new beginnings- shedding some emotional baggage
You know what just occurred to me? I used to be strong. Emotionally strong. I used to enjoy life. It was hard, yes- but I had fucking fun. I was thinking back to when it all changed, when I gave up- and I figured it out. It was about a year before law school after I had just gotten done messing with this dude named Gino. Gino did a number on me but to be honest I don't blame him at all- not even a little bit. That kid was 21 years old- he didn't know what the hell he was doing. I threw myself at him- that was all me. But I think what happened is that shit got so crazy in my life and it was clear that I needed to pump the breaks a little- the problem is that I pumped a little too hard. I guess I saw it like when I went into law school my youth was over- then I started going out in my 3rd year of law school but then I moved back here- and BAM screeching halt to my personal life. No more fun. I have to find a happy medium- I have to learn how to have fun without being crazy- I will find it.
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Next morning...
When did I stop feeling like a woman?
I've been thinking a lot about when it is I stopped feeling like I was an attractive woman and like life was fun. There are several factors
1. G
I became friends with this guy named G in law school. Me and him were best of friends while we were at law school but when it came to events at the school he would ignore me. Then he'd tell me how much he loved me whenever I tried to leave his life. I'd look at it like- okay- u ignore me at events- obviously we aren't friends. But he didn't think so- he swore he never did anything wrong. When him ignoring me bothered me he would tell me I was overreacting- just like everyone else in my fam. The first year he spent the whole time talking about how unbelievably gorgeous every girl is around me and he would never compliment me- like ever. Now if he wasn't complimenting others 24/7 then it wouldn't have mattered that he didn't compliment me. But he did compliment others- all the time. And he would use words like "perfect" which to me says they were an ideal- and I looked NOTHING like them. So that sucked- and it was about 3 years of him making me feel like I wasn't as good as all these chicks and I let him do it.
2. Weight gain
These aren't in order- I gained the weight about a year before I went to law school. Anyway- the situation w gino knocked me into the weight gain. I remember being at a bar with him after he'd decided he wasn't interested in me anymore. I was trying to be half friendly with him by kind of breaking his balls- and he just made fun of me the whole time. He made me feel so fucking stupid and I let him. That was another scenario when I got with a man who was 100% emotionally unavailable and then tried to turn him into what I wanted and when he didn't completely change his whole way of life to make me happy I blamed me. What sticks out in my head was that was about 70 pounds ago- and I don't often say this about myself but- I looked fucking hot that night. And I felt like shit. It was then that I realized it wasn't about my looks.
A couple days later I started smoking weed again and I didn't stop until I gained about 50 pounds. So I guess in my mind my outside matched my insides after that. Bc I felt so ugly on the inside that looking good felt fake.
3.My best friend C
When I gained the weight it was the same time she lost all of hers. She was diagnosed w chrohns and dropped mad weight. She looked really good. Now I'm not one to hate on people looking good- even when they look better than me. But this chick man- every fucking day- EVERYDAY she would bring up how gorgeous she looked. She knew how bad I felt about gaining weight. She had known me my whole life- anyone who knew me for 10 minutes knew I had an issue w my weight. She knew. But everyday she would be like "ohmygod its so nice to have lost all this weight. I just feel great. Everyone is always telling me how gorgeous I am," etc. And it goes on just like that. Now C has been a bragger my whole life. And since I'm just as insecure as she is- for a long period of time it really had a horrible effect on my life. Now I just see it for what it is and I let her have it- meaning her bragging. But back in the day things weren't like that. At the time she was saying all that stuff I was in my first year at law school hearing everyday how every chick around me looked perfect from my best friend at the time- G. Then I look to my other friend for comfort- AND SHES DOING THE SAME THING! How fucking insensitive can u get? But u know- I found forgiveness for her. During the process of trying to finally healing some of these old wounds I realized how hard it is to be compassionate to others when u r filled with pain and anger from the life you've lived, the people who have hurt you, let you down, etc. For me- I'm a tough brod- so when my defenses are up I'm just hardcore- looking to fight everyone- but what I understand now that is that people can have the same exact pain inside and act very differently about it. When she feels insecure she acts like a complete bragging snob- like everyone's beneath her- reminds me of my ma- she does the same thing. And btw- my ma has fucked me up big time with the weight thing.
U know what just hit me. C is just like my ma and G is just like my dad. Shit man, the abuse from those motherfuckers follows me everywhere! I'm sure that has a lot to do with why it affected me so much- what they had to say. That and I'm pretty sure I seek out people to validate my shitty self opinion. I think its both.
