a nice person tho. Just off in space. Then there was Dan talking about how he's getting so depressed because he needs to get caught up on his taxes or something. He makes me laugh. talks all about how he wants to get his life together. Get a job, a nicer apartment, get his taxes straightened out, go to treatment, but as soon as he gets a few bucks, first thing he does is buy drugs. Then there's Carlo's who just doesn't seem to give a shit about nothing. just likes to work, give his wife some money, and then blows the rest on dope. all three were talking on differant wave lengths, but none was really interested in anything anyone was saying. i sat there for about five minutes, and that was enough. I tried talking a few times, but they don't even listen to you. That was enough for me. I came back to my apartment, and was very relieved. I just can't handle that kind of nonsense talk. It's just drinking talk that doesn't mean a thing. I'de rather be inside my place with my cats. God, I couldn't imagine living like that every day. I would go nuts. I know they are sick people, and I do feel for them, but I just can't be around that type of thing. It's really just nothingness. No meaning to it, no careing, no nothing. Just drinking, and talking about nothing, and then the next day do it all over again. Yuck! What a no life. I really don't consider myself to have much, but the little peace of mind that I find is worth gold to me. This other stupid person came around last night just after twelve or so. I was sitting at the computer and heard this bang on my window. I didn't know what it was, but it startled me. I just thought it must have been the cats or something. A couple seconds later I heard another bang on the window, so I looked out. I thought it might be that crazy person that tried stealing my money, but it was this other crack head that I tried helping awhile back. She was on the road waving to me. what a stupid fucking jerk I thought. I just closed the blinds and ignored her. God, can these people ever be fucked up. No more trying to help those kind. They are nothing but trouble. They only have one purpose, and that's to get high any way they can. I remember I met this one in A.A. and I felt sorry for her. She seemed to have some mental problems, but she was trying to get sober, so I wanted to help her. One time I seen her on King St, and she was in really bad shape from using. She wanted to go to the hospital. We were pretty far away from the hospital, but I put her on my back and carried her there. She's small and doesn't weigh much(Thank God), but it was pretty hard carrying her there. I was trying to practise program at the time. I've learned since then that it's better if I just stay away from them. Sooner or later they end up causing trouble for me, and I just don't want that. They just are on a totally differant mind set, and it's not for me. I can get myself into enough shit on my own, and I don't need help from others doing that. I find they can really mess up my peace of mind. I got a new lock today for my door. Bob has come in here a few times without asking, or giving notice, and I don't like that, and with the recent troubles I've had with goof balls, I'll feel a lot better with a new lock. Oh well, just a part of life. actually everything is pretty good. I've got work that couldn't be better, for now, I'm pretty happy with things. I've got a really neat person to talk to every night and morning. Someone that I can care for and love. That's a really good thing.Without love in my life, I really don't like it. I still wish I could be with the person, but sometimes things just have to be the way they are. Someday I hope. i also have two of the best cats in the world. They are just full of love, and they make me happy. Thank you, God. Thank you so much.