Never say "What's next?"

Believe it or not things have come to another rock bottom.  I'll start in a chronological order.... June 24th my apt was broken into.  My laptop that i just rec'd for Christmas was taken and all my jewelry from Johnny was taken as well.  They even took the whole jewelry box and the charger to the laptop.  It's a total loss.  My parents later found out by me and were pretty pissed.  Next, July 24th i had $820 cash in my wallet for my rent because my check had bounced.  I was really trying to get ahold of my landlord so i could get it to him.  I hate having cash on me for this reason, it was stolen from me as well.  I added 2 and 2 together and this mexican girl named Angelica was always there when all the bullshit happened.  We were lil whores together.  I went through another phase of girls gone wild.  I had fun but at the same time feel degraded.  Needless to say i'm no longer hanging around her.  On August 10th roughly i found out i was pregnant.  Found out who the dad was and go figure we dont get along, he's a peice of shit, a felon,no job, no home, blah blah.  We had our words and i told him i was going to have an abortion.  He called me a baby killer and i was selfish.  I've come to terms with all the shit he's told me and spoke with my supervisor at work about the situation.  I never would have told her but she recognized my dr.s note and said she'd been there before too.  Now she has twins and a boy and girl.  No one could've made me feel better.  I guess because she had been through it.  I didn't find myself responsible enough to bring a child into this depressing world right now.  Even when i can barely support myself.  Also i dont want to torture the baby for my fuckups and being irresponsible with the peice of shit dad.  Maybe one day i'll have kids, maybe i wont.  Just not right now, and not with a fuckin asshole.  I keep having dreams about Johnny and his ex or current whatever she is.   It's like been a lil mini series every nite.  Last nite i dreamt her and i finally got along talkin shit about him lol.  It was kinda cool.  Another time i was screamin at him at the top of my lungs how much i fuckin hated him.  Marco's supposed to be coming, but i dont like the way he treats me.  When i treat him like shit he comes around.  When i'm up his ass he pushes me away.  Maybe i should get pissed off at him again so he can be up my ass again.  Its true guys like the challenge, they dont want someone who's too simple.  Keep them on their toes just how i like a guy to be with me.  Guess one day i'll master the reverse psychology..... Now, Dee Dee and Eric are fighting over him being subpoenad to court for her.  I told her i'd go and miss out on getting paid.  So what can i do.   All i want is my family to get along and all thats happening is it deteriorating.  I give up on my family i cant keep them together no matter how hard i try.  Why waste the energy.  It doesnt help.  I'm learning my strength on how to get rid of negative people in my life.  I'm continuing to shop around with men until i find one who is worthy of my bigheartedness.  Until then i remain single.   Possibly until the day i die.  Also anyone who is bad news to me or does me wrong better say goodbye quickly cuz i'm getting older and dont have the time for the bullshit.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I have just recently joined this site. While checking out what this site has to offer, I came across one of your entries.What you had to say was very moving for me. Suffering from codependency has often left me feeling very isolated from everyone else. I have often felt as though no one else understands my pain. I could really relate to what you had to say. So I am sending you a friendly invitation to chat some time.
codependent
codependent

An update on this... Marco never came... it was all a lie like usual. i even took 2 days of pto for him i waas pissed thats why i\'m not talking to him now