Negativity
Sometimes when I look in the mirror and see how fat I’ve become I just want to kill myself. Don’t get me wrong- I wouldn’t do it- but that’s how I feel. No matter how great I feel about myself as a person in my life every time I see my fat face and body I just want to cry. I can’t help feeling like who the fuck could want me looking like this? When I started to ponder why it is I was so fucked up about the situation with my ex I realized I’m just really fucking lonely. I miss having someone in my life. I miss feeling beautiful. I avoid mirrors. Maybe I should stop doing that. Maybe I should look at them as often as I can and say some positive shit like “you are beautiful” or “I know I am beautiful” even though EVERY part of me doesn’t believe it. Maybe I will. Something’s gotta give. I have to take active steps to change how bad about myself I feel and I know that losing weight isn’t the answer. I still want to lose weight- but I just know it’s not the answer. I used to avoid mirrors 60 pounds ago. I don’t like what I see inside- no matter what the size of my face is- I still have to look myself in the eyes. I have to change that. I have to believe I can find a way.
Replies
You will get better I can\'t see you but I think you are beautiful by what you write. I lost 30 pounds because I was so heart broken and even though I look better and I get a lot of compliments, my spirit is broken and even though it\'s fucked up. I wish I could get him back because I miss him so much. But, he is a looser and a user. It\'s horrible how some people can make us feel so bad abut ourselves. Let\'s not let them we have to love ourselves who cares about everyone else right?
That\'s exactly right. Thank you so much for reminding me of that. I\'m so sorry you\'re hurting. I know how that feels. Almost Everyone I\'ve ever loved was an abuser and when they left I was broken too. I\'ll tell you something that helped me to understand it- even if he was a complete piece of shit- you\'re love for him was real and its okay to feel sad when you feel that loss- you\'re only human. I know for me- whenever I would break up w these fucking idiots I let into my life I would feel like I \"shouldn\'t\" be upset bc they obviously weren\'t the right thing for me. But that line of thinking kept me farther and farther from the truth- when u allow yourself to love someone and then it breaks up- for whatever reason, its a heartbreaking thing. You are human to feel that pain. For me- the amount of time it took me to get to that level of forgiveness was way too long. I kept beating he shit out of myself for letting myself get into relationships w people that so obviously weren\'t for me- that took energy and that energy could have been spent on way better things- like finally understanding why it is I kept choosing these destructive men. When I finally stopped beating the hell out of myself (and it wasn\'t easy bc I\'ve been doing it my whole life) I was able to see that i sought out the abuse bc its the only thing I ever knew of love. Once I saw that I was able to make the changes necessary and to heal from that relationship.
What I wrote about steve- taking 15 years to learn how you really feel that\'s the product of not allowing myself to feel my emotions. Not allowing myself to be vulnerable and sad. Not understanding that not only is it okay to make mistakes- its essential to learn and grow.
You will get there. If your heart hurts, allow it to. It needs to feel that pain. You were in love- of course you\'re going to be heart broken when its over- you\'d be a psycho to not be. Just give yourself license to feel whatever it is you feel- u might be surprised at how much better you will feel.
You made the first huge step by being here. You\'re gonna be okay and so am I.
Thank God, sometimes I just feel so down I loose faith and my anxiety sky rockets. I just want to feel normal again even if i\'m lonely I don\'t want to feel the anxiety and depression. I am so tired of feeling this way when will it end?
It will end, I promise. But you can\'t control when. Someone told me the best way out is always through. For me through was the hardest thing in the world. I thought the pain would kill me. But now I see that my fear of what I thought the pain would do to me was so much worse than what it actually did when I finally went right through it. It is essential to be completely honest with yourself- completely. Repeatedly ask yourself- what am I really feeling. Pay attention to your body, to what is happening. And understand that no matter how bad the pain gets- it won\'t kill you.
That\'s true as painful as things are, this situation will not kill me I just want to be strong again!!! so I can move forward. I pray, I just got on meds this week, I am going to therapy, I am reading self help books, trying to concentrate on my kids, reaching out o family. and yet, nothing seems to help I can\'t tell if I am getting better this is so frustrating and all for what? for some heartless bastard that doesn\'t even know what I am going through. I am trying to stay positive. I am just having a bad day I guess. :(
its okay to have bad days! Its okay to not be okay. Understand that being strong and being pain free are not the same thing! I can relate to what you\'re saying- u want he hurt to be over and you want it asap- you\'re not lazy, you\'re putting in the work- u just want it gone. I felt that way EXACTLY. I am itailian, I have WAY too much pride and my pride wouldn\'t let me accept that some prick did me wrong and got to walk away like it was all good and there I was stuck with the pain. I wanted it gone! I viewed it like it was a character flaw. I was WRIONG- the answer to the pain was the pain.
What really helped me the most was to be my own best friend. What would you say to a best friend that felt the way you do right now? You\'d probably tell her to let it out, that she\'s only human and she\'s bound to get her heart broken sometimes.
I hear u trying to stay positive- keep trying! Its easy to focus on the fact that we aren\'t over something yet and sometimes it makes us lose sight of the in between time- the time it takes to get from where we are to where we want to be. That time holds value! don\'t wish it away! Its there for a reason.
I don\'t know your exact situation- but I know that its all about you and how you feel. Take every bit of focus off what he did and whether he was worthy of your pain and suffering- the truth is- he isnt- but you are! You\'re suffering bc god (or the universe- however you see it) is trying to tell you something about yourself. Once you learn what that is then you will heal. I don\'t know when- but I know it will happen- as long as you are honest and compassionate with yourself.
Keep remembering that you\'re doing great! You\'re strong enough to face your pain instead of avoiding it entirely- be proud of yourself! There is good in your life despite the pain- just keep trying to open your eyes. You\'ll get there. I\'ll say a prayer for you.
Thank you, I do need prayer. BTW I explain my situation in my journal entry. My life has improved my kids are happier because I focus more on them, I spend more time with them, I went back to church, I stopped drinking, I am doing \"the right thing\" but I still feel like shit. I know I don\'t want him back but I miss him. I\'m glad he\'s with someone else because that keeps me away from him for good. I just want to get better. :(
Sounds like you\'re doing great things to get yourself to where you need to be. Good for you! All that you just mentioned is evidence of your strength. I know what you mean about being glad he\'s with someone else bc that way you won\'t try to get him back- I\'ve felt that way many times.
Keep remembering that all we can do is the best we can do- after that we need to let go and let god. You\'re doing great! Keep putting in work. You\'re doing everything you can in order to heal. Keep taking it one day at a time- you\'ll get there.
Remember- being strong isn\'t the same as being pain free. You are strong. You will get through this.