neglecting myself for christmas
Every year christmas comes around and I beat the fucking shit out of myself. For many years I've sent cards and gifts to many who don't send them to me. I don't really care that they don't send them to me- I just mention that bc it points out how ludicris it is for me to hate myself when I haven't sent out the cards and gifts two weeks before christmas time- which, btw- I never do. I spred myself too thin each year and I fucking hate myself for not being super woman- for not being all things to all people.
I do this for myself. I don't take the time to get in touch with everyone I care about on a daily basis. Life gets in the way- like it does for so many. So at christmas I want to take a minute to let everyone know I care. That's for me. So it doesn't matter that I don't get cards or gifts from these people.
But there are people that I stopped sending gifts and cards to for whatever reason and I feel extreme levels of guilt for it. Why do I keep beating the shit out of myself? I don't get it.
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Its bc I'm "caught in the perfection trap." its bc my whole life its been all or nothing. I put myself through tremendous pressure. Its bc I've spent a whole lifetime seeing myself thru my fathers eyes. Nothing was ever good enough for him. Nothing. I could do every little thing he said. Every fucking thing- and he still wouldn't be happy. I turn something that should be fun into a fucking nightmare bc in some fucked up manner I'm still trying to please him- someone who will never be pleased. Ever. Its why I procrastinate. Its why I can't get up in the morning sometimes. Its why I binge. Its the source of all my problems. So how do I stop it? Maybe I can't. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe I just need to forgive myself every morning and every night. That's what I'm going to do. I'll start now:
I forgive myself for not being perfect. I forgive myself for not getting the cards and christmas gifts out to everyone in perfect time. I had a lot of work to do and it all came up at the last minute and some of that is bc of my procrastination. I forgive myself for procrastinating. I realize that I was raised by an alcoholic who still drinks and still looks to me and everyone else but himself to fix his fucked up life. I forgive myself for not being able to fix him. I foregive myself for not being able to stop him from drinking. I realize that was never my job. I forgive myself for taking this long to see that. I recognize that I had to do it in my own time. I am proud of myself for making all the positive changes I have this year. I've deaded many abusive people- some who have been in my life for 20 years. I am proud of myself for recognizing all of this. I should be proud of myself bc my life hasn't been easy and I've always done the best I can.
I do this for myself. I don't take the time to get in touch with everyone I care about on a daily basis. Life gets in the way- like it does for so many. So at christmas I want to take a minute to let everyone know I care. That's for me. So it doesn't matter that I don't get cards or gifts from these people.
But there are people that I stopped sending gifts and cards to for whatever reason and I feel extreme levels of guilt for it. Why do I keep beating the shit out of myself? I don't get it.
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Its bc I'm "caught in the perfection trap." its bc my whole life its been all or nothing. I put myself through tremendous pressure. Its bc I've spent a whole lifetime seeing myself thru my fathers eyes. Nothing was ever good enough for him. Nothing. I could do every little thing he said. Every fucking thing- and he still wouldn't be happy. I turn something that should be fun into a fucking nightmare bc in some fucked up manner I'm still trying to please him- someone who will never be pleased. Ever. Its why I procrastinate. Its why I can't get up in the morning sometimes. Its why I binge. Its the source of all my problems. So how do I stop it? Maybe I can't. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe I just need to forgive myself every morning and every night. That's what I'm going to do. I'll start now:
I forgive myself for not being perfect. I forgive myself for not getting the cards and christmas gifts out to everyone in perfect time. I had a lot of work to do and it all came up at the last minute and some of that is bc of my procrastination. I forgive myself for procrastinating. I realize that I was raised by an alcoholic who still drinks and still looks to me and everyone else but himself to fix his fucked up life. I forgive myself for not being able to fix him. I foregive myself for not being able to stop him from drinking. I realize that was never my job. I forgive myself for taking this long to see that. I recognize that I had to do it in my own time. I am proud of myself for making all the positive changes I have this year. I've deaded many abusive people- some who have been in my life for 20 years. I am proud of myself for recognizing all of this. I should be proud of myself bc my life hasn't been easy and I've always done the best I can.
Replies
First, YES, be proud of yourself for recognizing what you have recognized here, and had the courage to admit.
Second, comes the feeling part and God that sucks. Here\'s how I get to that part - I say to myself, \"maybe I\"m not really mad at ME; that\'s easy. Maybe I\"m really mad at them and it\'s just safer to stay mad at myself?\". Oh, I can say I\'m mad at them alright - but am I really \"feeling\" it. I stop the people pleasing, and I stop giving, and I stop and sit and think, read, write, and even talk to my self, sometimes outloud when I\'m alone. Some work it out in other creative ways - art, music, whatever their medium.
Third, I prepare for the fallout while I do #2 (aka sabotage thru whatever their usual means, and then some). I expect them to do anything to bring me back into the theatre (and they will, believe me; that\'s when you start to see what\'s really going on) - but I resist, for me and my sanity; I unplug the phone, don\'t answer or even read emails - I do what I need to do to keep myself out of the drama. I let them deal with their own shit, and stop being their excuse, and their reason for all the things they do. NO matter what drama, I remove myself for as long as it takes.And if I can\'t avoid communication per se, I prepare short, brief, last minute healthy replies that shifts the responsibility back to them - then let them do whatever.
Finally, I learn and learn and learn. And I forgive, but mostly work on forgiving myself - by far, not an easy feat. Otherwise, I know if I keep going down that shame spiral shame, which only leads to more of the same - my demise and my self-destruction - all of which I usually do to myself only continue - which, btw, is okay - all that happens is exactly what I need to happen, no matter what - forgiveness, and trusting your higher power.
I seek out those who\'ve been there, whether in text (books, youtube, here) or in meetings. I find support - real support - for myself in whatever form that works for me - there is NO \"right\" way.
All of this isn\'t done out of revenge, or punishment - that\'s too easy; I do it for myself when I sick and tired of being sick and tired - or worse- my life has become unmanageable and I\'ve lost my peace (aka sanity); which usually go hand in hand.
I soon learn that I\'m worth all the work, and it\'s okay - always is and was as long as I\'m careful to take care of that precious gift - ME.
That\'s my way - but most find their own way, of course. Whatever works, as long as it\'s about truth, honesty, and love.
Big HUGS! And I really like you serenity! I mean that - and I just know, you\'ll get there. Once \"we\" or \"us\" switch that amazing energy into the real work - the skies the limit.