Need vs Want

Years ago, I had someone tell me that they loved me and needed me in his life.  I told him that I loved him and wanted him in my life. The guy wasn't happy with my answer, but it was the truth.  I didn't marry him, but years later I had the same conversation with my DH. 
Throughout most of my life, I've been independent.  There were things I wasn't good at, but I always found a way to figure it out and get it done.  It was hard being my husband because of it. 
DH and I divorced after four years of marriage.  We remained friends, helping each other, and caring for each other, in spite of papers that said we were no longer married.  We were never lovers after the divorce because of our strong, Christian beliefs.  We remarried and the new marriage was different.  I'd become born-again and DH had nearly lost his life after developing a tumor on his carotid artery.  I'd lost my vision and was dealing with my own problems as a result of it.  So, you see, we were different people, marrying again.  And the second time was great.  I'd learned what it meant to need a person.  I'd put aside my independence and let my husband be the man that God wanted a husband to be.  God was the center of our lives.
Did I obey my husband?  Well, I certainly did.  And it's surprising when I tell people that.  That is, until I explain it.  You see, right before DH and I remarried, I asked him would I be expected to obey him.  He said no.  So I obeyed that command.
Now, he's gone and I'm again thinking of the Need vs Want theory that became a part of how I thought in my youth.  Back then, I felt that need implied an inability to thrive without the assisstance of the other person.  While want meant that the person was important in your life, but he was merely desired as a part of your life.  You'll go on quite well with or without him.  Most men don't like that.  They like to think of how much they're needed.  I know DH did.
So when I was married, I turned over things to my husband such as assembling things(I was terrible at that) and various tasks around the house.  After 8 years, I started to really belive that I couldn't do these things.  I'd say, I'm so happy you're here to bring the groceries up because they're too heavy for me, etc.
Now, as of today, I've assembled furniture, set up my computer, complete with wifi access, and hauled 20 bags of groceries up to the 3rd floor in one trip.  These are things I would have turned over to DH, no doubt.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm back to my original belief.  Men are wanted in your life, not needed.  Somehow we women, or men, as the case may be, somehow find the strength to do the things we have to do. 
My father is surprised at my strength.  I think he wanted me to live with him because he didn't think I could make it on my own.  Now, he's confident that I can.  Still, he'd like to see me married.  At 82  he's doesn't want to leave me alone when he passes on.  I say, I know I can live my life alone, or with someone.  That is, if it's something I want in the future.
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

What an inspiring post. It\'s amazing the things we learn to do when we have to. For the last week I was afraid that I would have to get a new garbage disposal but then I went on You Tube and found out that it has a reset button. I watched carefully and then went and did it myself. It worked! I was so excited.

Many of us are finding that we can do something if we set our mind to it. Thanks!

Hugs, Carla
deleted_user
deleted_user

The thing I have come to find over the last year is if one cannot be comfortable alone then they cannot ever be comfortable with someone else. I met my wife at 16 and we were married at 20. I have never really been alone before. I have my entire adult life been part of a couple. Being alone has been the hardest transition I have had to make. I found alone is not a bad thing. Being without the love of your life is something completely different. Be proud of your strength. Those that have not lived through this will not understand how much you have achieved.
deleted_user
deleted_user

it\'s amazing the strength God gives us. I never liked being alone either. I\'ve learned since David died that being alone is ok. Not always preferable on this quiet nights but we have to make the best of what we have.
I\'ve actually started to look forward to my quiet house after work.
Peace, Lisa
deleted_user
deleted_user

Good that you had a base of independence to go back and build on. After praying for my husband for 17+yrs he came to salvation so I understand the newness of the remarriage. Admire your fortitude and strength dealing with the losses and still being independent. The choice is key. Wanting vs Needing. For me it was both. I wanted him in my life and needed him to be the man of the house. Mike was retired early, while I still worked so he would go to the FL to be with friends and I was home alone a few times a year. Soooo you would think that I would be OK alone after he was gone..but no. Because before I knew he was a phone call away and would have the answers I needed to take care of whatever it was. I could lean on him and his gifts/talents he brought to the team. I always hated being alone so long. Find myself thinking he is down there now...I am putting together a notebook to keep all info in on the house and who to call. Blessed to find a handy man to help me get somethings done here as well as show me what the many tools are for in the garage and how to use them. We do what we have to do to keep on going....
DianeMTB
DianeMTB

I am an independent woman. I can live alone. Being alone is not lonely. I enjoy the pleasure of my company and with others. I chose not to live alone. I want a partner in my life. My first marriage of 16 1/2 years ended in divorce. I met Smokey and we had been together for ten years when he died on Nov. 15, 2009. I am in a new relationship with Dave for 7 weeks. It is going good. I chose to be in a relationship. It\'s my choice and God\'s blessing upon my head. Sometimes we choose to be in a relationship but cannot find anyone. God has blessed me with these three men in my life all for His purposes to fulfill. I would not have chosen my first husband but there were a few things that I definitely needed to learn. I hope I did. I learned from my relationship with Smokey. I believe each relationship we learn from it and take something from it all to be better people than we were before that particular relationship. It doesn\'t mean all romantic relationships but all relationships in our lives. We learn constantly our whole lives long. Hopefully, to be better people and to conform into the image of God\'s dear son Jesus Christ. It\'s my thoughts on that particular subject. All the best to you from Diane Baillie