Need to cry--it won't come...
I did finally hear from Jane (my sister) this morning. She emailed me if I wanted to do something Saturday for Leslie's birthday. I told her about my (weather-determined) plans with my son and family and told her she was welcome to join us.
She told me pretty much all she wanted to do the past week or so was stay in bed. OK--whatever helps. We're talking again.
I also told her we're invited to Jason's in-laws for Thanksgiving. It would normally be my year (they alternate), but the holiday falls on Michelle's dad's birthday this year, and I'm sure everyone understands I'm not up to it. Christmas Eve we'll go to Jason's. Christmas Day I told Jane that right now I just want to hide for the day.
Super depressed again this morning. Funny--for awhile the nights were worse, now the mornings are really getting me down and it gets a little better as the day goes on. Not sure why.
I want to cry, and for some reason that's not happening. I mean a good, long cry. Maybe I need to go through photos or something later and kick that off. It's in there--I can feel it prickling right behind my eyes--but coming out. Maybe I need to "schedule" a cry.
Right now I have to work. Work is still baby steps right now. Simple stuff--stuff I can do in my sleep. My mind's not clear enough to do analysis or anything. I'll need to get past that sooner or later, but for now I can get away with it.
My boss' dad passed away over the weekend. I was a little concerned that I might feel obligated to go to the funeral or something--his parents live about 2 hrs from me (I work remotely--so I'm in a different state from most people). I was relieved when I saw they were having a private family service. I'm sure people would get that I'm not up to a funeral right now, but I'm glad I don't have to make that decision.
Replies
Please don't worry about the tears not coming...they come when they come. I wouldn't try to force them, or anything. Mornings were always hard for me too. The noise of a busy teenager getting ready for school ceased and my house became eerily quiet.
I'm glad your sister reached out and I hope things continue to improve with that relationship. I'm also glad you are making plans, or not making plans, as you do only what is best for you right now.
Funerals are SO much harder for me now than "before"....
Tight understanding hugs,
Teri
Hello my friend, I'm so glad you're talking with your sister. It's
good to have support.
I didn't do anything I didn't want to do the first year. I just waited the holidays out & were relieved when they were over. Although holidays are different without Ed's physical presence, they are ok now. I can even enjoy aspects of those special days.
No one is going to expect you to attend a funeral right now. And if anyone has an expectation of you that you do not feel you can meet, it's their problem. No one truly understands (and they are fortunate that they don't understand), this journey and therefore, you and only you can decide what you are able to manage. My dear uncle passed 3 months after Ed. I couldn't attend his services. My aunt, his wife, who had also had a child pass, understood.
You're doing well with baby steps at work. You can only do the best you can.
I agree with Teri...the tears will come when it's time. I had periods when. I couldn't cry & periods when all I could do is weep.
May the days ahead be gentle...
Love to you and dearest Leslie, Linda ♡
You are moving along as best as you are able dear Sue and that speaks volumes, truly it does. Your sisters of the heart are here for you letting you know that everything you are describing is what has been felt by each of us so often too. Yes, the tears will fall when they do and often for me when I least expect it. I've stopped ever apologizing too for my tears when they do come as I would never want anyone else to feel that they needed to do that with me. It has been a freedom that I've gained and an awareness.
I'm grateful you are talking to your sister for now and perhaps your shared loss will help grow your relationship and growing pains are never comfortable at first that's for certain.
Gentle and loving care for today from Douglas and me to Leslie and you. Pats for Sawyer too, my heart is lifted knowing you two are together and figuring out your routine and rhythm. Lord, how I adore dogs!
XO Joanie
Thanks everyone. I did end up crying--I had to--the tears were all backed up in me. I felt I was going to burst if something didn't give. Honestly if I could do it I'd take the afternoon off and just be miserable. I kind of feel like I need to do that. Did you ever feel guilty for not crying? Or for crying about something other than your child?