Neverending Emotional Rollercoaster
Having depression is soooo exhausting.
The emotional toll wears on me. The highs. The lows. It's heavy. I know it's time to journal when I start feeling full. Sometimes I want to know if we suffer from similar symptoms but then I get too embarrassed to ask.
Some days I really feel as if I've lost it and I'm going crazy. As far as physical symptoms go, my head literally feels cloudy at times. The best example I can give is the feeling you get when you have water in your ears after swimming. I zone out a lot and have to remind myself to refocus. Wish I had more people to bounce thoughts off of but that's not my reality.
I'm so on edge some days. The smallest things can make me crack and turn a mellow day into a high-strung day. Days like that all I can do is sit on my sofa like a zombie and contemplate how did it get so bad.
I spend a lot of 'what if' time. What if I never had that anxiety attack, missed work, and inevitably quit three months ago? What if I had stayed? Would I have had a meltdown on a different day? Are my current symptoms exacerbated by my unemployment or would I still feel the same regardless? I tend to believe the latter.
I walk on eggshells with my own self. Weird. I'm always toeing the line and trying to keep an even mood. That's hard work when outside sources will inevitably play a part.
One day at a time.
All I can say.
Replies
alright just for the purposes of the argument maybe you don't have a job because you're depressed.
I think you're going through something. did you go off meds cold turkey at all?
I've been through the disappearing mind act. I would stab my fingernails into my hand to try desperately to attend to what I was being told. it just didn't stick. it didn't absorb. My daughter communicated with me through messenger because if I read something I could retain it. If I heard it, I just couldn't.
It passes. It does. I promise. One day at a time. Something grows or changes inside you.
Do you want to talk about what set it all off? How far back in time do your what ifs have to go, before you get back to solid ground in your life?
:) xx
Bridgie, you always know what to say. I haven't been prescribed any medication...yet. I'll be starting therapy soon and we'll address all of that.
My what ifs can go back far but I tend to rewind to the last three months because that's where I turned the corner, per se. That's where everything went downhill.