What Else? Ah yes. My friend C was married at one time and I'm on the phone w her and she tells me how she was so happy bc she "finally" met some more married people, how it was sooo good to be around people who actually understood what she was going through. Now she knows how bad I want kids and a family. She fucking knows it. She sits there and says "well u probably feel that way when u meet single people too". Um no. Not at all. In fact law school was choc full o single people but I just wanted to be w my friends and family and chill. I wasn't into the club life and she knew that. She just thoughtless and careleSsly bragged with no regard for me. What I heard when she was talking was "see- I found people just like me- people who are worthy enough to have a family that loves them- thank god I don't have to hang out with only you, you could NEVER fully understand how it feels to have a family- bc ur just not good enough for people to love you.". That really is what I heard. Now- I know that's not exactly what she meant- but it could have been. That's the point that she never got- if you say something that could logically be construed to mean something negative and it just so happens that u intended something positive when you said it- doesn't mean someone's crazy when they take it to mean the negative connotation. But everyone in my life doesn't see it that way- in fact they see it the opposite way- like they get to say whatever the fuck they want and totally ignore the negative connotation and instead berate someone (me) who takes it negatively and tell them its their problem- that sentence describes my mother, my father, my brother (but he's getting better), and my best friend C.
You know what the hardest part of being codependent is? Not knowing the line between forgiveness and acceptance and being a doormat. I forgiVe G and C- but it doesn't erase what they did to me. It was hurtful and wrong and I deserved better. If it were to happen today that's what I'd say out loud to them. Sorry isn't a magic wand that erases the past- but what sorry says is- even if I didn't care enough to not fuck up- I care enough to at least be sorry for what I've done. If I knew then how much it took from me to continue to be so kind and go out of my way to be there for these people when they just walk all over me- I wouldn't have let them do it. I never realized how much it took. It took my self respect. I let them take my self respect. Everytime I stayed quiet while someone hurt me I betrayed myself. Everytime I actually let them convince me that it was totally okay to be mean to me bc they could look at whatever they said and did and point out how someone else other than me could take it- I gave a part of myself away until what I am today remains. A doormat.
Its time for some forgiveness. Not for them- fuck them. I've forgiven them already. For me. I didn't know any better. How could I have? The only time my father ever praised me was when I smiled and shut my mouth while I let him insult me. My mom would guilt trip the shit out of me whenever I commented about anything she did that upset me- she would attack me by saying I was attacking her- when that wasn't what I was doing at all- I was sticking up for myself.
The truth is that in my life everyone in my fam adored me until I got an opinion. While I was a teenager I was nuts- I was a live wire. Everyone hated that and I noticed that in my 20s when I started calming down everyone seemed to love me again. But I had a reason for yelling when I was a teenager. Horrible things were happening to me and around me. I did need to calm down- but I took it too far- I stopped being me. I am not that bitch who lies down and let's people walk all over me. I am special and I am strong and I think I actually am starting to love myself.
I'm gonna let this go now. All the things I wrote about in this journal. I've carried it around for years. And you know what else I'm gonna do- I'm gonna comprise a list of everything I've ever done wrong that I hated myself for and anything that I've let others do to me that I hated myself for and I'm gonna burn it. You can't truly move forward until you're ready to leave the past behind. I'm ready.
I'm actually going to take my one advice. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
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Next morning...
When did I stop feeling like a woman?
I've been thinking a lot about when it is I stopped feeling like I was an attractive woman and like life was fun. There are several factors
1. G
I became friends with this guy named G in law school. Me and him were best of friends while we were at law school but when it came to events at the school he would ignore me. Then he'd tell me how much he loved me whenever I tried to leave his life. I'd look at it like- okay- u ignore me at events- obviously we aren't friends. But he didn't think so- he swore he never did anything wrong. When him ignoring me bothered me he would tell me I was overreacting- just like everyone else in my fam. The first year he spent the whole time talking about how unbelievably gorgeous every girl is around me and he would never compliment me- like ever. Now if he wasn't complimenting others 24/7 then it wouldn't have mattered that he didn't compliment me. But he did compliment others- all the time. And he would use words like "perfect" which to me says they were an ideal- and I looked NOTHING like them. So that sucked- and it was about 3 years of him making me feel like I wasn't as good as all these chicks and I let him do it.
2. Weight gain
These aren't in order- I gained the weight about a year before I went to law school. Anyway- the situation w gino knocked me into the weight gain. I remember being at a bar with him after he'd decided he wasn't interested in me anymore. I was trying to be half friendly with him by kind of breaking his balls- and he just made fun of me the whole time. He made me feel so fucking stupid and I let him. That was another scenario when I got with a man who was 100% emotionally unavailable and then tried to turn him into what I wanted and when he didn't completely change his whole way of life to make me happy I blamed me. What sticks out in my head was that was about 70 pounds ago- and I don't often say this about myself but- I looked fucking hot that night. And I felt like shit. It was then that I realized it wasn't about my looks.
A couple days later I started smoking weed again and I didn't stop until I gained about 50 pounds. So I guess in my mind my outside matched my insides after that. Bc I felt so ugly on the inside that looking good felt fake.
