New Horizons..?
Well, during the worst of the chest pains and mild cardiac events, I reached out to a friend of mine in the medical community. The only advice that they could offer me was to reach out to a former flame of mine who is an ER doctor. The Doctor is incredibly busy and has little, if any, time for anything but his patients. I sent the Doctor a list of my symptoms, asking if he would recommend I go to the ER, expecting no reply. I thought of my cousin, who is a nurse, and asked her the same as well. To my surprise, the Doctor replied in a few minutes with four texts and two missed phone calls, panicking over my symptoms. In the end, he was upset because he couldn't do more to help me. I was shocked at his concern and genuine care for me. When I told my aunt, she just smiled. She always believed he still had feelings for me and believed that we belonged together. I wasn't so sure.
I gave up dating for Lent, along with eating when I'm not hungry. I'm not keen to reach out the Doctor again in the near future. As touching as it is to know he still cares for me, I can't risk having my heart broken again. I just can't do it. At the same time, though, it'd be nice to spend time with The Doctor again as friends. I do miss him and our friendship.
I also spent time with my ex's mother this week. The Science Teacher, not the Doctor. Anyway, the Scientist's mother noticed that his demeanor changed when he started taking Orencia. The Science Teacher blamed me; his mother and I know it's the medicine. It's not been good for him. It breaks my heart still to know that he dumped me because of something medicine did to him - a medicine that's not even healing him or treating him at all. I don't know that I will ever stop mourning that man.
People tell me I deserved better. I want to believe them, but I loved him so much. I wasn't in love; I know that. But I loved him. I loved him so much I would have done anything for him, anything to heal him, make him feel better, make him well... Right now all I can do is pray that, whatever is plaguing his soul, God banishes it to the Abyss forever. If I could, I would slay every demon that is attacking him. But I can't. All I can do is pray.
My godmother is firmly against the Science Teacher now. She is hoping and praying God changes my heart towards the Doctor. She said to me, "Why would you want a sickly science teacher when you can have a healthy doctor?" She's right. But who truly understands the heart?
I listen to the Bible being read from my tablet when I walk. I'm focusing on the lives of the saints, my ancestors in the faith, those who came before me. I want to memorize that chapter of Hebrews where the author lists them all off in the faith hall of fame. I know God can do all things, but I suppose this time in my life is about learning to believe it. The faith of my forefathers was not a faith of practicality, of looking and observing and, with one's own senses, knowing. It was the faith of children, simply accepting the command of God and going forward, trusting He would provide. I don't know how God will end my story, but I must go forward with the same faith as that of my forefathers. By faith Abraham left the city of Ur and went forth to the land God would show him. By faith I will go where God will show me... Someday...
It's harder than it sounds.
In the meantime, I'm praying. Always praying.
I gave up dating for Lent, along with eating when I'm not hungry. I'm not keen to reach out the Doctor again in the near future. As touching as it is to know he still cares for me, I can't risk having my heart broken again. I just can't do it. At the same time, though, it'd be nice to spend time with The Doctor again as friends. I do miss him and our friendship.
I also spent time with my ex's mother this week. The Science Teacher, not the Doctor. Anyway, the Scientist's mother noticed that his demeanor changed when he started taking Orencia. The Science Teacher blamed me; his mother and I know it's the medicine. It's not been good for him. It breaks my heart still to know that he dumped me because of something medicine did to him - a medicine that's not even healing him or treating him at all. I don't know that I will ever stop mourning that man.
People tell me I deserved better. I want to believe them, but I loved him so much. I wasn't in love; I know that. But I loved him. I loved him so much I would have done anything for him, anything to heal him, make him feel better, make him well... Right now all I can do is pray that, whatever is plaguing his soul, God banishes it to the Abyss forever. If I could, I would slay every demon that is attacking him. But I can't. All I can do is pray.
My godmother is firmly against the Science Teacher now. She is hoping and praying God changes my heart towards the Doctor. She said to me, "Why would you want a sickly science teacher when you can have a healthy doctor?" She's right. But who truly understands the heart?
I listen to the Bible being read from my tablet when I walk. I'm focusing on the lives of the saints, my ancestors in the faith, those who came before me. I want to memorize that chapter of Hebrews where the author lists them all off in the faith hall of fame. I know God can do all things, but I suppose this time in my life is about learning to believe it. The faith of my forefathers was not a faith of practicality, of looking and observing and, with one's own senses, knowing. It was the faith of children, simply accepting the command of God and going forward, trusting He would provide. I don't know how God will end my story, but I must go forward with the same faith as that of my forefathers. By faith Abraham left the city of Ur and went forth to the land God would show him. By faith I will go where God will show me... Someday...
It's harder than it sounds.
In the meantime, I'm praying. Always praying.
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