Next visit to the gender specialist
Well, the VA has proven it's a typical government organization. Over a month ago, they told the gender specialist I was approved for four more visits - but, they failed to tell ME so I could schedule them. They put a deadline of 5/09/2012 on getting in those visits. How did I find out? The specialist emailed me to ask if I was going to come back, and told me I was approved for that many more visits.
I immediately scheduled a visit for the only day remaining in the deadline when she could see me. So, Tuesday the 8th, I go in to Charlotte NC to see her. Maybe she can convince them to permit me another three visits this month to make up for the ones lost due to their failure to notify me.
Either that, or maybe she'll go ahead and write up those papers I need.....
Meanwhile, I'm spending days getting needed dental work done - thanks to my Mom. Some of this stuff has been put off for over 10 years - because it cost too much for me to get it done. She insisted on paying for it all, a gift I never expected or asked for. I'm very, very grateful to her for all of this - almost $10,000.00 worth of dental work. She's set up to make payments on it for a very long time - unless I manage to come up with money to pay it off myself before she gets it taken care of. She said, "Joe, you've needed this done for far too long. I care about your health - and your teeth are part of that. I'll pay for what you need done at the dentist - just GO get it done! It's important. Plus, your teeth are part of how you look - go get them fixed so you can look and feel your best as you start this new phase of your life."
A few months of that, and I gave in. So, I spent all day today in the dentist's chair, and again tomorrow, and more probably next week, and again in two weeks after that, and again two weeks after THAT. Crowns, bridge, cap, fillings,... not sure what else the dentist found to fix. By the time it's all done, my teeth will likely have cost more than I can sell my mobile home for. It's been years since I could smile and show my teeth; I usually don't - and rarely smile in public because of it. I guess it's worth all of this to be able to laugh and smile with confidence - and no longer have a gap from a missing molar or teeth that periodically hurt or simply look ugly. I no longer need to hide, or neglect myself.
I just wish it didn't cost so much - and that I could pay for it all on my own. But then, if I could have done that, I never would have let things get this bad.
It occurs to me that the reason I NEVER liked getting my photo taken was simply because the photos always showed me as female - which I NEVER felt was correct - I never felt like the image in the photo was really ME. I also never spent time preening in front of a mirror - same reason - and never cared to do anything about my appearance because it was wasted effort on a shell that wasn't me. That doesn't mean I didn't know how to improve my appearance - I applied just enough make-up the first time I tried, so I looked really good - not like a clown or a "street-walker" as my mother would say. But it felt like wearing an itchy mask every time, no matter which type of make-up I tried. I hated it, so I rarely ever wore it. Haven't tried to wear it in decades, except for very rare outings where I had to appear as female for formal dress events - oh, maybe three times in the past 30 years. Hated every second of it.
I've given my female clothing away - shoes, dresses, skirts, blouses, handbags,... all of it practically new, barely worn at all - most to a close friend, the rest to GoodWill or the like. I never wore much jewelery, so there's little of that to get rid of - none of it expensive. I'm buying men's clothing at yardsales, GoodWill, Salvation Army, places like that - so it looks broken-in, not new; to give the look that I've been wearing it all along. You see, if everything you own looks brand new, it gives the impression you just fell out of the sky - no past, as it were. If, on the other hand, your clothing looks a little worn - just enough to be comfortable - then it shows a past history. Even second-hand, a lot of the clothing still looks new, and it all looks darn good. Plus, you can't beat the price. On my budget (almost zilch), that's important. I never was a style-hound. Who cares if it's a year out of date? Or ten? It fits, it's comfortable, and I'm covered. Bonus - I like the colors and materials. I did splurge and make payments on a really nice suit - my Christmas to myself last year - with shoes, shirt, tie, socks, and even a hat. Forgot to get a belt. I'll get a belt this month. I figure every guy needs one nice suit, for those occasions when he needs to dress up. Even had it tailored. Can you say I look goood in that suit? Heheh.
I got a hair cutting set - clipper with combs for ten lengths, scissors, etc. - and a beard/moustache trimmer set (my non-T beard is over two inches long now), so I can touch-up my appearance myself and look really spiffy. So, yes, I am taking greater interest in my looks these days. The more male I look, the more I catch myself preening. Vanity backlash! I'm actually enjoying what I see in the mirror these days.... except for the excess fat, the (albeit smaller) breasts and my teeth(soon to be fixed).
There are good days and bad days - but more good days than bad now. Finally. I feel less depressed more of the time than ever before. I'm free.
