new death, new life

an ironic occurance during toms last year was that i met a woman over the ph wanting to buy one of mmy dogs. i felt deep instant rapport. she didnt buy a dog, and we became immediate friends with a strong deep sort of sense of familiarity and recognition of each other, we felt deeply connected. she was recovering from rectal cancer. tom was not diagnosed yet and no dr thought he had cancer for a minute even. time went by, she was in remission, but then tom was diagnosed. she supported me over the ph with kind understanding as we faced much of what she had gone thru..then tom got the "terminal" news. and shortly after that she was told her cancer returned. she went on for a year beyond when expected to die, long after tom died. she called me a month ago and left a message. said she loved me. but she had said that before. she sounded ok. i didnt call her back as toms death anniversary was approaching and i felt i couldnt deal with ph calls. two weeks after she called, a respected psychic told me there was a womans spirit with me. i didnt have any particular belief that psychics know anything, so i said no, a man maybe, that would be my deceased husband. he said no its a woman and not from long ago past. so i called my friend when i got home...but really didnt believe she had died. thought she sounded too good. but it turned out she had indeed died..so i have been mourning her and feeling guilt and sorrow that i didnt return her call. then today i open up the paper and there is a series of large pics of the hospice worker nurse who was with me when tom died and one other time when tom had a gruesome emergency in the wee hrs of the morning. i burst into tears. it was instantly like i was in the room with tom as he was taking his last breaths..and the nurse with us..it was so real, so vivid. and i realized i still had been feeling some unreality about it all so it hit hard.on a strange but happy note, my love relationship is still very limited but in spite of us having so little in common, we do love each other and there is less feeling of anxiety, fear, mistrust and impending loss than i had before. he loves me completely and deeply, i know i love him less than he loves me..but i do love him. i am the one not satisfied and he is very satisfied. my desire for intellectual, philosophical, shared interests, and overall more compatability is great, instead we share great passion and tenderness, superb physical rapport, respect and thoughtfulness, but not the rest. this is so odd! we love each other in braile!  but have little to talk about or do together (democrat/republican, conservative/liberal, new age/traditional catholic, military hawk/slightly dove, sports fan/sports hater, psychologically emotionally literate/emotionally illiterate, toilet paper up/toilet paper down, he loves musicals and comedies/i hate them, ..on and on.  we are doomed! but cant keep our hands off each other and the cuddling is just irresistable. sigh.  (but his supportiveness got me thru toms anniversary and my friends death). what a wierd situation.