Niacin
I tried to reach out to some friends today and I was unsuccessful. That is why I don't do it. I do so many things for these people and they don't even have the heart to be with me. One friend said she was sick and can't even see me, but she keeps going to work. There is not time for her to even talk to me. Another good friend since 3rd grade, we were planning a road trip for the weekend and we had thought of all kinds of places to go, but then we decided to go to our home town, Crested Butte. Her parents still have their home there so we'd stay there. But, later in the day she told me that she was bringing another friend of her's, someone she rarely knows through work. Then she tells me that she is going on her schedule, meaning to say that I can either follow her schedule or not. I don't know what happened. She even made it sound initially that it was just for the two of us and that she had big news to tell me. Now I am not going to go anywhere with her. I am sad and upset. I don't want to do this. I don't want to admit that I have no friends. I have stronger relationships with the people that I meet at school than the individuals I have known for fifteen years. Who do I talk to? who do I trust? It is really sad that I can't talk to anyone. I have friend to contact a psychologist and that is not working either. We can't find a time and date that works for the both of us.
I want to go to Crested Butte. But, I wanted to go because Rachael WANTED to go with me not to just add another friend into the mix as she always does. It seems to me that when she does that she is saying that she doesn't/can't be alone with me. Feels uncomfortable. But, when she needs a favor or help with something her schedule just seems to open up and everything seem to work fine. I don't know what to do. Do I just cut her out like I did a while ago?
My suicidal thoughts are not getting worse but they are getting more vivid. I am having daydreams and visions of what I would do or what I would wright in a suicide note. I know that I want to contact someone in dailystrength and see if there is a way to print all of my journal entries at once and in an organized way. That way i can leave something for my family that i have progressively added to since 2007 when my illness came into play in my life. I still can't remember how I found DS, but I am glad that I did. I told my mother about my suicidal ideology last night and she has been leaving me notes and texts about life and controlling what happens in it. I don't think that they are helping because I don't believe in them.
I think some of this might be because I am taking large amounts of niacin which can flush out essential mood stabilizers and a-typical antipsychotics. I think that once I stop tomorrow I won't have as many issues with it, but that's only a theory, which will be proven by Friday. Friday is when I get all kinds of health things done to me by the University Hospital in preparation for volunteering. I am pretty excited for all of that... the volunteering that is. I am going to do the drug test tonight because the niacin is killing me and I need to stop taking it. I have to go for the night.
Goodnight moon.
I want to go to Crested Butte. But, I wanted to go because Rachael WANTED to go with me not to just add another friend into the mix as she always does. It seems to me that when she does that she is saying that she doesn't/can't be alone with me. Feels uncomfortable. But, when she needs a favor or help with something her schedule just seems to open up and everything seem to work fine. I don't know what to do. Do I just cut her out like I did a while ago?
My suicidal thoughts are not getting worse but they are getting more vivid. I am having daydreams and visions of what I would do or what I would wright in a suicide note. I know that I want to contact someone in dailystrength and see if there is a way to print all of my journal entries at once and in an organized way. That way i can leave something for my family that i have progressively added to since 2007 when my illness came into play in my life. I still can't remember how I found DS, but I am glad that I did. I told my mother about my suicidal ideology last night and she has been leaving me notes and texts about life and controlling what happens in it. I don't think that they are helping because I don't believe in them.
I think some of this might be because I am taking large amounts of niacin which can flush out essential mood stabilizers and a-typical antipsychotics. I think that once I stop tomorrow I won't have as many issues with it, but that's only a theory, which will be proven by Friday. Friday is when I get all kinds of health things done to me by the University Hospital in preparation for volunteering. I am pretty excited for all of that... the volunteering that is. I am going to do the drug test tonight because the niacin is killing me and I need to stop taking it. I have to go for the night.
Goodnight moon.
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