New Information
Today was, uhmmm Thursday, right??? Just an ordinary day, the new ordinary. I woke early, made my bed, used the bathroom, brushed my teeth, let the furbabies out to potty...took my medication...cried a few times, nothing fierce, no breakdowns.
This afternoon I was on facebook...a habit I can't break...Brinel, the grandmother of Hayley, Cassi's on-again, off-again girlfriend, and I were chatting about nothing special. I don't even remember the first part of the conversation now, or how it came up...Cassi was thoughtful, never wanted to put anyone out, be a burden. Brinel made the comment that Hayley had said Cassi shot herself outside so no one would have to clean up after her. WHAT?!?!?!
"Brinel, how did Hayley know that???" No one knew why Cassi had gone outside. I became emotional and begged her to tell me everything..."Did Cassi tell Hayley that???" She perhaps felt she had said too much, upset me and began backing off..."Oh no, Hayley just assumed it, because Cassi is so thoughtful....blah, blah, blah." Before Brinel could get to her I texted Hayley and asked if Cassi had told her that..."Yes". She was making threats, but that was nothing new. But in January, the threats became more detailed...Hayley said her arms were a bloody mess...she spoke about buying a gun. Explained how she would go outside to minimize the mess...
When she was complaining about the man harassing her...was that part of her plan??? I always tried to solve her problems...I am sure she would have known I would have offered her a gun for protection. Especially since she seemed to be doing much better...was it all an act???
Why didn't her friends come to me, why didn't they tell me??? Is it because they were used to her talking about such things and didn't take her seriously...or more likely, were they afraid of making her mad by narcing her out...she always said I overreacted. I am sure she had told them the same. BUT GUESS WHAT!!!! HOW COULD I NOT OVERREACT??? SHE LET ME RELAX, LET MY GUARD DOWN...then, on February 2, we got the call.
Did it occur to her, ever, what using my gun to end her life would do to me...what taking her life in any way would do to me...it sounds like it was well planned out and only a matter of time. I KNOW she was in pain...hopeless...did she think of me???
I never thought I could be mad with my daughter...at the worst she just wanted to end her pain, at the best, maybe, it was a terrible accident...guess this new bit of information threw that option out...I think I am a little mad...Just a tingle, but yeah...definitely a little mad.
This afternoon I was on facebook...a habit I can't break...Brinel, the grandmother of Hayley, Cassi's on-again, off-again girlfriend, and I were chatting about nothing special. I don't even remember the first part of the conversation now, or how it came up...Cassi was thoughtful, never wanted to put anyone out, be a burden. Brinel made the comment that Hayley had said Cassi shot herself outside so no one would have to clean up after her. WHAT?!?!?!
"Brinel, how did Hayley know that???" No one knew why Cassi had gone outside. I became emotional and begged her to tell me everything..."Did Cassi tell Hayley that???" She perhaps felt she had said too much, upset me and began backing off..."Oh no, Hayley just assumed it, because Cassi is so thoughtful....blah, blah, blah." Before Brinel could get to her I texted Hayley and asked if Cassi had told her that..."Yes". She was making threats, but that was nothing new. But in January, the threats became more detailed...Hayley said her arms were a bloody mess...she spoke about buying a gun. Explained how she would go outside to minimize the mess...
When she was complaining about the man harassing her...was that part of her plan??? I always tried to solve her problems...I am sure she would have known I would have offered her a gun for protection. Especially since she seemed to be doing much better...was it all an act???
Why didn't her friends come to me, why didn't they tell me??? Is it because they were used to her talking about such things and didn't take her seriously...or more likely, were they afraid of making her mad by narcing her out...she always said I overreacted. I am sure she had told them the same. BUT GUESS WHAT!!!! HOW COULD I NOT OVERREACT??? SHE LET ME RELAX, LET MY GUARD DOWN...then, on February 2, we got the call.
Did it occur to her, ever, what using my gun to end her life would do to me...what taking her life in any way would do to me...it sounds like it was well planned out and only a matter of time. I KNOW she was in pain...hopeless...did she think of me???
I never thought I could be mad with my daughter...at the worst she just wanted to end her pain, at the best, maybe, it was a terrible accident...guess this new bit of information threw that option out...I think I am a little mad...Just a tingle, but yeah...definitely a little mad.
Replies
It is okay to be angry with Cassi. Anger is a normal part of grieving. As I said, people who are that depressed really don\'t see how devastating their suicide will be for their loved ones. But that doesn\'t mean that you can\'t be mad.
I know I was angry that Lisa chose to have the surgery that ultimately took her life. She knew it was a new technique. She did not tell me that she was only the 12th patient they had. They were not skilled enough to recognize and treat the complications. Again, why? why? why?
I really believe that Cassi would have done what she did, one way or another.
