Negative

May be a trigger...may not.....IDK...I tried to not get detailed.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Deep inside, I still feel like I want to be hurt. I want a guy to push me and hit me and stuff. I want a good looking, muscular guy that is really attracted to me to hurt me. I don't know why. It was worse right after my first attack back 07, but even though I'm better.....the want is still there....I even have un-natural responses when I am scared or nervous. If I feel threatened, scared, nervous, or whatever...I actually get turned on....it's been like this for a long time. I used to dream about getting hurt again, and then play around with my ex. (We live in different states so) if he wasn't there.........well, I don't want to say what I did. If a guy is threatening looking and even slightly attractive (or even just average looking), if he tries to talk to me, it's hard to turn him down...and hard to not let him do what he want.....esp now after I gained weight.
Last semester, I was in a situation where a guy was acting like he didn't want to take no for an answer. I had to call my ex for him to leave me alone. He didn't know my ex stayed out of town, and I went into another room to talk....and he also didn't know my ex didn't answer his phone. I'm about 70 lbs bigger than I was when I was raped and when guys where constantly hitting on me and some even trying to assault and harrass me......so when I do lose weight, I'm kinda anxious to see how guys act towards me...
Will I be raped again......will I be abused....will I be harrassed (I get harrassed now every so often)..................what will happen?
In spite of my curiosity, I NEED to lose this weight. I NEED TO!!!!!!!!!! And anyway, so what if a guy hurts me.......I'm used to it anyway............this is, atleast how I feel right now....