need to 'talk'
I know it's not really 'talking' by typing out here my thoughts
but I keep cutting myself short for movement in any kind of direction (pretty typical)
with the spirit that it's just not wise to spend more - to type out my feelings
and lay it all out there and so on. Sit still don't move - stasis.
But I suppose this modality for expressing my thoughts
is the way it's gotta be for now. I gotta move in some direction- so
why the heck not this?
Work went ok - I was happy working away and I had some very inspiring experiences.
Just very much in the moment and good fun.
Our experiences in life outside of work, can in turn make our work a source of joy and happiness.
I felt, as I worked, like a mesh curtain lifted that allowed me to 'just be me' while I worked.
I wasn't holding onto fear or agression. Not holding onto my feelings or a preconceived notion.
I don't know if you'd call it flow (or me 'Flo' - kiss my grits heh)
Then an a**hole (pardon) coworker came for his shift and he just has to smear
and power down me - and it's a drag. I just let it happen and I can be flexible that way
and just kind kept going along doing what I had to do....where's the soma that keeps us going?
So I guess it's a little redundant but to put it exactly it's like I lost connection to myself
and just kept moving forward.
What thoughts came to me about this is that I realize everybody has a way of 'conducting business'
aka taking care of themselves and what is theirs. This guy at work feels such insecurity that everyone
has to live in his world and so it goes...I guess I am noticing my way of
living my life as well. No judgements and no need necessarily to go all meta on my a**. lol
God I wish I had someone to talk to, to share life with. I really need to get out there and
do that for myself, I'll be sure to talk this Saturday and next Friday,
instead of being vigilant about my feelings and jotting them down
in an online journal.
Anyways, my spirit is returning and I am here with my lovely Blue.
He's lounging spread eagle on the floor because it's hot.
I will probably turn on the AC soon to make it comfortable for the dude
in the full length fur coat.
Have a good day guys!!
Replies
I am learning to compromise.
Compromise in the sense that I usually come from
a place of fear of moving ahead in any kind of direction.
That impulsive headset that talks me out of any move forward,
that I must just exist in stasis mode.
Today I started to question that - remembering how
my doc guided me about things. I came to a place of just
compromising with myself to push forward in writing
about my experiences as the best substitute for having
a conversation which is something I really want.
I'm also now being excited and motivated to socialize this Saturday, at the fair, and also
next Friday, at Adobe Reyes Historical site.
I offered my Boss a day swap too. Over texts she seemed to like that.
Nothing set in stone yet. It's an olive branch for relying on her good graces
a couple of times recently.
I also have noticed that when at work- - I tend to stay in my own lane -
but I keep a foot in the world of consideration of others.
It's something I need to wake up to, the idea that I am doing that at home too.
At least there's a kind of extreme or has been, a kind of imbalance and lack
of awareness that drilling down is a little like searching for society's approval
or just plain socializing
when in fact I need to keep my head set in the balance of the world at large
and my world. Make sense? So, I'll be aware of what I'm actually doing.
Anyways, keep on keeping on and have a great day!
I don't know if this happens to you but when I am alone,
my body can become my boundary and I can lose
myself. ....learning not to get sucked in....if that makes sense.
Hi Marko,
Talking and processing without judgment or scrutiny sounds like something that holds you back? Maybe? It’s great therapy to write things out - I have always been that way. But talking things out moves through the mountains of…..hmmm…self sabotage? Navigating life - sigh - there’s so much to consider. There’s also so much background noise to learn how to tune out and focus on where the good stuff is.
That’s hard to do. I know that very well. But not impossible.
You obviously have lots to discuss and hash out and process in this life. What holds you. back? When I think of work, my mentality on it is to plow through and problem solve and maximize efficiency and processes. But then I need to compartmentalize when I want to think “grander” and dream and wonder a bit. My art teacher always gave me B+ on my paintings and I always compared myself to the mega-talented A+ gals at my table. When I’d vent my frustrations, she’d say “now Nikki, that’s the left side of your brain talking.” Haha. She’s still my dear friend, and as I’ve met all these hundreds of personalities since school days, I’ve learned it’s okay to let me left side of the brain do the talking every once in awhile! And being a B+ painter is still pretty good!
Winning isn’t everything. Feeling a sense of peace is though. For me anyway.
Give Blue a nice fanning and feed him grapes hehe. Maybe channel tonight’s thinking into something new. Macrame?
Sending hugs.
Big squishy hug sweetie..... The old misery loves company can be a real pain in the butt for sure when someone is bringing you down Marky.... I'm glad that Blue has lifted your spirits.... There's nothing like our wee 4-legged family members to lift us up..... xo
when it comes to psycho sorting, i find writing to be far more effective than talking. the written word is far more solid than spoken words and i can more easily see my emotional patterns, dichotomies, gyrations, etc. i can even check back to verify what i did or didn't say. talk is just wind which can be hard to remember and even harder to verify.
i've never thunk on it before, but my initial brain fart is that isolation removes all boundaries for me. without the reality checks from my fellow humans, i tend to feel like i have no physical limits, whatsoever. outer limits, here i come. somewhere over the rainbow. . . not so much for alone time. alone time is far more balanced than isolation.
Thanks so much guys!