negative

Pregnancy test was negative. Thank God. Today I am feeling worse mood-wise than I have in a few weeks. Between the weather, and my med change, as well as the continuing worsening of my acne, my horrible hair, and weight gain...I have moments where I don't want to be alive. I wish I were manic, like this summer, just without the alcohol. I weighed 15 pounds less, my hair was longer, I was breaking out a bit, but nowhere near the nightmare that is now. I remember moments where I felt happy. It may have been a magnified happy, but at least I was getting out of bed. (When I wasn't hung over.) I have gotten over the hump of problem drinking, I take my meds, I work out more regularly, I watch what I eat, I try to drink more water, I sleep more....and everything just keeps getting worse. What more can I do? I am trying so hard, and getting nowhere. I don't really know what I want, or expect to gain from writing this. Just spitting it out on paper I guess. I'm so sad. I'm hiding from the world. And I am afraid of losing everything I am working so hard for.