Nerves
Yesterday I kept saying to myself I can't wait to get into service, I had nerves
about socializing and just about everything. And service
seemed so inviting and safe to be wrapped up in the sacred ceremony
and knowing what to do.
I thought about my nervousness and 'what do I use to cope with them?'.
My solution to be 'in service' was striking a bell for me. I thought about different situations and what I use for that kind of knowing. I think so much
to take care about what or how people here at the monastery, have to be considered and what
sets each off and how they deal with things. But I also thought about how in my alone time I used to get very in sync with the design of my cell. I thought about what I'll later talk about this coping mechanism.
I thought about the pressure I put on myself or have had put on me to be stellar and interesting or perfect
and what’s more I thought 'what is the nature of my relationship to'... beauty, to work
and to socialization etc.. The key words are 'what is my relationship to' (the nature of how
extreme my focus on how my relationships should be. I had a wonderful conversation with
my barber here in Maryland. He really just likes to talk and ask questions - and I am so used
to LA life where I always felt like nobody gives a shit what you have to say - if it's not funny
or dandy then just average joe stuff isn't really appreciated - I think this nice chat influenced me big time in my thought journey this day...
It made me realize when I was with the group chopping away at the vegetables and fruits in 'meal
prep' - that we all have that kind of underlying pressure or standards that we have a relationship with. It just made me think to myself not to judge myself or others but to understand the person and the relationship the nature of the relationship and say ‘ it’s ok 'come as you are' we all have a relationship to 'perfecting' and 'beauty etc...'
Mixing those thoughts with the service we had this morning - I felt pressure from the christian ideal
as I read prayers aloud and gospel readings.. - 'god's standard', I felt like, I was failing, like I was hollow and derelict.
Christianity found that all people responded to grace - and they created sin
- things - that you needed to be graceful - and yet then the religion also served that
you would never achieve it -
there is love though - and that has helped me also understand and provide for the grace
we each have in each other - and the relationship we each have and compassion for that ideal.
- in a way Christianity teaches you how to be graceful but also compassionate
This may sound funny - but the system of people here at the monastery is very tight
and it made me chuckle that at times on the surface it feels like a girl scout club - you follow the rules to be in good graces with what it takes to get the job done and
to be a good girl scout. That's pretty disrespectful but I mean it was just something amusing that came to mind.
I thought about my own relationship with 'relationships'
and the way I handle relationships, can speak to how I was taught growing up,
vis a vis my neurosis and worries - and ways not be in the world. - and so that realization
made me think it goes for others too - and for how they handle relatinoships.
Just more insight from me that is helping. peace!
Replies
Absolutely. I’ll do this in three layers—organized summary, key themes, and then a reflective interpretation—so it feels clarified rather than flattened.
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1. Organized Summary
Your reflection tracks a day shaped by nervousness, service, and insight into relationships—both personal and communal.
• You begin with feeling anxious about socializing and uncertainty, and feeling relief in service because it offers structure, ritual, and clear expectations. Service feels safe because it tells you what to do and how to be.
• You notice that “being in service” functions as a coping mechanism—a way to regulate nerves through purpose and clarity.
• You reflect on how much mental energy you spend considering others at the monastery: their sensitivities, triggers, and ways of coping.
• In contrast, you recall how in solitude you could attune yourself deeply to your physical space (your cell), suggesting a different, quieter form of grounding.
• You examine the pressure—internal and external—to be interesting, stellar, or perfect, and this leads you to question the nature of your relationship to beauty, work, and socializing. Relationships which are aspects of coping and managing.
• A meaningful conversation with your barber stands out. His genuine curiosity contrasts with your experience in LA, where you felt ordinary conversation wasn’t valued unless it was impressive or entertaining. This interaction opens something up for you.
• While doing meal prep with the group, you realize that everyone carries internal standards and pressures. This helps you soften judgment—toward yourself and others—and embrace a “come as you are” stance.
• During Christian service and readings, you feel pressure from an idealized moral standard—“God’s standard”—which triggers feelings of failure, hollowness, and inadequacy.
• You reflect on Christianity’s paradox: it teaches grace and love, yet also establishes an unattainable ideal. From this, you extract compassion—for yourself and others—recognizing shared struggle in relation to ideals.
• You humorously observe the monastery’s structured system, likening it (affectionately but critically) to a Girl Scout–like rule-based culture.
• Finally, you connect your own way of handling relationships to your upbringing, neuroses, and learned fears—and realize this framework applies universally to others as well.
• You end with a sense of insight, integration, and peace.
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2. Core Themes (What’s Really Going On)
1. Structure as Safety
Service, ritual, and rules help regulate anxiety. When you know your role, your nervous system can relax.
2. Relationship-to-Ideals
Rather than asking “Am I good enough?”, you begin asking:
What is my relationship to goodness, beauty, work, perfection, spirituality, and people?
That shift is huge.
3. Shared Human Pressure
You recognize that everyone carries internal standards—often invisible—and that behavior is shaped by those pressures, not moral failure.
4. Grace vs. Perfection
Christianity becomes a lens for understanding this tension: unreachable ideals paired with compassion and love. You feel the pain of the ideal—but also glimpse the grace beneath it.
5. Curiosity as Healing
The barber conversation models a different world: one where being ordinary, sincere, and curious is enough.
6. Compassion Through Understanding
Judgment dissolves when you see people as acting from their learned relationships to fear, control, love, and worth.
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3. Reflection & Interpretation
This piece reads like someone moving from self-surveillance to self-understanding.
At the start, you’re managing anxiety by doing things “right.” By the end, you’re loosening the grip of rightness itself.
A key insight you land on—without quite naming it—is this:
Much of our suffering doesn’t come from who we are, but from the relationship we’ve learned to have with expectations.
Service works because it temporarily replaces inner chaos with external order. But your deeper growth is happening when you realize that order doesn’t equal worth, and that everyone—monks, volunteers, Christians, barbers, LA creatives—is negotiating their own invisible contract with perfection.
Your discomfort during religious readings isn’t a failure of faith; it’s a collision between conditional worth and unconditional love. And you intuitively resolve it by choosing compassion over self-punishment.
The humor (Girl Scout club) is important, too—it signals distance, perspective, and freedom. You’re no longer swallowed by the system; you can see it clearly and gently.
Overall, this reflection marks a shift:
• from performing goodness → to relating to goodness
• from judging behavior → to understanding origins
• from needing safety through perfection → to finding safety through shared humanity
And that’s not small work. It’s quietly profound.
If you want, I can also:
• help you condense this into a tighter journal entry,
• map it into a spiritual insight vs. psychological insight,
• or help you write a follow-up reflection from a calmer, post-nerve place.
Just say the word.