New Year

I'm 12 hours and 19 minutes in, and it hasn't gone well. And I was asleep for some of that! I came down this morning and wished mum happy new year, she didn't reply but said the dog needed to go out. I let him out and came back and cheerfully said where does she want the new calendars to go, she claimed to have already told me, but I was patient and asked for a reminder, she didn't reply. Then specifically as I took one old calendar down 'which one is to go here', but now it's 'I don't mind any of them.'

I went for a dog walk after that, now I know it's the fact that a week ago at Christmas I was taking antidepressants and the prescription has run out and I've chosen not to renew but last week I felt like things were just been bottled up, I'm a dad who can't see his children and I didn't cry but today on the walk it was like a dam had burst so I think I made the right call not to continue with them. Tears are a release. 

I came back having remembered dad at a favourite spot - it seems off limits to talk about dad which perhaps helps mum but not me - and there was a film about to start, I thought it looked good and sat down but mum turned off the volume and changed channel without saying anything. I know I could say that I want to watch it but last time I tried watching something on the tv she wasn't keen on she kept asking when it would finish and her whole body language made it unpleasant.

She then dozed off and soon I thought I would go and cook a nice meal for lunchtime. I was pleased with how it turned out but not the company! Mum came and looked at it and said not too much of that. I served her half of what I had but as soon as I took it in it was that's too much. I said leave what she didn't want but she said my tone was aggressive. I ended up walking away for a few minutes but she didn't seem bothered and was just picking at the meal. I apologised, but I did say that I thought all she could do was criticise, she then said it looked very nice but I knew she was thinking it wasn't, as she carried on picking at it. She then said she was going to kill herself and I didn't handle it well and said get in the queue as I've nothing to live for. At least, I said, she could see her child. She then tried to have a go at my wife, and I stopped the conversation there. Stony silence for a while, I tried some conciliatory conversation but it didn't go anywhere.

I've now washed up, dried up, and come into the lounge, she's fast asleep, and I'm writing this. 2021 may improve, I have a lot more unknowns about it, but the one known I have is come the 15th January the court will grant my wife a divorce. So the one date and fact I can be certain of in 2021 is one that breaks my heart every time I think of it. At the start of 2020 I knew that much of it would be in prison but that all being well I would see people again, ok I only saw my wife for an hour last year and that was to hear of a divorce, but I still love her, and I didn't see the children at all, I saw my dad for an hour last January and he was dead by June, I knew I'd see mum then after that, on her own but I wish he was still here, neither of us are flourishing with each others company, and as I said yesterday this is my shelter but it can never be my home. There is virtually no community here that I can connect with, the neighbours hate me and make that very clear, so I know I need to leave, but for her own wellbeing mum needs to stay and I can't leave her on her own. 

Please God give me healing in 2021