New Year

It's now 2018, a new year. 

Try as I might, today I just find it hard to be happy and hopeful. For some reason, I feel such anger toward my break up.  It has been almost 5 months.  I mean most of December I haven't been thinking of him.  But today, I am more sad and angrier than I have been for awhile.  Why am I backsliding on the day that's supposed to be the most hopeful? 

I honestly feel like the reason for my anger at him isn't that we broke up.  We needed to.  I knew that for awhile, that's why I tried to initiate it the beginning of 2017. We wanted different things.  I wanted marriage, kids, a house, a career... He wanted to meet up and play Pokemon Go.  He wanted someone he could be attached to the hip to (like his current gf).  I did not. I still wanted my own space. I DID love him. But I knew there was no future in it.  And, to be honest, he wasn't husband material. And he did not like children or babies.  Avoided them like they were a disease.  

I think I am angry because I feel so used.  Even when I pointed out we had no future together, he must have realized it too.  But instead of letting it go and allowed us to be friends and living seperate lives... he kept reminding me that we loved each other.  That our love could withstand things for awhile longer.  He messaged me all the time that he loved me. All the while, behind my back he called me his Ex and looking for his next girl.  I think that's why my heart is taking longer than expected to heal.  Not because it ended. But because I feel so used and betrayed.  I don't know.  Maybe it's just random thoughts.

I should have listened to my gut when it told me to end it.  But like I said, I did love him.  Maybe I was afraid to let that love go when he kept telling me he loved me.  Even if I was unhappy.  I was stuck in a relationship equivalant to high school love, hanging out and never going anywhere or having a future. It was a terrible rut.  I felt like I was betraying him if I pushed to end it more. Oh well, in the future I know if my gut says run, to run.  No matter what my heart says.  

At least now that I'm free of him, I can find someone I can hope for an actual future with.  And my body is alot healthier without him. I lost 20-25 lbs since the break up.  I am more active and more overall happier. I just have this anger in me I'm not used to. I'm usually the happy person.  Oh well.. I'll manage.  I just needed to rant I think.  Or think things over.