New to this grief wishing I was not a part of the silent birth mother's club.

My sweet little angel Malcolm Isaiah was a silent birth on 07/20/2017 born midway through the 38th week. He was beautiful and perfect when he was born, but was never to take even one breath. I am destroyed feeling hallow. Having to stay somewhat brave for my other two sons, if it wasn't for them I think brain and heart would just decide to check out of life completely. I have never known such pain in my life, even when my mother died when I was 20 years old although it was horrible, but it comes second to this. But, I am hoping my mom is taking care of her grandson for me until I get there. I have chosen one of his stuffed toys that I had bought him, and imagine Malcolm's spirit is in it and go to sleep with, pet it and talk to it like it was really Malcolm, is that crazy? But, in some weird way it comforts me knowing I might not have a physical connection with him instead we may still be linked spiritually. My angel was so beautiful I wish I could have looked in the eyes. I held him, pet him and kissed him until he got cold and that is when I began to feel morbid for still having part of me wanting to take him home like he was not dead. I want my baby boy here with me, raise him and see what kind of man he was going to turn out to be. Does it get any easier? My love for him is never going to go away and I think I will be in grief for the rest of my life with the images and memories of this pregnancy, birth and not being able to take my precious baby home and in arms forever like it was suppose to be.

My baby was robbed of life just like all silent babies why does this have to be. After I lost him I read the statistics that state 7 in every 1000 babies are born still born in this country everyday. There needs to be more research and more preventions because if they can be avoided, if certain issues in pregnancies were properly addressed prior to birth we might be able to save lives. Since my silent birth I have done what I was trained to do in UC Davis and that is to do research. Who is down to help me with researching early warning signs, preventive care that can be done after warning signs are found, and issues warranting further research in order to resolve them. That is how I think I will heal from this a little bit, but not completely, by finding facts that we can possibly have state and federal legislators willing to listen to possibly change laws and regulations to make birthing babies safer, or urge tech companies to find better solutions. Like my grandmother told me nothing is going to give me my son back, but what if I can save other people from having to go through this pain? Who is with me?