3.My best friend C
When I gained the weight it was the same time she lost all of hers. She was diagnosed w chrohns and dropped mad weight. She looked really good. Now I'm not one to hate on people looking good- even when they look better than me. But this chick man- every fucking day- EVERYDAY she would bring up how gorgeous she looked. She knew how bad I felt about gaining weight. She had known me my whole life- anyone who knew me for 10 minutes knew I had an issue w my weight. She knew. But everyday she would be like "ohmygod its so nice to have lost all this weight. I just feel great. Everyone is always telling me how gorgeous I am," etc. And it goes on just like that. Now C has been a bragger my whole life. And since I'm just as insecure as she is- for a long period of time it really had a horrible effect on my life. Now I just see it for what it is and I let her have it- meaning her bragging. But back in the day things weren't like that. At the time she was saying all that stuff I was in my first year at law school hearing everyday how every chick around me looked perfect from my best friend at the time- G. Then I look to my other friend for comfort- AND SHES DOING THE SAME THING! How fucking insensitive can u get? But u know- I found forgiveness for her. During the process of trying to finally healing some of these old wounds I realized how hard it is to be compassionate to others when u r filled with pain and anger from the life you've lived, the people who have hurt you, let you down, etc. For me- I'm a tough brod- so when my defenses are up I'm just hardcore- looking to fight everyone- but what I understand now that is that people can have the same exact pain inside and act very differently about it. When she feels insecure she acts like a complete bragging snob- like everyone's beneath her- reminds me of my ma- she does the same thing. And btw- my ma has fucked me up big time with the weight thing.
U know what just hit me. C is just like my ma and G is just like my dad. Shit man, the abuse from those motherfuckers follows me everywhere! I'm sure that has a lot to do with why it affected me so much- what they had to say. That and I'm pretty sure I seek out people to validate my shitty self opinion. I think its both.
What Else? Ah yes. My friend C was married at one time and I'm on the phone w her and she tells me how she was so happy bc she "finally" met some more married people, how it was sooo good to be around people who actually understood what she was going through. Now she knows how bad I want kids and a family. She fucking knows it. She sits there and says "well u probably feel that way when u meet single people too". Um no. Not at all. In fact law school was choc full o single people but I just wanted to be w my friends and family and chill. I wasn't into the club life and she knew that. She just thoughtless and careleSsly bragged with no regard for me. What I heard when she was talking was "see- I found people just like me- people who are worthy enough to have a family that loves them- thank god I don't have to hang out with only you, you could NEVER fully understand how it feels to have a family- bc ur just not good enough for people to love you.". That really is what I heard. Now- I know that's not exactly what she meant- but it could have been. That's the point that she never got- if you say something that could logically be construed to mean something negative and it just so happens that u intended something positive when you said it- doesn't mean someone's crazy when they take it to mean the negative connotation. But everyone in my life doesn't see it that way- in fact they see it the opposite way- like they get to say whatever the fuck they want and totally ignore the negative connotation and instead berate someone (me) who takes it negatively and tell them its their problem- that sentence describes my mother, my father, my brother (but he's getting better), and my best friend C.
You know what the hardest part of being codependent is? Not knowing the line between forgiveness and acceptance and being a doormat. I forgiVe G and C- but it doesn't erase what they did to me. It was hurtful and wrong and I deserved better. If it were to happen today that's what I'd say out loud to them. Sorry isn't a magic wand that erases the past- but what sorry says is- even if I didn't care enough to not fuck up- I care enough to at least be sorry for what I've done. If I knew then how much it took from me to continue to be so kind and go out of my way to be there for these people when they just walk all over me- I wouldn't have let them do it. I never realized how much it took. It took my self respect. I let them take my self respect. Everytime I stayed quiet while someone hurt me I betrayed myself. Everytime I actually let them convince me that it was totally okay to be mean to me bc they could look at whatever they said and did and point out how someone else other than me could take it- I gave a part of myself away until what I am today remains. A doormat.
Its time for some forgiveness. Not for them- fuck them. I've forgiven them already. For me. I didn't know any better. How could I have? The only time my father ever praised me was when I smiled and shut my mouth while I let him insult me. My mom would guilt trip the shit out of me whenever I commented about anything she did that upset me- she would attack me by saying I was attacking her- when that wasn't what I was doing at all- I was sticking up for myself.
The truth is that in my life everyone in my fam adored me until I got an opinion. While I was a teenager I was nuts- I was a live wire. Everyone hated that and I noticed that in my 20s when I started calming down everyone seemed to love me again. But I had a reason for yelling when I was a teenager. Horrible things were happening to me and around me. I did need to calm down- but I took it too far- I stopped being me. I am not that bitch who lies down and let's people walk all over me. I am special and I am strong and I think I actually am starting to love myself.
I'm gonna let this go now. All the things I wrote about in this journal. I've carried it around for years. And you know what else I'm gonna do- I'm gonna comprise a list of everything I've ever done wrong that I hated myself for and anything that I've let others do to me that I hated myself for and I'm gonna burn it. You can't truly move forward until you're ready to leave the past behind. I'm ready.
I'm actually going to take my one advice. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
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