Never Normal

It has been a while since I have visited DS. I think I have been trying to fit into the mold and expectations that everyone has for me and that is that I am getting better, getting on with life, have excepted the loss of Hunter, and am engaging back in life. But if I were an actress I would be up for an Academy Award. I am not ok...Everyday I get up with the same sense of loss merely going through life in a sense of fog. Month after month my husband and I are unsuccessful with getting pregnant and having the opportunity to have our rainbow while it seems that every other woman in the world is getting pregnant without an effort. I know the stages of grief, however right now I can pretty much say I am in "Anger" and going back and forth in the stage of "Sorrow." I will not hear from people that "Maybe I need to accept the fact that I may not get pregnant again" or that "It will be the way God wants it to be and it will all be according to his plan"...What God am I supposed to believe in? My God wants good for his children and not utter dispair....WTF....Am I supposed to accept that the best part of me is gone and buried and that my only child will be the one that is buried next to my mom? I am pissed. Joy..I don't even know that that is. Seems that life has been garnished with nothing but disappointment and sadness. How much is one to endure before the hand swings back up in my favor? I wish someone could answer that for me. Everyone says I will get to a "NEW NORMAL"...What is that?
What is normal anymore? I certainly don't have a sense of it. How long will this hurt? I feel as though my heart doesn't beat the same anymore. Every day I look for the "Good" in the statement "You will have good and bad days"...Maybe today is just one of my bad days, however yesterday was a bad day too, so when do I get to the "Good" day. It has been a little over a year since we lost Hunter and it hurts just the same. People say I have to try to help myself, however I have done everything that they expect of me..Counseling, church, looking for Gods answer, however the hurt still endures. I still remember every moment of the day we lost Hunter. I can only compare it to someone who is enduring post traumatic stress disorder. The memories are always there and I miss the moment that I held Hunter tight and kissed his face, feet, toes, and fingers. I miss that everyday. I just want my son laying in his crib safe the way it was "Supposed to be" for me and not according to anyone elses grand plan.