An aside - I came out to my dentist - he's done work on my teeth since I was 21 - and told him I'm transgender today. His response? "As long as you're happy, that's the important thing - so, good for you, Joe!"
Liberating.
I immediately scheduled a visit for the only day remaining in the deadline when she could see me. So, Tuesday the 8th, I go in to Charlotte NC to see her. Maybe she can convince them to permit me another three visits this month to make up for the ones lost due to their failure to notify me.
Either that, or maybe she'll go ahead and write up those papers I need.....
Meanwhile, I'm spending days getting needed dental work done - thanks to my Mom. Some of this stuff has been put off for over 10 years - because it cost too much for me to get it done. She insisted on paying for it all, a gift I never expected or asked for. I'm very, very grateful to her for all of this - almost $10,000.00 worth of dental work. She's set up to make payments on it for a very long time - unless I manage to come up with money to pay it off myself before she gets it taken care of. She said, "Joe, you've needed this done for far too long. I care about your health - and your teeth are part of that. I'll pay for what you need done at the dentist - just GO get it done! It's important. Plus, your teeth are part of how you look - go get them fixed so you can look and feel your best as you start this new phase of your life."
A few months of that, and I gave in. So, I spent all day today in the dentist's chair, and again tomorrow, and more probably next week, and again in two weeks after that, and again two weeks after THAT. Crowns, bridge, cap, fillings,... not sure what else the dentist found to fix. By the time it's all done, my teeth will likely have cost more than I can sell my mobile home for. It's been years since I could smile and show my teeth; I usually don't - and rarely smile in public because of it. I guess it's worth all of this to be able to laugh and smile with confidence - and no longer have a gap from a missing molar or teeth that periodically hurt or simply look ugly. I no longer need to hide, or neglect myself.
I just wish it didn't cost so much - and that I could pay for it all on my own. But then, if I could have done that, I never would have let things get this bad.
It occurs to me that the reason I NEVER liked getting my photo taken was simply because the photos always showed me as female - which I NEVER felt was correct - I never felt like the image in the photo was really ME. I also never spent time preening in front of a mirror - same reason - and never cared to do anything about my appearance because it was wasted effort on a shell that wasn't me. That doesn't mean I didn't know how to improve my appearance - I applied just enough make-up the first time I tried, so I looked really good - not like a clown or a "street-walker" as my mother would say. But it felt like wearing an itchy mask every time, no matter which type of make-up I tried. I hated it, so I rarely ever wore it. Haven't tried to wear it in decades, except for very rare outings where I had to appear as female for formal dress events - oh, maybe three times in the past 30 years. Hated every second of it.
I've given my female clothing away - shoes, dresses, skirts, blouses, handbags,... all of it practically new, barely worn at all - most to a close friend, the rest to GoodWill or the like. I never wore much jewelery, so there's little of that to get rid of - none of it expensive. I'm buying men's clothing at yardsales, GoodWill, Salvation Army, places like that - so it looks broken-in, not new; to give the look that I've been wearing it all along. You see, if everything you own looks brand new, it gives the impression you just fell out of the sky - no past, as it were. If, on the other hand, your clothing looks a little worn - just enough to be comfortable - then it shows a past history. Even second-hand, a lot of the clothing still looks new, and it all looks darn good. Plus, you can't beat the price. On my budget (almost zilch), that's important. I never was a style-hound. Who cares if it's a year out of date? Or ten? It fits, it's comfortable, and I'm covered. Bonus - I like the colors and materials. I did splurge and make payments on a really nice suit - my Christmas to myself last year - with shoes, shirt, tie, socks, and even a hat. Forgot to get a belt. I'll get a belt this month. I figure every guy needs one nice suit, for those occasions when he needs to dress up. Even had it tailored. Can you say I look goood in that suit? Heheh.
I got a hair cutting set - clipper with combs for ten lengths, scissors, etc. - and a beard/moustache trimmer set (my non-T beard is over two inches long now), so I can touch-up my appearance myself and look really spiffy. So, yes, I am taking greater interest in my looks these days. The more male I look, the more I catch myself preening. Vanity backlash! I'm actually enjoying what I see in the mirror these days.... except for the excess fat, the (albeit smaller) breasts and my teeth(soon to be fixed).
There are good days and bad days - but more good days than bad now. Finally. I feel less depressed more of the time than ever before. I'm free.
An aside - I came out to my dentist - he's done work on my teeth since I was 21 - and told him I'm transgender today. His response? "As long as you're happy, that's the important thing - so, good for you, Joe!"
Liberating.
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