Negativity

Sometimes when I look in the mirror and see how fat I’ve become I just want to kill myself. Don’t get me wrong- I wouldn’t do it- but that’s how I feel. No matter how great I feel about myself as a person in my life every time I see my fat face and body I just want to cry. I can’t help feeling like who the fuck could want me looking like this? When I started to ponder why it is I was so fucked up about the situation with my ex I realized I’m just really fucking lonely. I miss having someone in my life. I miss feeling beautiful. I avoid mirrors. Maybe I should stop doing that. Maybe I should look at them as often as I can and say some positive shit like “you are beautiful” or “I know I am beautiful” even though EVERY part of me doesn’t believe it. Maybe I will. Something’s gotta give. I have to take active steps to change how bad about myself I feel and I know that losing weight isn’t the answer. I still want to lose weight- but I just know it’s not the answer. I used to avoid mirrors 60 pounds ago. I don’t like what I see inside- no matter what the size of my face is- I still have to look myself in the eyes. I have to change that. I have to believe I can find a way.