Needs, Wants and Shoulds.
i've been thinking about 3 things.
"Wants, needs and shoulds."
My life is very much governed by these. I think it's safe to
say it has a role in a lot of peoples' lives.
I came home from work yesterday - feeling happy that I'd done
a good job all on my own closing up the department
- and my family, friends online and comrades here at the monastery
are all very important to me and last night and now I feel it very
much. I was quick to check all messages while in the parking lot at work
and respond to them the best and fast as I could.
I also noticed that when I came to my room, eventually, I didn't want to go to sleep
but I also didn't have the motivation or ideation to do much. I kind of found myself
zoning out into the interior decoration and just holding in place...Maybe I was just tired??
a little bit - but
I thought about today what that could mean - and I thought about how
I have discussed wtih my therapist the notion of submitting myself in relationship to the group
here at the monastery as well as having done that most of my life - I kind of live
there now and know how to keep myself there and so I am realizing it's second nature in a way - or maybe even first nature
in a weird way - I mean I do have whims and visions of me with my own trajectory
in life at times - and at those times I feel like I am a catty feckless spoiled person -
and also in truth just to reiterate - that it takes a great deal of focus and effort for me
to be effective and mature - so as I said once before it's like with my struggles I haven't had the luxury to be able
to go with my personality - it wasn't safe - it was not the spirit -
(Today while behind the iconostasis - I thought about going a separate way from the monastics
and then I thought then - but what would my community be? what would it be based on?
just thoughts. )
and yet I think now I am coming close to the two worlds coming together
- looking at the thoughts of wants, needs and shoulds. I know we have them to some degree in different mixtures. For some reason I felt stuck in the shoulds when I got back to the
room - and maybe I was tired of deciding things - I guess I just started to zen out...
is that atypical?? If I had a tv I would have watched - but instead I just sat motionless with Blue on the bed - and just zen...
Replies
methinks i often confuse needs and wants. all too often, what i need is quite far from what i want. getting to know people like you who are as broken as i am was never on my teenaged wish list, but methinks it was totally the medicine i needed. some days i even **want** that medicine. a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.
should is an entirely different psycho snot knot. when i starting shoulding around, there's little doubt i'm pushing myself to do something i don't want to do. quit guilt-tripping me, kid, and change your own freakin' diaper.
thanks arfie! :) (((hug)))