Negative self talk, picking up the pieces
I absolutely despise myself right now. The negative self talk sounds something like this:
You’re a complete piece of fucking shit. You haven’t prepped for court which is 4 hours away, and you haven’t called your client to talk to him b/c you’re a horrible fucking lawyer. That’s why you were smoking weed today instead of taking calls and taking care of the matters that need to be taken care of- b/c you’re a horrible waste of fucking life. You don’t deserve to be happy. You don’t deserve to be with Mark- sooner or later he’s going to realize what an incredible piece of shit you are and leave you. That’s why you don’t have your own place yet- b/c you don’t deserve it. You’re so fucking worthless that you can’t even get yourself to go to work everyday. You’re so fucking worthless that you can’t stop smoking weed even though you’re a fucking lawyer. You’re a fucking piece of shit and you don’t deserve to live. You let people down b/c you’re completely incompetent. You’re going to fuck up tonight in court b/c you are a shitty lawyer. You don’t deserve people depending on you. You’re horrible. You should just shoot yourself and get it over with. Do the world a fucking favor.
Wow. That’s what’s been inside me. No wonder I keep smoking and bingeing. I feel so much better now that that’s out of me. The objective fact is that I haven’t been to work all week and I’m really disappointed in myself. I haven’t kept up with deadlines and I’m disappointed in myself with that also. But I’m not a piece of shit. I’ve been depressed. Time to pick up the pieces. B/c the only one who can do that is me. Right now is a new day and a new time. I’m not perfect- but no one is. I’m doing the best I can with the hand I got dealt and the past, no matter how much I wish this wasn’t true- is gone. No amount of self loathing will ever bring me back to 7 am this morning or back to Monday after court. Nothing. All I have is now. God please help me to forgive myself for my lack of productivity. Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Time to pick up the pieces.
You’re a complete piece of fucking shit. You haven’t prepped for court which is 4 hours away, and you haven’t called your client to talk to him b/c you’re a horrible fucking lawyer. That’s why you were smoking weed today instead of taking calls and taking care of the matters that need to be taken care of- b/c you’re a horrible waste of fucking life. You don’t deserve to be happy. You don’t deserve to be with Mark- sooner or later he’s going to realize what an incredible piece of shit you are and leave you. That’s why you don’t have your own place yet- b/c you don’t deserve it. You’re so fucking worthless that you can’t even get yourself to go to work everyday. You’re so fucking worthless that you can’t stop smoking weed even though you’re a fucking lawyer. You’re a fucking piece of shit and you don’t deserve to live. You let people down b/c you’re completely incompetent. You’re going to fuck up tonight in court b/c you are a shitty lawyer. You don’t deserve people depending on you. You’re horrible. You should just shoot yourself and get it over with. Do the world a fucking favor.
Wow. That’s what’s been inside me. No wonder I keep smoking and bingeing. I feel so much better now that that’s out of me. The objective fact is that I haven’t been to work all week and I’m really disappointed in myself. I haven’t kept up with deadlines and I’m disappointed in myself with that also. But I’m not a piece of shit. I’ve been depressed. Time to pick up the pieces. B/c the only one who can do that is me. Right now is a new day and a new time. I’m not perfect- but no one is. I’m doing the best I can with the hand I got dealt and the past, no matter how much I wish this wasn’t true- is gone. No amount of self loathing will ever bring me back to 7 am this morning or back to Monday after court. Nothing. All I have is now. God please help me to forgive myself for my lack of productivity. Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Time to pick up the pieces.
Replies