new life/old strife

many months have passed since tom died and thankfully was finally freed from suffering. i managed well afterwards by putting it all into another persons life..not mine. i never knew or loved this person, never went thru this horror with his cancer and the drs abuse/neglect. so i didnt grieve much. it was another horrendous life event causing a new PTSD all its own.   i immediately sought out a physical relationship with someone and it helped me alot. touching, cuddling, sex with a kind person was my antidote to death. i felt death was with me night and day, but touch was all that gave me some relief from it.  then after several months he told me he was in love with me and had been afraid to tell me. i began falling in love with him (which i didnt want to do), and having moments of happiness for the first time in many years. thats when the trouble started. it made me highly vulnerable. my defenses started crumbling. i started remembering tom, filled with grief as i thought of our love, what he suffered, how wonderful our relationship had become over the years..i also became filled with deep, yearning and longing... and terrible fear of loss..if my new love was away from me for a couple days  i suffered anguish every moment we were apart. i feared somehow i would newver see him again each time he went home. if he said or did something "wrong" (let me down, said something unkind or insensitive, failed to keep his word etc) i came undone inside. started feeling the same as i did as a teenager when i determined i was mentally ill and basically put myself in a psych hospital. i am a wreck most of the time now unless i am with him. then i feel good, happy even!..but when i'm not with him i feel like he is a stranger, i dont believe in tomorrow. no future. and i dont trust him, want to end the relationship because i cant stand the pain i am feeling, i start thinking maybe he wants to control or hurt me when his behavior ever seems incongruous with what he says  .. (i know this is not true intellectually, he is a VERY good, kind man). i am suicidal alot, even when i feel good, paradoxical as that may seem..i am sure the good feeling  will not last... the desperate hope for a better life is killing me.  before when i never had any hope i was managing ok. experts say you need hope to survive. well hope almost killed me when i was a child. every time i hoped and what i hoped for didnt materialize, i was less able to cope and carry on. i decided never to hope for anything and be eternally grateful for each good thing that happened but never hope. that has kept me alive. i have gone thru this torment when i fell in love..(twice in my life) and after a couple years or so with the person i get more secure and sane, the terror of loss gets alot better. but i'm in it in the worst way ever now.. due to toms ghastly illness i think. i really dont know how i'm going to get thru this. need a therapist desperately but cant afford one. no options but calling the crisis line which does help.