Feelings are neither right or wrong. Please don\'t ever hesitate to come to FMO to vent!
Love and caring hugs,
Marlene
I never got mad at Morgan for taking her life,,,, I was more angry at myself and god.and still not happy with god,,, but.. cassie did what she did for herself,, not to hurt you ,,, just to get away... her pain is now gone,,, love ya!
In that moment all Cassi could think about is ending her torment, pain and turmoil. I have worked with many suicide survivors who said the moment they made the decision and acted upon it they knew they had made a horrible mistake because it was only then that they could truly see the heartbreaking consequences of their choices on those they loved.
This is not from books, not from theory but from being in the hospital rooms of the survivors and them telling me their narrative. They did not understand why they were being given a \"second chance\" they told me, but each one planned on getting all the help that they could because each saw and felt something that was beyond words for them to explain, yet knew they had to make changes and be of service to others in the throws of such despair.
Cassi did not do this to you just as my son overdosing did not do this to me. In that moment it\'s all they knew whether they meant to pull the trigger or take too many pills. The relief they sought on this earth side they could not find and it was not because of anything we tried or didn\'t try to do to help them.
Anger is a part of loss and often gets a bad rap. It\'s ok to be angry, Gina, and feel it all so that you can heal. Only in the poking around in all of the feelings can they be sorted out and surrendered in time. I\'ve been angry too!!!
Loving care,
XO Joanie
I have my days that I am mad at Patrick as well. He too, went outside to end his life. I was angry that he left his kids. then I think of how unselfish he was when he was alive. He worked with troubled kids and mentally challenged adults. He was the whole family called for advice and help.
So many events took place in the hours before that could have changed the track of this, but this is what it is and I would go crazy second guessing it.
I just try to see him in his new self and he shows himself to me every day. At least he has since I stopped looking back. I wish I could reach out and hug all the broken pieces back together for you. Suicide leaves so many more questions unanswered for those of us left behind. I will pray that you get the answers you need from Cassi. Much love and lots of understanding, Lauri
I could have written this.
I\'d tell you stop torturing yourself, but you can\'t. I can\'t, either.
Cassi had her version of \"you\", the one she needed for whatever reason, at least the one she shared with her friends. April had a version of \"me\": \"you\'re obsessed with me...\" she would say. Yeah, YOU THINK? It wasn\'t until after her death that her one good friend online finally understood that April complained about how \"controlling\" I was because I was trying to keep her alive anyway I could.
It\'s bad when people offer information, they should keep their mouths shut. There are things you don\'t need to know and you don\'t need to hear. Why doesn\'t someone just come up, stick an ice pick into your (or my) stomach, and twist real hard? Because that\'s what they\'re doing AND IT\'S TOXIC. Get AWAY from them.
Think of how irrational this statement is: I am going to take this weapon that my mother bought me to protect myself and go out to the car and shoot myself so as not to make a mess. Do you see the insanity in this? Of course you do. My other statement aimed at myself: I am going to take my mother\'s credit card, be as calm as possible to fool her, tell her I need to go out and buy a new electric blanket, instead buy a shotgun which I saw in the store I went into with her on her birthday, climb into the backseat and shoot myself. Oh, and I\'ll leave my mother a wonderful loving letter so everything will be just fine.
Normal? Mentally healthy? Hell no.
I know: I wake up two to three times a night and the same things go through my mind. These will be the last thoughts the moment my heart stops. Therapy kept me alive; God kept me alive; but I\'m not living and I don\'t know how to even start. This is what we do, Gina, women whose children did what our daughters did in that particular way: we suffer, torture ourselves, ask ourselves questions without answers, and let others beat us up. In a million years I would never attempt to elaborate on the horrific manner in which our daughters finally brought their agony to an end were it someone else. It\'s cruel. It\'s insensitive. There\'s something about it that\'s evil. Think about it. Anyone that toxic needs to be out of your life.
Jill, you are living...and I am leaning...on you. Please be strong.
When my brother was found after he took his life, I stood outside his bedroom room door where this nightmare happened. He was already taken away. I was unbelievably devastated and by all means I am not comparing this to our precious children. My brother was one of my best friends.
My reason for telling you this is the policeman told me that when he found my brother he felt such a sense of peace and that suicide is a DISEASE. He stated that there is no stopping someone unless you tie them down or completely sedate them. That is not reality. That helped me somewhat to realize that he had a disease and there was nothing I could do to stop him as he could not handle life. I still feel mad at him,sad,and don\'t really understand. We will someday understand the answers down the road.
I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to explain how sorry I am.
Love, Joan
Gina my son took his life by a self inflected gun shot also. You are not alone. A day doesn\'t go by that I don\'t think about what happened and it rips at my heart. It\'s been three years now and I\'m doing OK. I\'m on medication that helps me a lot, but things will never be the same.
Tight hugs,
Terry